Friends

Hi everyone. Today I am so, so thankful!!!

I got back to Washington early this morning...around 3 am. It was a good drive. I was glad that I didn't have to do it alone. Erika was an all-star-driving a lot of the way so I could sleep and have someone to talk to.

Being home was amazing for me. It seemed to go by too quickly. It was the first time since I came out that I dared to interact with close friends. I guess I was nervous to before...wondering how they would react and treat me. I wondered what they would say about me and how my gayness would effect our relationships. Well, I have an announcement!!! I have worlds best friends and (like I have mentioned time and time before) family!!!!!!

There are a lot of people I have lost contact with since high school, camp, and college but it was so great reconnecting over the holidays and talk openly about ALL aspects of life. I am pleased to announce that although some of the most important people in my life don't understand (which is okay because I don't understand either), they love me and still think I'm great. I actually had a few people tell me they love me more because I am finally sharing my entire self with them...instead of bits and pieces. I am thankful.

So here I am back in Washington with a heart that is so happy. I am happy that I associate with the kind of people I do. They are so, so beautiful to me and they make my life better and motivate me to be better.

So thanks guys! Really. With all the sincerity and thanks that a person can extend...thank you. Thank you for seeing me as a person-the same person you saw before. Thank you for talking and crying and loving with me.

This year

After 14 hours I arrived at my parents home last night.

14 hours in the car is a long time. But, I dare say, I feel like it wasn't long enough. I loved my drive...(even though at the end my legs and bum were so, so sore and continued to be sore throughout the night) Having that much time in a car forced me to get to the core of myself and feel and think.

I thought about my year and things I have learned. It's been a good year. A hard year-perhaps the hardest of my life-but I have learned some important life lessons.

I have learned that you cannot love fully without fully loving yourself. I have learned that honesty is the most freeing of all things. I have learned words are powerful. Actions are even more powerful. And neither can be taken back. I have learned that time is the most precious and valuable of all things. And most importantly, I have learned that happiness cannot be obtained anywhere or from anything except within the walls of your own self.

I look forward to this new year and the things that await me.

snow?

Who said it didn't snow in Seattle??

It does.

It's snowing now and I am loving it!

Celebration of Life

I went to a Celebration of Life today. Paul was certain that he wanted to have a Celebration of Life rather than a funeral for his sweet wife Lyn.

I was inspired.

I hardly knew Lyn. She lived in my basement for a couple months. I only talked to her a handful of times. But I talked and still talk to her husband everyday. I got to know Lyn fairly well today. What a wonderful woman-a woman who I would like to be more like!

Her eyes only saw beauty. She was excited to be alive and thanked God for her life daily. She loved children and her family and her husband. Most of all, she loved God.

She battled with cancer for nearly 8 years and throughout her battle she still saw beauty and kept her amazing outlook on life.

I am blessed to have known her-even for a short time.

Time

Time is weird.

A couple weeks ago I was laughing and visiting with the lady who lives in the basement apartment where I live. She died Friday morning. She died of cancer.

Six months ago I was living and working in Utah. Now I go to visit Utah and when I refer to home I am referring to Washington.

The people I talked to everyday a year ago are people I never talk to now. The people I went to high school with, college with, the people I lived with...most are just memories now. Weird. Perhaps I catch up with some (can I even call it 'catch up) when I read their blogs or send an occasional email with the basic "How are you? What have you been up to?" But most of my very best friends from the past are people I hardly know.

Time allows people to fall in love and fall out of love. Time creates best friendships. Time allows hearts to heal. Time allows headaches to go away. It allows them to develop too. Time, about 9 months of time, creates a functional human. It creates a life.

I saw a picture of myself the other day...it was a picture that was taken a couple years ago. I didn't know that person anymore. So much life has happened to me. Time (or perhaps just life...or maybe a combination of both) has changed me.

Not only does it change how I look but it changes how I feel and think. It changes how I live (or if I live), it changes everything.

I like time sometimes. Other times I don't.

Thanksgiving

Okay, okay. I know that I just barely posted the 5k results post but I felt that needed its own separate post. Or perhaps Thanksgiving needs its own post.

Thanksgiving started while I was running a few miles and I made it a goal to try and think of all the things I am thankful for while I was running. I did. And I was still listing things off when I finished.

Check out this table!! My mom is amazing!

At dinner (which was AMAZING! Best Thanksgiving spread I've ever had!) my uncle Doug mentioned how it was printed in the newspaper that Thanksgiving is the least commercialized holiday. That started a short discussion about the pure nature of being Thankful. Being Thankful is the most important thing I can be in my life. It is better than being rich, having nice things, having a lot of friends, going on a lot of trips...you get what I'm saying. Being Thankful is the best! No matter what you have or what you don't have you feel thankful.

Since it was Thanksgiving two days ago I feel it's appropriate to list a few of the things I am thankful for:

My family. And I am not just talking about my immediate family. I am talking about the new family I have created in Washington. The family I left in Logan. All the people who I love dearly and who I know love me in return.

My body. I am so thankful I have a body that allows me to do what I love to do.

Beauty. I am thankful for the beauty in this world. Beautiful places, beautiful music, beautiful people. There is so much beauty all around us every second if we have the eyes to see it.

Reading and writing. Particularly writing. It clears my mind and give me new ideas. Reading the stories of others offers new perspectives and extends hope.

Work. I am thankful for work. At the Thanksgiving dinner table it is a Nelson tradition to go around the table and say things you're thankful for. My grandma mentioned how she is thankful for some of the things she had to go without and then mentioned how she is thankful for the opportunity to work. Then she told us some of the things she has experienced...my grandma never ate a turkey for Thanksgiving. They didn't have the money to buy one. Instead her dad would kill a few chickens and they'd eat those. The first time she ate a turkey is when her older brother John, who was a doctor, sent her family $5 in the mail to go buy a turkey. She grew up without a furnace...at night she would get in her bed under her covers and she described how she could see breath because it was so cold. Then she talked about work and how hard work. I felt real thankful right then and I have felt thankful since for the opportunity I have to work.

Experiences. Everyday we are blessed to have different experiences. We can meet new friends, make a difference for ourselves or other people. Or we can be idle and choose not to have those experiences. I am also thankful for the ability to choose.

I am thankful for the sun. The sun is symbolic for the things I want my life to represent. It is consistent. I can count on it. Everything it touches is better. It makes people smile and happy. It provides life and warmth. I could go on and on about the sun. I just am real, real thankful for it. I love it!

