Once again, MY MOM

It has been passed around that my mom is having a hard time. I have heard it, not from her, but from my other family members and a few friends. She is having a hard time with the news that I publicized a few days ago...It wasn't the first time she had heard that I am gay but I think it became more real once I posted it on my blog for everyone to read.

I'm not a mom so I can't fully understand but I have an idea of the things that she is feeling. She feels like a bad mom, like she could have and should have done something different so I would be different.

My mom is worlds best mom! I could write novels about the positive influence she has been in my life.

Never in my life have I met anyone who is as giving and loving as my mom. We grew up with friends, family and strangers coming to our house for dinner because my mom found out they didn't have a place to go. It wasn't an unusual thing for my mom to make more food then would feed my family because she didn't know who would be coming over to eat.

I can't remember ever getting in trouble when I was a kid except for when I was mean to Annie Bateman. I told Annie to shutup in 2nd grade and somehow my mom found out. She was upset with me. She helped me understand that I hated it when people were mean to me so I better not be mean to other kids-even if they were mean to me first.

My mom worked 2, 3, 4 jobs at a time to allow me and my siblings to do what we wanted to do (I can't actually remember the number of jobs, I just know that she seemed to always be working. Paper routes, piano teacher, Kopper Kard, Nordstrom and of course, being my mom). It didn't seem she had much time for herself. It didn't seem that way because it wasn't that way.

My dad was sick during my childhood-during my entire life actually. It seemed he spent a lot of time at the hospital or in bed. Looking back it seemed he had bandages on his arms most of the time because of the treatments he had to go through. I always thought my dad was going to die because a lady who lived up the street died of cancer and I knew my dad had cancer so I thought the result would be the same. I really clung to my dad afraid he wouldnt be around much longer but I relied on my mom for survival.

During early elementary school was a hard time for me. I was a major tom boy-which is a perfect thing to be if you want to be made fun daily. When the final bell rang I would run all the way home just to avoid the name calling and sometimes object throwing. When I got to my house I was sometimes in tears and would run in my room and cover my head with my covers. One particular day my mom had enough. She was tired of seeing her baby girl in so much pain.

She scooped me up in her arms and told me that we could go to the store and purchase dresses and dolls so I could be like the other girls OR I could start loving myself and not care about how the other kids treated me. She told me that if I loved myself and started being me, I would someday be respected for it. That lesson has been ringing in my ears since-particularly lately.

Another time during elementary school years, I was at church with my family and I was sitting next to my mom. We sat on the very back row a lot because we were late. One time I remember a man walk in and I turned to my mom and said that he didn't belong in church. I can't remember all the specifics about the man-I just remember he had long hair and was wearing jeans and a leather jacket. My mom grabbed my arm and took me out to the foyer-and explained that every person in the chapel belonged at church-that the man who walked passed us was an important child of God. Then after the meeting we walked to the man and she introduced him to me and I think I even hugged the guy.

I could go on and on about lessons my mom has taught. Before I started high school I went to my mom and asked her for one piece of advice. She advised me to say hi to every single person. She didn't advise me to get good grades or make sure my homework was done. She advised me on something, in my opinion, that is much more important...make sure you're nice to people!

My mom is an all star! She raised me and my siblings with love. She taught by example! I am best friends with my siblings and I attribute that to the way my parents raised me. I feel sad when she is hard on herself. I feel sad that her greatest strength is also her greatest weakness-internalizing the pain of the world and carrying it on her shoulders.

I love you, Mom! And I am so very sorry that I have made you sad and have made you feel like you're a bad mom. That couldn't be further from the truth. You are perfect. You love your children perfectly. I think I am a good person with good standards and morales and those came from you. I am going to continue to do good things in my life-which desire came from you. I feel all of my goodness came from you and all of the things that aren't so good came with me-when I born or perhaps they just developed with time and experience. I don't know-but I do know that you molded me into a good functioning human.

I wish I was home in Utah right now so I could give you a big giant hug. I guess we'll have to wait for Christmas.