This is a few days late but Merry Christmas.
During the Christmas break I got to reconnect with friends and extended family- and myself. It was a wonderful Christmas break! Now I am back in Seattle and feel ready to take on the world and enjoy it as much as I possibly can! Bring it.
I went to church on Christmas (i even put on a skirt- which was SO WEIRD! I no longer own a skirt and haven't worn one in over 3 years) and the bishop said that Christmas WAS about presents and I was confused. But then he clarified. It is about presence- not presents.
Christmas is about the presence of people we love. It is about the presence of love in our hearts and the presence of the desire to give. Those are the presence I want in my life. And I can have them everyday.
Christmas is wonderful!
I hope you had a wonderful Christmas, too!
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
wisdom
When asking my mom today how to get over something in your life that you have to get over she said, "time and service."
Time is what everyone says but I haven't heard service before.
She told me that losing myself in helping and loving others always will make me feel good. i have no control with how my heart responds to time but I do have control on how I treat and serve others.
Service. Holler!
Time is what everyone says but I haven't heard service before.
She told me that losing myself in helping and loving others always will make me feel good. i have no control with how my heart responds to time but I do have control on how I treat and serve others.
Service. Holler!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
heart swells and heart breaks
what a wonderful day so far! It is beautiful (but COLD out), I saw a hero of mine- a person who helped me gain a testimony of the gospel, i went on a walk with my mom, went shopping and wrapped some presents. but then- just a few minutes ago a friend called me that just received heartbreaking news. she called me devastated. she feels helpless and feels she is going to lose the things that are most important in her life. and the truth is, she might.
heartbreak comes in all different forms. It comes when we lose love. It comes when we lose ourselves- when we make mistakes that we never thought possible. heartbreak comes when people we love are hurting or when we see people we love make bad decisions. but luckily, even when our hearts are broken, our hearts can swell with love and thankfulness. we can see the beauty in the world and in others and hopefully in ourselves. our hearts swell when we fulfill commitments we make with ourselves and when we become closer to the person we hope to become. Our hearts swell when we are around people we love and when we laugh a lot- and we can laugh a lot even when are hearts are broken.
even though the journey is hard, there is joy in the journey. Even when things are so hard, there is light. And during the times that we don't feel like there is light, God will carry us. I know it. I had to remind my friend of that today. and as i reminded my friend, i reminded myself.
heartbreak creates strength. i know it. heartbreak turns into beautiful things.
heartbreak comes in all different forms. It comes when we lose love. It comes when we lose ourselves- when we make mistakes that we never thought possible. heartbreak comes when people we love are hurting or when we see people we love make bad decisions. but luckily, even when our hearts are broken, our hearts can swell with love and thankfulness. we can see the beauty in the world and in others and hopefully in ourselves. our hearts swell when we fulfill commitments we make with ourselves and when we become closer to the person we hope to become. Our hearts swell when we are around people we love and when we laugh a lot- and we can laugh a lot even when are hearts are broken.
even though the journey is hard, there is joy in the journey. Even when things are so hard, there is light. And during the times that we don't feel like there is light, God will carry us. I know it. I had to remind my friend of that today. and as i reminded my friend, i reminded myself.
heartbreak creates strength. i know it. heartbreak turns into beautiful things.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
called out
My mom called me out this morning. She asked if I am honest with myself because my blog is generally upbeat and happy and (recently) I have been really sad and down in the dumps.
Perhaps my excitement and upbeat self is how I hope to feel- not how I actually feel in the moment. So I write about it and think about it and hope that eventually I will be it! I guess its kinda like the secret- I put what I want out into the universe and think about it until it becomes my reality.
Curtis called me out last night. I was telling him what I was doing to make my current situation better. He basically told me that my plans sounded good but there is nothing that will make situation better except time. Dang. He also told me that I need to stop making plans and just be me. Be me in every moment. Be proactive to be me.
After the conversation with Curtis, I wondered how and when he became so wise.
Thanks for calling me out mom and Curtis.
Perhaps my excitement and upbeat self is how I hope to feel- not how I actually feel in the moment. So I write about it and think about it and hope that eventually I will be it! I guess its kinda like the secret- I put what I want out into the universe and think about it until it becomes my reality.
Curtis called me out last night. I was telling him what I was doing to make my current situation better. He basically told me that my plans sounded good but there is nothing that will make situation better except time. Dang. He also told me that I need to stop making plans and just be me. Be me in every moment. Be proactive to be me.
After the conversation with Curtis, I wondered how and when he became so wise.