That is a basic list. I won't go into other things because I can't describe certain things. Like not too long ago I was on a flight and as the plane took off I burst into tears because I felt so thankful to live in a day when our technologies are so advanced. My family and friends made fun of me for that one.

I am thankful for a thankful heart. I am more thankful for that than anything. My parents taught me to look on the bright side of things-to be thankful for the big things and the little things and even the hard things. I strive to do that everyday.

Let's be thankful everybody! Let's be thankful every single day!

5k results

Before the race!!

Curtis and I showing off our stellar running outfits

After the race. The entire Nelson clan!! Way to go family!! Sure love you!!!

My family ran 3.1 miles Thanksgiving morning. We woke up around 6am-maybe 6:30 and headed to the starting line. We met up with about 3,000 other people who wanted to start their Thanksgiving off with a little run. All of the proceeds of the race went to help the homeless. What a great idea! And what a fun (new) Nelson tradition!

I can't really explain what it means to do these kinds of activities with my dad. Saying it means a lot doesn't quite describe the emotions. I remember the days I didn't think he was going to be around much longer, when there was talk of wheel chair ramps at the house, when he walked into my basketball games and sat in the first available seat because he didn't have enough energy to walk any further. Not only did he run a 5k on Thanksgiving morn, he beat half the family! Way to go dad! And thank you for being the best example to me of keeping a good attitude and never giving up! You are certainly an inspiration!

5k on Thanksgiving? Really?!

I am home for Thanksgiving! It's great to be home.

For some reason my family had a great idea of running a 5k Thanksgiving morning...so I guess that is what I'll be doing in the morning. Interesting. I haven't gone running for quite sometime. I hate running. But I will run tomorrow with a smile on my face as I reflect on all the things I am thankful for-and I am thankful for a lot so it will get me through the 30 or so minutes of running (I am optimistic that I will be able to run 10 minute miles!!).

When I walked into my parents house last night I noticed a few changes. including a plaque like thing with a quote by President Monson. I love it so I will share it!

The past is over; learn from it.
The future is near; prepare for it.
The present is now; LIVE IN IT!!

Globes

So I had a weird thought today...

I have always had a slight obsession with globes. I think it started when I was in 5th or 6th grade. I would look at the globe, close my eyes, spin it and wonder where my finger would land. Most of the time it landed in the water but whenever it landed on land, I would day dream about what people were doing in that particular part of the world.

Maybe that is where my dream of traveling began. It became real to me that people populated the world; that when I looked at a globe each differing colored area represented a place where people lived. It made me visualize the millions and billions of people who live in the world and it made me realize I want to go visit with as many as possible.

I'm in Washington. I'm not too far from home-just a couple centimeters away when looking at a globe.

My weird thought happened after my basketball game. First of all, my team got murdered. We got beat by at least 25 points (but I will have you know that I scored 17 points!!). After the game I stayed for a bit to wind down and watch the game after. And it made me think, people are probably playing this silly game all over the globe because I know they are in Utah-I used to play in Utah-when I lived in West Jordan and Logan. The thoughts kept coming and coming...I wasn't literally looking at a globe but I was imaging it in my mind. I was remembering experiences I had when I was in Europe playing basketball. I played with random people in a church building. And one time I played at a park in New York. And then I remembered my buddy Charley who lived in Peru-we played basketball together and he thought I was magic because I could spin a ball on my finger. Then I started thinking about this guy that I passed while I was driving to California years ago. He was standing pumping gas as I drove by. I remember him because as I passed him I thought, "I will probably never see that man again. I wonder if he is a good man. I wonder if we would be friends. I wonder about his family." The man had a white beard and had kind eyes. I remembered that he smiled at me. I'll never forget that man and I hope he's doing well. And then I started thinking about all the people in the entire world who make a simple globe come to life. And then I remembered that all of those people, all of the billions and billions of people are children of God. And then I was amazed.

I am still amazed and I am grateful.

Lunch Break

Today while I was working I was having a hard time focusing because it was soo pretty outside and I wanted to play. So, I decided that i was going to enjoy the weather during my lunch break. Here are a few pictures.Please remember that these pictures are taken in my backyard. Literally. This is my backyard!! The picture above was taken from my deck.

Before I moved out here, I was told that I wouldn't see blue skies October-June. Well, today is November 17 and I have seen a lot of blue skies lately! Washington is a beautiful state! Sure, it rains but it hasn't been as much as people made me believe.

All in all, it was an awesome way to spend the hour (okay, maybe I was out a little longer than an hour). Being outside makes me know God lives and loves me.

I decided while I was out that my friends and I are going to have boat making contents. We are going to make them and race them. haha. That post will certainly be coming in the future. Get ready!!!

Just something to think about...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Mom!!

Today has been a weird day.

I called my mom at midnight to wish her a happy birthday. She is in St. George with her friend Chantell (I have no idea if I am spelling her name right). My mom was laughing the way I used to laugh when I had slumber parties with my friends. She was being so silly. I laughed because she was laughing.

I went to work but while I was working I had my mom in my mind. I went to Edmonds-which is right next to the water. I had to go to a building that is literally on the water. The west side of the building is on stilits that go into the water. Then I went and sat on a log that was on the beach. I thought of my mom.

I was driving home when my grandpa called. It was random that he called because I was thinking of him earlier as I was getting ready for my day. I was imagining my mom as a little baby wrapped in blakets as my grandparents held and rocked her. I felt grateful for my grandparents for raising such an amazing woman. I imagined my mom as a little girl-the high hopes she must have had. The nights she had with friends dreaming and laughing about her futre. I imagined being her friend-growing up along side her. I imagined what our conversations would have been like.

Today I learned again that life is different from what we except. My moms life is entirely different from the expectations she had-perhaps she is no different from the majority of all people in that regard. BUT through it all, she has kept eyes to see goodness.

My mom is my hero. My mom is my inspiration. My mom is my strength. Because of her I see perfection in imperfection.

Since it is her birthday, and since I feel every person would be better if they knew her, I will recommend you going to this link to learn more about my mom!

http://chelbel314.blogspot.com/2008/10/once-again-my-mom.html

To Megan...

My friend (although I have never met her) commented on my last post. She mentioned how I helped her understand her brother a little more...

I am nothing more than a girl who has had her own convictions and experiences and A LOT of those esperiences have been with God and feel like I know Him. I love Him. I write only from my own experience and I realize that some of the things I feel and believe might be different from the things you feel and believe-and that is okay. No argument needed-only room for acceptance, love, and compromise.

