This entry might come to a surprise to some and no surprise to others. I feel nervous sitting here at my computer but am excited to finally get this out.
I am a lesbian. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am an aunt. I am so many different things-including a lesbian.
National Coming Out Day was a few days ago. I know a few people that came out on that day. Coming out is scary but it also gives freedom! Refering to a few posts ago, this is my truth that my aunt was referring to and accepting it is setting me free!
I currently live in Washington and everyone I have met there knows that I am a lesbian. I used to live in Logan, UT. I never came out in Logan…I was too scared. People speculated and I usually denied it. When I lived in Logan I went back and forth (back and forth with my sexual orientation to the LDS church) not knowing what I should do. I didn’t feel peace. To say the least, I had a lot of self hatred. I contemplated ending my life on several occasions. I tried my hardest to stay busy so I couldn’t/wouldn't wallow in my sadness and confusion.
Well, that has ended. I have accepted it and I am learning to love it-or, in other words, to love me.
I have told a few people of my decision to accept who I am and there are so many questions that have been asked. I will try and address some of those now…
How long have I known? My entire life. Ever since I was a little girl I’ve known. I didn’t recognize it for what it was until after I graduated high school. Or maybe I just didn’t want to recognize it until then but I’ve always felt different.
When I went to college I was committed to be a strong member of the Church of Jesus Christ and for the most part, I was. I even had mission papers at one point. But during those experiences I wasn’t content. I was depressed. I still had moments where I thought death would be better than living. But I continued going to church, saying my prayers, preparing to go on a mission-I tried to do everything right but I didn’t feel right. I felt (by exact definition) crazy because even though I tried so hard, and maybe even appeared to be, the mormon poster child, I never felt the things that were promised in the scriptures. I never felt good. When I decided to go away from the church for moments at a time, I began to feel like a human. I didn’t feel so alienated. I began to feel peace. It all seemed backwards. It still seems backwards to me.
I still believe in the church-which confuses people more than anything else. I love the church! I have a testimony in Jesus Christ! I know God lives and I know He loves me. That knowledge made it easier for me to come to my conclusion to accept myself and stop fighting. I know that He understands what I’ve had to go through more than I even understand. I am thankful that He is my judge. Knowing that makes me feel okay.
I don’t try and make excuses, like some people like to argue. I don’t try to justify my actions. I just say things the way I see them-the way I feel.
I want to get married and have kids! I love kids more than I love anything in the world and someday I want to have my own little ones! Most of my good friends have had babies the last couple years and I have spent hours curled up in my room sobbing because I wasn’t sure I’d have the same opportunity-because of my sexuality. Each time I heard of a friend who was expecting a baby I became so excited for them but self hatred surfaced. I wondered why I couldn't rid myself of my feelings so I could make my dream come true of having a family. Luckily, I have realized that my dream can come true. During the last year I have met people in same sex relationships who have kids! Someday that will be me! I will be a mom!
Having kids is the thing I look forward to more than anything else in my life. My greatest fear is not having those future kids loved and accepted by family and friends. I guess we’ll see what happens-it is at least a couple years down the road but when it comes, I hope that they are loved the same way they would be if I were in a heterosexual relationship!
If I had pages and pages to write on I still couldn’t explain the things I have had to go through throughout my life to come to the conclusion to come out and be proud that I am a lesbian. There is so much that goes in to it. I guess I should let my readers know that I am open to talk. If you have questions, let me know!
Moving on.
I have been in love before but never felt comfortable telling anyone. Instead of announcing to the world that I felt on top of the world because of this love, I hid it and told only myself and every now and again my journal. I was afraid to tell my journal a lot of times-wondering who would find it and read it. I have had heartbreak. Ending a relationship-not because the relationship wasn't good-but because confusion about the gospel and self identity. A beautiful, or a potential beautiful relationship ended-not because of a lack of love or because it was evil or anything like that. It ended because I and/or my girlfriend wasn't comfortable... and when it ended I was left heartbroken without having anyone to talk to. Dealing with all of that alone has been hell. I went to bishops and counselors but talked to people who didn’t know me. I was telling these life issues to strangers-oh, it was a lonely time! I wanted support! And when people who I thought were my friends, and who I thought would offer bits of understanding heard that I was living a lesbian lifestyle, starting sending emails and making phone calls to others mocking and ridiculing me. I was told that it would be better if I were to die than be gay. I was told I couldn't be in contact with certain people anymore...I lost a lot of friends.
I didn’t attend church for awhile after that and I stopped going because of the bitterness I had toward its members-the very people who said these awful things to me. Stupid, I know. I realize that the gospel is perfect-not the people. But that is what I needed to stop going.
Wow! I realize I could write novels about the church topic but I will stop. So much goes into it.
There is so much more about my story-just like anybodys story who is my age. My self discovery story began in elementry school but becoming fully comfortable with my self discovery story started a few months ago. All of the details are impossilbe to remember and a lot of them are too sad or too personal to share. This post is only a start but at least it is a start. A very very small start.
I will end by saying I am proud to be me! I like me! I believe in me. There are a lot of things I wish I could change about myself and the world that I live in-I live with little regret (I wish that I was free from all regret) but when I look in the mirror I like what I see. The regret that I have is not loving myself throughout my battle. I regret hurting the most important person in the world to me because I wasn't able to extend open arms to myself. That is all different-that has all changed. I will say it again and again. I like me. I believe in me and I am proud to be me!
To the readers of my blog-whether you are friends, family or strangers, open your hearts to things that are different. Don't agree if you can't agree but show love and compassion to things that are different!
The sun went home to Utah with me and I've spent a lot of time with that sun. I love it! I love it for a lot of reasons and that sun started my sun collection-which I didn't realize until a few years ago.
I got this sun in Hawaii! I feel like it smiles at me most of the time.
Tonight I did something with my family that I don't ever remember doing with them. My dad insisted that we've done it before but I can't remember...
When I was making my tin foil dinner I reached to get some red peppers when Tolman said, "chel!" I didn't respond to him so he said it again. "CHEL!" I turned and looked at him and asked what he needed. He said, "I just want to tell you that I love you." I got teary and continued making my tin foil dinner. I love that boy!