Thanks for calling me out mom and Curtis.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
lbs
I stepped on the scale yesterday and I am 10 lbs lighter than I was last year! YAY! 10 whole pounds. Then I stepped on the same scale this morning- just to make sure it was right and I was 5 lbs lighter than I was last year. Weird. How did I gain 5 lbs in 24 hours?!
There is snow outside. Just a little bit- but it sure makes things pretty! Harley likes the snow. The air quality is horrible here. I forgot that air quality changes. In Seattle the air is also so nice and clean. My mom is a saint. Nils is the best man I know. I admire his integrity so much. I played basketball with my dad and Nils last night. Nils won 4 games. I won 3. Dad didn't win- but I reminded him that Nils and I know everything we know because of him. I have woken up several times the last couple nights thinking that I heard my phone ring. I think I was dreaming that Becka was calling. I get to see a lot of friends while Im in town. Ashli is having a baby shower tomorrow so I get to see some college peeps. The hs friends are having our annual Christmas party on the 23rd. Im real excited about that. Im going to lunch with a few peeps too. I better run on the treadmill downstairs because of all the food I'll be consuming. I saw my grandparents yesterday. They told me over and over that they love me. I love grandparents. Connie McBride is at our house right now. Connie is my moms best friend. Everyone deserves a friend like Connie. Her son just became a lawyer in California and spends a good amount of time helping homeless people. There are good people everywhere.
There is snow outside. Just a little bit- but it sure makes things pretty! Harley likes the snow. The air quality is horrible here. I forgot that air quality changes. In Seattle the air is also so nice and clean. My mom is a saint. Nils is the best man I know. I admire his integrity so much. I played basketball with my dad and Nils last night. Nils won 4 games. I won 3. Dad didn't win- but I reminded him that Nils and I know everything we know because of him. I have woken up several times the last couple nights thinking that I heard my phone ring. I think I was dreaming that Becka was calling. I get to see a lot of friends while Im in town. Ashli is having a baby shower tomorrow so I get to see some college peeps. The hs friends are having our annual Christmas party on the 23rd. Im real excited about that. Im going to lunch with a few peeps too. I better run on the treadmill downstairs because of all the food I'll be consuming. I saw my grandparents yesterday. They told me over and over that they love me. I love grandparents. Connie McBride is at our house right now. Connie is my moms best friend. Everyone deserves a friend like Connie. Her son just became a lawyer in California and spends a good amount of time helping homeless people. There are good people everywhere.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Facebook is annoying! I love it and am thankful for it and am on it multiple times a day- but it is annoying. Perhaps I should take a break.
Facebook is one of the reasons I have had a hard time living in the moment. If I post a certain something on Facebook maybe someone will have a thought about me that I don't like. Maybe if I post something else, someone will know I am thinking about them. But since I want to be coy, I have to be somewhat secretive. Facebook is annoying because you can see what other people post on other peoples walls. You can see that people are making plans to go to concerts and having play dates- and Facebook hurts feelings because you used to be included in those concerts and play dates.
Facebook makes work and flirting easier. But it also makes it so people don't have to pick up the phone and talk to their friends and family to say, "hey, I thinking about you." I went to my 10 yr high school reunion last year and I didn't have to talk to everyone I talked to because I already knew what they've been up to because of Facebook.
I talked to some of my family about this today and it think it was decided that people who are married and/or are in relationships experience Facebook a little differently than single people. I think that might be right.
Facebook is a funny thing. Today it pulled a few heart strings. It has pulled at the heart strings every time I've logged in for the last while. But I keep doing it. Ha.
Aside from my moments on Facebook, I did a good job being in the moment today. Im getting excited about this new chapter of Chelsea.
Facebook is one of the reasons I have had a hard time living in the moment. If I post a certain something on Facebook maybe someone will have a thought about me that I don't like. Maybe if I post something else, someone will know I am thinking about them. But since I want to be coy, I have to be somewhat secretive. Facebook is annoying because you can see what other people post on other peoples walls. You can see that people are making plans to go to concerts and having play dates- and Facebook hurts feelings because you used to be included in those concerts and play dates.
Facebook makes work and flirting easier. But it also makes it so people don't have to pick up the phone and talk to their friends and family to say, "hey, I thinking about you." I went to my 10 yr high school reunion last year and I didn't have to talk to everyone I talked to because I already knew what they've been up to because of Facebook.
I talked to some of my family about this today and it think it was decided that people who are married and/or are in relationships experience Facebook a little differently than single people. I think that might be right.
Facebook is a funny thing. Today it pulled a few heart strings. It has pulled at the heart strings every time I've logged in for the last while. But I keep doing it. Ha.