So, to my friend Megan, I feel happy that I have given you perhaps a new perspective on the struggles your brother has faced and is still facing. I don't know why or how but I am blessed with an amazing family who is nothing but supportive and encouraging of my desire to find peace and happiness. I wouldn't write so candidly about my experiences and feelings without their support. I would still be stuck in the bottomless pit of self hatred and desperation without their love.

They are the true teachers. They radiate love and compassion in everything they do. They are the best Christians I know.

Perhaps I am wrong but I feel every person has a few similarities (aside from the basic complexity of anatomy). I believe that the thing every person wants, above all things, is love. And I'm not talking about the love you get from your mom and dad and grandma and grandpa (although those things are irreplaceable), I am talking about the in love kind of love. The love that makes you giddy inside. The love that has painted our minds through music, TV, movies and books. We work for that kind of love since we're little. In middle and high school we wake up, get ready, try and look attractive to the person we are attracted to. We start going to parties and other social gatherings hoping to see the cute boy or girl we are crushing on. We lose sleep, appetites, and focus when we think about the person. And eventually, they become our other and better half and there is nothing else in the world that you want-except for maybe kids down the road.

If we have an understanding of our own lives, of our own desires, it might make it easier to understand the actions of others. (Once again) It is my belief that no person is gay to make life harder for themselves, their families, or anyone. People are gay because that person they are attracted to, the person they lose sleep, appetites, and focus on, and the person they long to start a life with is a person of the same sex. But perhaps there isn't a particular person at all-perhaps there is just hope of a person-and the person that is hoped for is a member of the same sex because that is what is attractive to them.

My world is a bubble sometimes. I like it that way. I know that people are promiscuous. That love, for moments at a time, is secondary to personal (and sexual) gratification. That is a topic I can't write about because I don't understand it.

My hat goes off to my family (and my heart is overflowing with deep appreciation that is impossible to express in words). In a recent email my mom sent to me she said, (and this was literally cut and pasted from the email to my blog):

"I know you are a fighter and a survivor. I was telling Jami that I feel so bad that my kids are so used to surviving. I wish with all my heart that life would be easier for the Nelsons for just a time. But, we have each other, and with that, we have EVERYTHING!"

Yes, because I have my family, I feel I have everything!!!

It is the most unfortunate of all when people break the family bond because someone is gay, or having other issues that aren't 'normal'...because family is everything.

So to Megan, and people in Megan's situation, consider your own desires and the things that mean most to you. Consider the things that you wanted ever since you were a little girl. I can only guess that you wanted Prince Charming to come sweep you off your feet (and from looking at your cute blog, it seems he has). Again, it's only a guess but I guess that those same desires are the desires your brother has-they are only expressed it different ways.

People are quick to look at differences we have. Black, white, gay, straight, republican, democrat, Christian, Muslim...This list could go on and on. In the quiet hours of the night and when I am stuck in my own thoughts (which happens way more often then I like to admit), I think of what it would be like if people would be quick to look at our similarities instead.

We aren't that different after all.

Prop 8

Perhaps I am too open on my blog but I just got off the phone with my sister and she encouraged me to write about my feelings...so here I go.

Proposition 8.

Soo many things have been written and said about Prop 8. I will add a little more.

I love love. I have been in love a few times in my life and it makes me happy. Love makes me feel like I am on top of the world, like I can do anything. I love having someone in my life that I can rely on for anything and who can rely on me too. I love thinking about future...thinking about creating my life with someone. I have tried starting a life with people in the past, but it was nearly impossible because I wasn't comfortable or honest about who I was.

Ever since I was a little girl I have dreamt of getting married and having my little kids run around my house. When I was 6, maybe 7, I started making a book of things I want to do with my kids. Not sure where that book is now...its in a box at my parents house but I have certainly added to the list of things I want to do with my kids in my mind and heart.

I don't want to get married because most of my friends are married. I want to get married because I want to get married. I want to get married because marriage is the ultimate symbol of love and commitment. The kind of love and commitment that I imagine every person wants-I dream of it, I long for it. I want it more than I want anything-as I'm sure most people do.

I don't argue with any person for having their opinion regarding same sex marriage. We can all have our own opinions. But how (and why) can any person look at two people who love each other and say that they can't get married. Shouldn't marriage be a right every person should enjoy?

My dad asked me today why we (gay people) can't just call it something different. A civil union instead of marriage. I don't want a civil union because I want to get married. I want to participate in a wedding-not because a wedding itself is important but because weddings are the event that bind people. I want to get married because my parents did, my sister did-everyone I love and admire and want to be like did. They don't have civil unions, they have marriages. I want to get married and make my marriage happy and successful because there is nothing else a person can do that shows more love. I want to get married for the same reasons all my friends wanted (and did) get married. I want to find a person, ONE PERSON, who I want to share the rest of my life with. Why don't I just live with that person? Why didn't my parents? Why didn't my friends? Because people want to get married to the person they love.

At this moment in my life, I am nowhere close to getting married. But I hope for it someday. I pray for it even.

But then the discussion about the church comes up.

For anyone who knows me well knows that I love my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. I love the gospel. I have a testimony in the prophet Joseph Smith and I have a testimony that Gordon B Hinckley was a prophet too. I haven't asked God if Thomas S Monson is a prophet but I have faith that he is.

So right now I am struggling. How can I have a testimony in the church and embrace the lifestyle I am living and support things like gay marriage? I thought coming out would give me soo much peace and assurance. It has a little but I'm still having a hard time.

We are taught that the gospel is a plan of happiness. President Hinckley said that the members of the church of Jesus Christ should be the happiest people in the world because they have the knowledge of the gospel. He did not say that some members, or most members, he said all members. And there are gay members of the church. There are a lot of them. Unfortunately there are too many who, because they aren't accepted in the walls of churches, leave and become hard-trying to find peace elsewhere.

I don't have a conclusion. I don't know what is right. I am left with my own thoughts and literature regarding the topic. The love God has for me is a miracle-God is a miracle-God is soo good and awesome and when I think about Him I am humbled. I don't think I am a disappointment to Him, I have faith that He understands I fought and tried to rid myself of things that weren't 'right'. I believe He understands that if I didn't accept certain truths about myself, that I may not be here, that a life of depression and sadness is not a life for any of His children to live.

Elder Holland said it when asked about homosexuality, "We don't have all the answers."

We don't have all the answers. But God does. And according to the poster that was in my high school English classroom, "God made me so I know I'm not junk. I was made this way..."

Things that make me me

There are a few things that make Chelsea Chelsea.
I am going to list the top 10. They are in no particular order.

10. I love being outside
9. I love people
8. I love to play basketball
7. I love my family
6. I love to write
5. I love to be active
4. I love good food
3. I love NBA basketball season
2. I love taking pictures
1. I love to learn

Things are good right now because I am associating with all of those things-completing the list tonight because I have my first basketball game!!

I am proud to me an American

I was going to ignore the desire I have to write about the results of the presidential election that just passed BUT after reading some thoughts regarding Obama off some of the blogs of friends, I decided to write.

The night the world learned that Barack Obama is going to be out next president is comparable to September 11th in the fact that I will never forget where I was or what I was doing.

I was at Diana and Rose's home. We were playing games and eating delicious food. The TV was on in the background. Taboo was the game we were playing, I was sitting next to Diana...someone pointed to the TV and said, "Guys! Look!" I looked at the TV but was focusing on Diana because it seemed she was going to have a panic attack. She couldn't breath...but all of a sudden she started clapping and a few tears streamed down her face. I was glad to know she was okay...and I turned to watch the TV.

November 4, 2008 is significant for soo many reasons.

It is a testimony to me that the world, or America, is moving toward equality. We are far from it but Barack Obama is living evidence of the progress America has made. He is a symbol of change and hope and freedom.

My heart sinks a little when I read accusations based on false information though (which takes me back to reality that true eqaulity is far from being reached). He is muslim, the anti-christ, and he doesn't even have a US birth certificate. Martin Luther King's dream of people not being judged by the color of their skin is still only a dream.

I am choosing not to write about my political views on my blog. I realize politics are a delicate subject. I am choosing to write about the pride and emotion that overcame my entire self with the announcement of our new president.

I recently posted on my blog that I am part of a major minority group. I am part of a minority group that doesn't have the rights and privledges that others partake in everyday. Can you imagine what it would be like if a gay man or woman wanted to run for the president of the United States?! I am guessing it might be similar to the reaction Obama may have gotten if he wanted to run for president in the 70's, 80's and possibly even the 90's. My sexual orientation would not dictate my ability to run a country, just as it wouldn't dictate my ability to do any job. But nonetheless, no gay person in this present day would have the opportunity to become the president of the United States.

Barack Obama is a symbol to every person who currently or previously has lived without freedom. Or maybe to every person who hopes for the day when noone will have to live without freedom. We indeed live in a free country but to some there are limits and boundries on the most basic freedoms people enjoy. Love, marriage, family-the three things that, in my opinion, life is all about.

Here is to a possibility of great, great change and to our new president.

More than anyother time in my life, I am proud to be an American!!

Some pictures...for Angie

Angie has asked me about pictures... so, Ang, this is for you and for anyone else wondering what my new enviorment looks like...

This is the view out of my front window!!! I have an inflatable boat. You better believe we were out on that boat today!

These pics were taken on a nice little drive in Lake Stevens. I don't like in Lake Stevens anymore but did up until a few days ago. These pictures certainly represent what most roads look like where I am. It is absolutely beautiful! Especially right now during fall.

This pic was in an elevator that had a mirror as the ceiling. I was totally captivated!

This is my friend Greg. I hardly know the guy but he randomly called me and we went to Seattle for a couple hours the other day. It was my first time to Pikes Place Market since I've lived here...it is a real fun place to spend a couple hours. Every now and again I am amazed that this is the place I live. Washington is a beautiful place!

This was interesting. There was a guy who was washing his clothes in the fountain.One of the first weekends I was here, Erika took me up to Bellingham-which might be one of the prettiest places I have ever seen. This pic was taken in a road called ChuckaNut. I love that name! I kept trying to find reasons to say it. It made me smile, and still makes me smile, when I say (and type) that word.
I know this isn't much but its a start. I will be better at posting pics of my experience in this crazy place called Washington!

The place I call home

I am at my new home. (yes, that is right. I have moved for the THIRD time in three months. I am confident that I will be staying here for awhile. No more moving!) It feels good here. I am looking out at the river, or perhaps just a big stream, that is in my backyard. The other night my friend/coworker stayed at my house and had a dream that the river was going to flood my new house. It won't. I want to go swim and kayak in the river. Its a perfect place to practice a kayak roll.

There are trees right outside the window. And there are trees on the hills behind the golf course (which is behind the river). It really is a beautiful view.

Out front there is a trail that people bike on. I want a road bike. It seems a lot of people here have road bikes. I want the spandex outfit too. I will look good in spandex.

The bathroom has a sweet Seattle skyscraper mirror in it. I laugh when I see it. The kitchen is nice. The microwave is confusing. It's too high tech.

The guy I am renting this house from used to be on TV. He was Wildboy on the TV show Bigfoot and Wildboy. He has all kinds of pictures of himself when he was young. He was cute! ha! I am renting from a TV celebrity!

There is an older couple who lives below me. There is a Mother-in-law apartment down there. They are real nice. Lynn, the lady who lives down there, is going through chemotherapy. She is sick most of the time. Paul, her husband, tells me how much he loves and adores his wife every time I talk to him. I want to have a relationship like that someday.

I am happy to be here. It feels good.

The girl in the mirror

This morning as I was brushing my teeth for the second time (first is right when I got up, second is before I got in the shower) I was looking in the mirror and the strangest thing happened. I started talking to the person I saw. I talked to her. Cried to her. Laughed to her. I had a full on conversation that lasted nearly 25 minutes with the person in the mirror.

It was kind of fun talking to the girl in the mirror. She is kinda funny and kinda strange. She likes to make faces and do weird things with her mouth.

The girl I saw reminded me of a few things. She reminded me that I am special and loved. She reminded me that the most important thing I can do is be my own best friend. She comforted me and told me I am wonderful!

Thanks girl in the mirror! I was feeling low. You helped me feel better.

Tol

Since my blog has been nothing but craziness the last while, I feel (most) people have neglected to take part in something quite hilarious!

Who would have thought

Did you know you can die from a broken heart?
I read it in the news paper today and also read it when I went to Body World (refer to blog if you don't know what Body World is).

We need to try and take care of people a little better than we do. Let's not break hearts.

Once again, MY MOM

It has been passed around that my mom is having a hard time. I have heard it, not from her, but from my other family members and a few friends. She is having a hard time with the news that I publicized a few days ago...It wasn't the first time she had heard that I am gay but I think it became more real once I posted it on my blog for everyone to read.