Aside from my moments on Facebook, I did a good job being in the moment today. Im getting excited about this new chapter of Chelsea.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
blessed
Right this second I feel so happy and so extremely blessed- but there is something missing. Becka is missing. Love is missing. But I feel happy and blessed. I got home today- to my parents home and it is soo pretty inside. It looks and smells and tastes like Christmas. And it sounds like Christmas. This place is my little slice of heaven on earth.
I think my mom is a Christmas elf!
I had 12 hours (in addition to the last couple weeks-even months) to have an out loud (and sometimes quiet) conversation with myself. It seems my thoughts are so clear and then they become cloudy- its an annoying cycle but with every moment that passes it seems like the up and down is consistently making things make more sense.
Ive said this before but I feel like I am a teenager. I am learning about my sexuality and becoming comfortable with myself. Annnnnd I'm 28. Embarrassing. But whatever. My late self acceptance combined with my religious confusion combined with everyday life has contributed in creating Chelsea Nelson as we know her today. Its actually quite comical to think of the times I have explained myself as a laid back, easy going person. In the last couple years I have been anything but laid back and easy going. I have been so in my head, so concerned with reasons for everything and have tried so hard to find out the answers of life that only time and experience can answer. I have realized that living for the future instead of the present has been a huge problem for me.
Projection comes with living for the future- which certainly caused a lot of issues with Becka. Instead of enjoying her and our relationship I got in a crazy habit of wanting to know what it would be like when/if we got married and what it would be like if/when we had a baby. I worried so much! I worried about things that I wasn't sure would even happen- like who would go to Mexico if we decided to have a destination wedding?! Can you believe it?! So stupid! I worried about what family and friends would think when they opened a wedding announcement. I made it up in my mind that there would be negative judgement which completely stressed me out and pushed me away. I worried so much about stuff that DIDN'T MATTER! - I had a real hard time enjoying the day to day moments- which is heart breaking because there were so many good moments.
It has been suggested to me that I subconsciously ruined my relationship with Becka because I couldn't handle all of the stress (that I created) regarding the future. I hate that.
So- here I am- aware of some of my baggage and so ready to take it on. I can't handle living this way. I want to live in the moment and accept the love that is around me. Not only from my person but from every moment and every situation.
I don't know what is going to happen in my life but I do know I am starting a new chapter. And the new chapter is because I am making a valiant effort to make corrections and do work on myself so fear of the unknown doesn't rule my life. I want love and hope and happiness to rule my life. Time to get back to that fun-loving, happy woman that I know is inside of me! She is suffocating in there.
I think my mom is a Christmas elf!
I had 12 hours (in addition to the last couple weeks-even months) to have an out loud (and sometimes quiet) conversation with myself. It seems my thoughts are so clear and then they become cloudy- its an annoying cycle but with every moment that passes it seems like the up and down is consistently making things make more sense.
Ive said this before but I feel like I am a teenager. I am learning about my sexuality and becoming comfortable with myself. Annnnnd I'm 28. Embarrassing. But whatever. My late self acceptance combined with my religious confusion combined with everyday life has contributed in creating Chelsea Nelson as we know her today. Its actually quite comical to think of the times I have explained myself as a laid back, easy going person. In the last couple years I have been anything but laid back and easy going. I have been so in my head, so concerned with reasons for everything and have tried so hard to find out the answers of life that only time and experience can answer. I have realized that living for the future instead of the present has been a huge problem for me.
Projection comes with living for the future- which certainly caused a lot of issues with Becka. Instead of enjoying her and our relationship I got in a crazy habit of wanting to know what it would be like when/if we got married and what it would be like if/when we had a baby. I worried so much! I worried about things that I wasn't sure would even happen- like who would go to Mexico if we decided to have a destination wedding?! Can you believe it?! So stupid! I worried about what family and friends would think when they opened a wedding announcement. I made it up in my mind that there would be negative judgement which completely stressed me out and pushed me away. I worried so much about stuff that DIDN'T MATTER! - I had a real hard time enjoying the day to day moments- which is heart breaking because there were so many good moments.
It has been suggested to me that I subconsciously ruined my relationship with Becka because I couldn't handle all of the stress (that I created) regarding the future. I hate that.
So- here I am- aware of some of my baggage and so ready to take it on. I can't handle living this way. I want to live in the moment and accept the love that is around me. Not only from my person but from every moment and every situation.
I don't know what is going to happen in my life but I do know I am starting a new chapter. And the new chapter is because I am making a valiant effort to make corrections and do work on myself so fear of the unknown doesn't rule my life. I want love and hope and happiness to rule my life. Time to get back to that fun-loving, happy woman that I know is inside of me! She is suffocating in there.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
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