I'm not a mom so I can't fully understand but I have an idea of the things that she is feeling. She feels like a bad mom, like she could have and should have done something different so I would be different.

My mom is worlds best mom! I could write novels about the positive influence she has been in my life.

Never in my life have I met anyone who is as giving and loving as my mom. We grew up with friends, family and strangers coming to our house for dinner because my mom found out they didn't have a place to go. It wasn't an unusual thing for my mom to make more food then would feed my family because she didn't know who would be coming over to eat.

I can't remember ever getting in trouble when I was a kid except for when I was mean to Annie Bateman. I told Annie to shutup in 2nd grade and somehow my mom found out. She was upset with me. She helped me understand that I hated it when people were mean to me so I better not be mean to other kids-even if they were mean to me first.

My mom worked 2, 3, 4 jobs at a time to allow me and my siblings to do what we wanted to do (I can't actually remember the number of jobs, I just know that she seemed to always be working. Paper routes, piano teacher, Kopper Kard, Nordstrom and of course, being my mom). It didn't seem she had much time for herself. It didn't seem that way because it wasn't that way.

My dad was sick during my childhood-during my entire life actually. It seemed he spent a lot of time at the hospital or in bed. Looking back it seemed he had bandages on his arms most of the time because of the treatments he had to go through. I always thought my dad was going to die because a lady who lived up the street died of cancer and I knew my dad had cancer so I thought the result would be the same. I really clung to my dad afraid he wouldnt be around much longer but I relied on my mom for survival.

During early elementary school was a hard time for me. I was a major tom boy-which is a perfect thing to be if you want to be made fun daily. When the final bell rang I would run all the way home just to avoid the name calling and sometimes object throwing. When I got to my house I was sometimes in tears and would run in my room and cover my head with my covers. One particular day my mom had enough. She was tired of seeing her baby girl in so much pain.

She scooped me up in her arms and told me that we could go to the store and purchase dresses and dolls so I could be like the other girls OR I could start loving myself and not care about how the other kids treated me. She told me that if I loved myself and started being me, I would someday be respected for it. That lesson has been ringing in my ears since-particularly lately.

Another time during elementary school years, I was at church with my family and I was sitting next to my mom. We sat on the very back row a lot because we were late. One time I remember a man walk in and I turned to my mom and said that he didn't belong in church. I can't remember all the specifics about the man-I just remember he had long hair and was wearing jeans and a leather jacket. My mom grabbed my arm and took me out to the foyer-and explained that every person in the chapel belonged at church-that the man who walked passed us was an important child of God. Then after the meeting we walked to the man and she introduced him to me and I think I even hugged the guy.

I could go on and on about lessons my mom has taught. Before I started high school I went to my mom and asked her for one piece of advice. She advised me to say hi to every single person. She didn't advise me to get good grades or make sure my homework was done. She advised me on something, in my opinion, that is much more important...make sure you're nice to people!

My mom is an all star! She raised me and my siblings with love. She taught by example! I am best friends with my siblings and I attribute that to the way my parents raised me. I feel sad when she is hard on herself. I feel sad that her greatest strength is also her greatest weakness-internalizing the pain of the world and carrying it on her shoulders.

I love you, Mom! And I am so very sorry that I have made you sad and have made you feel like you're a bad mom. That couldn't be further from the truth. You are perfect. You love your children perfectly. I think I am a good person with good standards and morales and those came from you. I am going to continue to do good things in my life-which desire came from you. I feel all of my goodness came from you and all of the things that aren't so good came with me-when I born or perhaps they just developed with time and experience. I don't know-but I do know that you molded me into a good functioning human.

I wish I was home in Utah right now so I could give you a big giant hug. I guess we'll have to wait for Christmas.

My collection

I've never really collected anything. When I was little I remember Josh Stansfield (who carved my name is Rollerblades) collected basketball cards. Taryn collected spoons. My sister collected dolls I think. I have heard my mom say that she has collected junk. But I, up until the last couple years, haven't collected anything (except for maybe some junk here and there).

My itch for traveling started when I learned how to walk. I've always had the desire and the first time I got to leave this country is when I was 16. I went to Peru for a couple weeks on a humanitarian mission. While I was there we visited an underprivledge school and we were all given a gift. I was given an awesome ceramic sun that was made and painted by a student who was 8 at that school.

The sun went home to Utah with me and I've spent a lot of time with that sun. I love it! I love it for a lot of reasons and that sun started my sun collection-which I didn't realize until a few years ago.

Suns are my symbol. If I were to ever get something tattooed on my body, it would be a sun. As I have thought more about the sun, there isn't anything else I would want to pattern my life after. The sun provides light and warmth and gives the opportunity of life. Since I have been in Washington I have heard about seasonal depression-an actual condition people experience because they don't see the sun.

This sun came from Peach Days. I got this sun in Hawaii! I feel like it smiles at me most of the time.

It is proven that the sun provides our bodies and minds with nutrients they need. My friends Lenna (90) and Beulah (85), who both live in Logan and who are both heroes of mine, have HUGE gardens-they have both told me about years where the sun didn't come out as often...their gardens didn't produce nearly the amount of food. I went to Denver about a month ago-one of the sunniest places in the United States and it seemed everyone was happy. It was such a different feeling there compared to Washington. People are nice here-but it was so different! When I asked people in Denver about this noticiable difference, they responded the sun was the reason.

I love the sun.

It is surprising to wake up this time of year and see sunshine in Washington but when I woke up this morning sunshine was blaring through the window and happiness was beaming from inside me! Have you ever felt like your insides can smile? That's how I felt this morning.

I will go play in it.

Eat, Pray, Love

If you want a good, motivating and perhaps even life changing book READ THIS ONE!!! I haven't really been able to put it down. It's incredbile!

Friends

I have a lot of good friends but right now I'd like to make a shout out to my friend Lisa!

Nothing is more comforting than the sure knowledge that you are cared for and loved. I mean, imagine going day to day without the reassurance of those special relationships that make life worth living.

It's nice to have people in my life who don't have to understand everything that is going on but who has the time to hear about those things anyways. People who love me regardless of anything-they love me just because I am me. Lisa, you're the best! Love you!!!

Coming Out

This entry might come to a surprise to some and no surprise to others. I feel nervous sitting here at my computer but am excited to finally get this out.

I am a lesbian. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am an aunt. I am so many different things-including a lesbian.

National Coming Out Day was a few days ago. I know a few people that came out on that day. Coming out is scary but it also gives freedom! Refering to a few posts ago, this is my truth that my aunt was referring to and accepting it is setting me free!

I currently live in Washington and everyone I have met there knows that I am a lesbian. I used to live in Logan, UT. I never came out in Logan…I was too scared. People speculated and I usually denied it. When I lived in Logan I went back and forth (back and forth with my sexual orientation to the LDS church) not knowing what I should do. I didn’t feel peace. To say the least, I had a lot of self hatred. I contemplated ending my life on several occasions. I tried my hardest to stay busy so I couldn’t/wouldn't wallow in my sadness and confusion.

Well, that has ended. I have accepted it and I am learning to love it-or, in other words, to love me.

I have told a few people of my decision to accept who I am and there are so many questions that have been asked. I will try and address some of those now…

How long have I known? My entire life. Ever since I was a little girl I’ve known. I didn’t recognize it for what it was until after I graduated high school. Or maybe I just didn’t want to recognize it until then but I’ve always felt different.

When I went to college I was committed to be a strong member of the Church of Jesus Christ and for the most part, I was. I even had mission papers at one point. But during those experiences I wasn’t content. I was depressed. I still had moments where I thought death would be better than living. But I continued going to church, saying my prayers, preparing to go on a mission-I tried to do everything right but I didn’t feel right. I felt (by exact definition) crazy because even though I tried so hard, and maybe even appeared to be, the mormon poster child, I never felt the things that were promised in the scriptures. I never felt good. When I decided to go away from the church for moments at a time, I began to feel like a human. I didn’t feel so alienated. I began to feel peace. It all seemed backwards. It still seems backwards to me.

I still believe in the church-which confuses people more than anything else. I love the church! I have a testimony in Jesus Christ! I know God lives and I know He loves me. That knowledge made it easier for me to come to my conclusion to accept myself and stop fighting. I know that He understands what I’ve had to go through more than I even understand. I am thankful that He is my judge. Knowing that makes me feel okay.

I don’t try and make excuses, like some people like to argue. I don’t try to justify my actions. I just say things the way I see them-the way I feel.

I want to get married and have kids! I love kids more than I love anything in the world and someday I want to have my own little ones! Most of my good friends have had babies the last couple years and I have spent hours curled up in my room sobbing because I wasn’t sure I’d have the same opportunity-because of my sexuality. Each time I heard of a friend who was expecting a baby I became so excited for them but self hatred surfaced. I wondered why I couldn't rid myself of my feelings so I could make my dream come true of having a family. Luckily, I have realized that my dream can come true. During the last year I have met people in same sex relationships who have kids! Someday that will be me! I will be a mom!

Having kids is the thing I look forward to more than anything else in my life. My greatest fear is not having those future kids loved and accepted by family and friends. I guess we’ll see what happens-it is at least a couple years down the road but when it comes, I hope that they are loved the same way they would be if I were in a heterosexual relationship!

If I had pages and pages to write on I still couldn’t explain the things I have had to go through throughout my life to come to the conclusion to come out and be proud that I am a lesbian. There is so much that goes in to it. I guess I should let my readers know that I am open to talk. If you have questions, let me know!

Moving on.

I have been in love before but never felt comfortable telling anyone. Instead of announcing to the world that I felt on top of the world because of this love, I hid it and told only myself and every now and again my journal. I was afraid to tell my journal a lot of times-wondering who would find it and read it. I have had heartbreak. Ending a relationship-not because the relationship wasn't good-but because confusion about the gospel and self identity. A beautiful, or a potential beautiful relationship ended-not because of a lack of love or because it was evil or anything like that. It ended because I and/or my girlfriend wasn't comfortable... and when it ended I was left heartbroken without having anyone to talk to. Dealing with all of that alone has been hell. I went to bishops and counselors but talked to people who didn’t know me. I was telling these life issues to strangers-oh, it was a lonely time! I wanted support! And when people who I thought were my friends, and who I thought would offer bits of understanding heard that I was living a lesbian lifestyle, starting sending emails and making phone calls to others mocking and ridiculing me. I was told that it would be better if I were to die than be gay. I was told I couldn't be in contact with certain people anymore...I lost a lot of friends.

I didn’t attend church for awhile after that and I stopped going because of the bitterness I had toward its members-the very people who said these awful things to me. Stupid, I know. I realize that the gospel is perfect-not the people. But that is what I needed to stop going.

Wow! I realize I could write novels about the church topic but I will stop. So much goes into it.

There is so much more about my story-just like anybodys story who is my age. My self discovery story began in elementry school but becoming fully comfortable with my self discovery story started a few months ago. All of the details are impossilbe to remember and a lot of them are too sad or too personal to share. This post is only a start but at least it is a start. A very very small start.

I will end by saying I am proud to be me! I like me! I believe in me. There are a lot of things I wish I could change about myself and the world that I live in-I live with little regret (I wish that I was free from all regret) but when I look in the mirror I like what I see. The regret that I have is not loving myself throughout my battle. I regret hurting the most important person in the world to me because I wasn't able to extend open arms to myself. That is all different-that has all changed. I will say it again and again. I like me. I believe in me and I am proud to be me!

To the readers of my blog-whether you are friends, family or strangers, open your hearts to things that are different. Don't agree if you can't agree but show love and compassion to things that are different!

hahahahaha!

I am wondering how he knows this entire song! I can't stop laughing!

(I realize that most of this video is sideways but I was driving so give me a break!)

Date night consisted of horse ride, train ride, Carls Jr., singing songs, and eating treats!

The Canyon

Tonight I did something with my family that I don't ever remember doing with them. My dad insisted that we've done it before but I can't remember...

We went up Milcreek Canyon, made a fire and cooked dinner! It was so fun being up there with my family. Anyone who knows me well knows that I LOVE being in the mountains. I have spent so much time up there and it truly is the place I feel like me. My mind seems to think clearer, my heart seems to be more grateful, my eyes see beautiful things...I just feel...there is really no word I can think of- I just love it!

Tonight was special to me. Tolman and Addi were there and I got to take them down to the river and tell them that I loved them and taught them a little bit about the trees that were around us. We sat on a rock, threw rocks in the stream and sang, Twinkle Twinkle while looking at the stars. Tolman asked me to sing it a few times. In the middle of the song he grabbed my hand and said he wanted me to stay with him. I stopped singing for a minute to respond but when I stopped he said he wanted me to keep singing. He is so sweet! When I was making my tin foil dinner I reached to get some red peppers when Tolman said, "chel!" I didn't respond to him so he said it again. "CHEL!" I turned and looked at him and asked what he needed. He said, "I just want to tell you that I love you." I got teary and continued making my tin foil dinner. I love that boy!

When I am in the mountains I know for certain that God is real and that I am loved. I feel that He made the mountains just for me! I always love going to the mountains but being there with my family was extra special and I knew more than ever before that I am loved! I have so much to be thankful for!

FAMILY! Here I come!

I don't think this could have come at a better time. I get to go see my family for a couple days in a couple days. WOOOHOOOO!!!!

I have been missing my family a lot. Yesterday I talked to Jame and Tol on the phone and just cried. My emotions have been running a little crazy lately and hearing their voices made me SOO happy that I couldn't hold back the tears.

The last week or so I have been pretty good playing "I am thankful for...." game. I love playing the game because it reminds me how much I have to be thankful for. My family is always on the list of things I am thankful for!

I know a lot of good familes but never ever would I change the family that I have. My parents are great and my siblings are my best friends. I admire them, I adore them and have so much fun while I'm with them. Soo glad I get to see you later on THIS WEEK! WOOHOOO!

Me again

Hi blog. It seems the only thing that is constantly there in my life these days is my blog. I can talk to it. Scream at it. Laugh at it. Cry at it. I can do whatever I want to my blog and it is always there. Lately I have ran to it. Not because anything bad or good or anything else has been happening. It is just comforting to know that I have something consistent in my life.

Lets talk about consistency. Its hard. Its boring sometimes. But man oh man... it is sooo good! Its hard to be consistent though. Hard to eat right, to exercise, to write on my blog, to stay on the bright side of things, to keep in touch with old friends...you get what I'm trying to say (of corse you do, you're my blog), it's just hard to be consistent.

I have had a few responses from my last post about being tired. It seems the conscensous is that I am either pregnant or life has just kicked me in the butt. There is no way I am pregnant (I wish! I soo would love to have a baby!) so I have concluded that life is just crazy right now. I will have you know though, I am okay. I am happy. I am learning things about myself that I've never known. Its amazing to seperate yourself from everything you've ever known and see who you are, what you do, and who you are...its been interesting to me anyway.

Life is certainly a journey. It isn't a journey of discoverying yourself but a journey of creating yourself. I will keep on creating.

Thanks again blog for listening. I love you.

Tired

I sleep. I eat. I drink a lot of water. I try and stay active (but obviously not as active as I should be). I spend time outside. I go out with friends. I work hard. I write. I do everything that I should do but for the last week or so I have felt so tired.

Perhaps I'm not physically tired. Perhaps being emotionally, spiritually, and mentally tired result in feeling physically tired. But how do you get out of the exhaustion? Any suggestions?

set free

This last weekend I got to go to San Fran to attend my cousin (actaully my dads cousin) Brooke's wedding. It was the most beautiful wedding and so much fun to be able to go and see my family (since I've been in Seattle for the last...hmm...almost two months ago).
The wedding itself was comparable to a magical fairytale. It was locnear Half Moon Bay on a vineyard overlooking the ocean. The scenery was spectactular and the weather was perfect. Apparnetly the weather in that area is generally cloudy and windy-but it was perfect for the wedding!

The dinner and reception was a blast! Amazing food, phenomial band, great dancing-just a real fun night!

BUT perhaps the highlight of the trip was a comment that was made to me by my aunt Pam. The morning I was headed back to Washington (I had to leave before everyone else...had to catch an earlier flight) she came and gave me a hug and said, "Find your truth then live your truth. When you do it will set you free!"

That phrase hasn't left me since she said it. It holds so much power and screams clarity to me.

I believe every person has a diferent kind of truth. We have things that we believe, that we want to become, that we KNOW we can become, but because of the things life does, we don't-or possibly we can't. We get lost in the middle not really knowing what to do or how to do it. We simply go from day to day doing what we've always done-perhaps not realizeing that we place limits on ourselves. (I realize that I talk only from my own experience but use words like 'we' and 'us' hoping I'm not alone.) We do what we see other people doing-maybe we do what our parents did which is certainly fine and works well-but it just isn't my truth and isn't my dream.

I have always been a real idealistic person. I live in the clouds. To some my reality is a little far fectched but it is my reality nonetheless. I love it. I love shooting for the stars even if I miss a bit-even if I miss a lot actaully. I love trying new things and pushing my own limits. I actually don't feel like I have limits-just things I haven't tried yet.

Wow. My mind is going crazy now. I could go off on all kinds of tagents. I won't. I will stick to one thing: Find your truth then live it and it will set you free.

Writing

I find comfort in writing. Spilling my thoughts on paper (or a computer screen) just feels good. It has always been a goal of mine to write a book. I sit and write a few pages here and there and one day it will be complete. One day I will have something publiched. Maybe people will read it but I don't really care if people read it-I won't something published for me and maybe for my kids.

I was talking to a friend the other day and I have been thinking about the conversation since. We were in the car on our way to dinner when began explaining how there have been times in my life where I have felt that I am living just to exsist-that everyday seemed to be the same and that I wasn't really working toward anything. I was explaining that I didn't like living that way. She told me that she thought at least 80% of the human population lived that way-just to exsist. Is that true? And if it is true, is that okay? Are people happy iliving that way?

A night alone

Its a Friday night and I am lounging in the house tonight. I feel great about it.

Sometimes the most theraputic thing are moments alone with nothing and nobody except yourself. Try it sometime and let me know how it goes...

A few years ago I backpacked through Europe. I was gone for nearly 2.5 months. I went by myself. A few friends told me that they wanted to go with me but everyone bailed out. I couldn't bail out-I had always wanted to go. I remember being dropped off at the airport-my parents dropped me off and a friend came too. My mom stayed in the car because she wasn't feeling well so my dad and friend walked me in and bid me farewell. I was soo excited to go on this little journey.

It was kind of a big deal for me. I was only 19 and spending a little more than 2 months in an unknown place was more than exciting.

this is me in the Swiss Alps

When I got to Europe after that long flight I started to wander. I walked up and down all the streets wondering where I was going and what I was doing. I will shamefully admit that within the first few hours of being there I wondered what I had gotten myself into.

I had spent a few semesters at college before I went to Europe-but I lived with some of my best friends and wasn't too far from my family- so I never knew the feeling of being lonely.

So I was in Europe for only a couple days when I experienced the worst feeling I have ever felt. I felt all alone. It was the most bizarre feeling I had ever had because there were people all around me but I still felt so lonely. I have felt that feeling since then but that was the first time I remember feeling it.

In Amsterdam-just minutes away from Anne Franks House

(I swear, I am getting to the point)
I went to Europe with my a backpack. It had clothes for 2.5 months, a change of shoes, a book, my camera and my journal. Thats it. So when I was bored I wrote in my journal and searched for people to talk to. I really learned to jump out of my comfort zone and talk to people-all people.

Going back to the point of feeling lonely...I was in a place where I was experiencing amazing things! One of the reasons I wanted to go to Europe was to hike the Swiss Alps. One particular day I woke up before the sun would rise and climbed to a peak and would sit in awe as I watched the sun come up off the horizon. I imagined my family going to sleep-imagined their sky getting dark as mine became light and I didn't have anyone to share it with. Amazing and depressing all at the same time.

Venice Italy has got to be one of my favorite places!

I had a life changing experience one morning. I was getting ready in a hostel in Germany. I was doing my normal morning routine but became stuck in my tracks while I was in front of the mirror brushing my hair. I had an amazing experience-one that I wish everyone could have.

I sat there looking at myself and I liked what I saw. I'm not talking about how I looked or anything like that. I liked who I saw in the mirror. I felt like I had become my own best friend. Because of my situation, I had to spend so much time with only myself. Even if I got sick of myself I couldn't hide in a conversation with a friend (and I got tired reading the same book over and over again and there is only soo much you can write in your journal). I learned that I am the only person that I have to be 100% myself with...and when I was 100% me, I liked it. I liked me. I loved me. I liked how I thought, I liked the kind of eyes I saw the world out of, I liked the way I saw people, I liked soo much about who I was. I even realized that I liked some of my imperfections-I learned to see perfection in my imperfections.

Now, for those of you reading my blog I hope that you don't label me as cocky or self obsessed or anything like that. (I am having a hard time putting my thoughts into words so bare with me.)

Please tell me (honestly) what would the world be like if we all valued ourselves as much as we valued our family members or perhaps our best friends? I believe it would be so much happier. Or what if we believed in ourselves a little more? Just imagine believing in yourself as much as your momma and papa did/does... or perhaps believing in yourself as much as you did when you were in grade school.

I felt those things about myself when I as 19 in an unknown place. I remember not only hearing that the sky was the limit but I believed it with every part of me. There wasn't a thing that could stop me from doing anything. For some reason I have fallen away from that a little bit BUT (time to celebrate) I'm feeling it again.

Been Awhile

I haven't been on this thing for awhile-not because there isn't anything to write about. Perhaps there is too much to write about. So many things have been going on and my mind is going crazy trying to remember things that people may want to read about...

I have been in Washington for just over a month. It's been a good month. It has been a little bit hard but overall, things are fantastic! The only constant thing in life is it is constantly changing and this move might be the most drastic change I have faced yet. Not only is the weather different (I don't think it has been more than 85 degrees since I've been here compared to mid 90's-100's in Utah) but the people, the scenery, the roads (I appreciate the way Utah addresses the roads)- most things are different. It is weird not having my family close by. When I miss them I can't get in my car and drive to them. Thank goodness for cell phones.

This change has been fantastic for me. Coming to a place where nobody knows me has been liberating. Starting new-new job, new friends, new everything...

Now to update on some of the specifics. I am employed as a PR Specialist at American Income Life. It's a great job with soo many opportunities. I applied for loads of jobs and had quite a few interviews before I got here and this one seems to be the best fit. I haven't done too many outdoor activities yet-I certainly go on a lot of bike rides and have been on just a couple hikes. There is a rock climbing gym close to my house so I will certainly be taking advantage of that. I have met a lot of great people-and have already made some great friends. The world is full of great people.

Just some thoughts

It is kinda nice being alone in a new place with new people and things to experience. I am left with nothing but my own thoughts a lot of times. And even though I am in Washington I have realized that (besides my family being further away) things aren't that different afterall.

I am surrounded my people who are just trying to do their best. The other day I was outside in the backyard and the backyard that is connected to this one has a tramp in it. Lots of kids were jumping on the tramp and throwing balls at each other and a few of the balls landed in this backyard and I threw them back. The dad of some of the kids starting talking to Erika and I...nothing different than home. People just doing their best and trying to survive. The kids were laughing and sreaming and their daddy was trying to make sure everyone was staying safe. Not much different than being at my house...

Blazing new trails...

Tolman, my nephew is certainly one of the things I will miss most about home. I love this little boy the way I imagine loving my own little ones.
Tolman taped me to the chair and said, "Now you can't move to Washington. You have to stay here." Soo sweet and soo sad. I keep looking around and wonder if this is really my life...

A few days ago I packed up everything I own into a Budget rental truck (I would suggest a Penske for anyone who is planning to make a long drive. There were times we would max out speed at 45 mph and watch Penske trucks fly by...) and drove from Logan, UT to Lake Stevens, WA on Wednesday. I came without a job, a set place to live, a limited social network, no idea where anything is and I absolutely love it!

I have wanted to move for quite sometime but kept waiting for the perfect time, perfect job, perfect opportunity...I learned there is no perfect time for anything-or perhaps NOW is the perfect time for everything.

It certainly hasn't hit me that this isn't a mere vacation; That I won't be going home in a few days, that I can't hop in the car and drive to see my family when I want to, that this forgein place really is my new home. That is all just a little crazy but so, so exciting.

Last Sunday my mom had a little party for me. My family was there along with some of my friends. When the night was coming to an end and I had to say goodbye to some of my siblings, I was a complete wreck. I don't know if there is a family as close as the Nelson clan-I adore my family, particilarly my siblings.

Danny has always been my best buddy-but more over the past few years than ever before. He will always be one of my favorite people! He is such a good friend and always makes me laugh. His wife Emi is just as wonderful! This is Erika, Danny, Emi and me!

Taryn and Brittany came by...SOOO good to see both of them. Hadn't seen either of them in awhile but will always been great friends of mine. It's soo great to have friends who you can see every now and again but it seems like nothing changes. Love you girls!

Ang, Steve and little Owen came. This was my first time meeting Owen. I had plans to kipnap him but those thoughts left when I saw how Ang looked at her little guy. So much love... Some day I will have my own!Erika flew down to Utah to drive back with me. I decided to show her the my favorite place in Utah while she was here. This is us above Silver Lake.I don't think I would have been able to move without Patrick. First of all, he took over my job, a job that I absolutely adore AND he came and packed up my truck. Thanks Patrick!

My first night in Washington...Sarah and I went long boarding on the same long board. It was pretty stellar.