The girl in the mirror

This morning as I was brushing my teeth for the second time (first is right when I got up, second is before I got in the shower) I was looking in the mirror and the strangest thing happened. I started talking to the person I saw. I talked to her. Cried to her. Laughed to her. I had a full on conversation that lasted nearly 25 minutes with the person in the mirror.

It was kind of fun talking to the girl in the mirror. She is kinda funny and kinda strange. She likes to make faces and do weird things with her mouth.

The girl I saw reminded me of a few things. She reminded me that I am special and loved. She reminded me that the most important thing I can do is be my own best friend. She comforted me and told me I am wonderful!

Thanks girl in the mirror! I was feeling low. You helped me feel better.

Tol

Since my blog has been nothing but craziness the last while, I feel (most) people have neglected to take part in something quite hilarious!

Who would have thought

Did you know you can die from a broken heart?
I read it in the news paper today and also read it when I went to Body World (refer to blog if you don't know what Body World is).

We need to try and take care of people a little better than we do. Let's not break hearts.

Once again, MY MOM

It has been passed around that my mom is having a hard time. I have heard it, not from her, but from my other family members and a few friends. She is having a hard time with the news that I publicized a few days ago...It wasn't the first time she had heard that I am gay but I think it became more real once I posted it on my blog for everyone to read.

I'm not a mom so I can't fully understand but I have an idea of the things that she is feeling. She feels like a bad mom, like she could have and should have done something different so I would be different.

My mom is worlds best mom! I could write novels about the positive influence she has been in my life.

Never in my life have I met anyone who is as giving and loving as my mom. We grew up with friends, family and strangers coming to our house for dinner because my mom found out they didn't have a place to go. It wasn't an unusual thing for my mom to make more food then would feed my family because she didn't know who would be coming over to eat.

I can't remember ever getting in trouble when I was a kid except for when I was mean to Annie Bateman. I told Annie to shutup in 2nd grade and somehow my mom found out. She was upset with me. She helped me understand that I hated it when people were mean to me so I better not be mean to other kids-even if they were mean to me first.

My mom worked 2, 3, 4 jobs at a time to allow me and my siblings to do what we wanted to do (I can't actually remember the number of jobs, I just know that she seemed to always be working. Paper routes, piano teacher, Kopper Kard, Nordstrom and of course, being my mom). It didn't seem she had much time for herself. It didn't seem that way because it wasn't that way.

My dad was sick during my childhood-during my entire life actually. It seemed he spent a lot of time at the hospital or in bed. Looking back it seemed he had bandages on his arms most of the time because of the treatments he had to go through. I always thought my dad was going to die because a lady who lived up the street died of cancer and I knew my dad had cancer so I thought the result would be the same. I really clung to my dad afraid he wouldnt be around much longer but I relied on my mom for survival.

During early elementary school was a hard time for me. I was a major tom boy-which is a perfect thing to be if you want to be made fun daily. When the final bell rang I would run all the way home just to avoid the name calling and sometimes object throwing. When I got to my house I was sometimes in tears and would run in my room and cover my head with my covers. One particular day my mom had enough. She was tired of seeing her baby girl in so much pain.

She scooped me up in her arms and told me that we could go to the store and purchase dresses and dolls so I could be like the other girls OR I could start loving myself and not care about how the other kids treated me. She told me that if I loved myself and started being me, I would someday be respected for it. That lesson has been ringing in my ears since-particularly lately.

Another time during elementary school years, I was at church with my family and I was sitting next to my mom. We sat on the very back row a lot because we were late. One time I remember a man walk in and I turned to my mom and said that he didn't belong in church. I can't remember all the specifics about the man-I just remember he had long hair and was wearing jeans and a leather jacket. My mom grabbed my arm and took me out to the foyer-and explained that every person in the chapel belonged at church-that the man who walked passed us was an important child of God. Then after the meeting we walked to the man and she introduced him to me and I think I even hugged the guy.

I could go on and on about lessons my mom has taught. Before I started high school I went to my mom and asked her for one piece of advice. She advised me to say hi to every single person. She didn't advise me to get good grades or make sure my homework was done. She advised me on something, in my opinion, that is much more important...make sure you're nice to people!

My mom is an all star! She raised me and my siblings with love. She taught by example! I am best friends with my siblings and I attribute that to the way my parents raised me. I feel sad when she is hard on herself. I feel sad that her greatest strength is also her greatest weakness-internalizing the pain of the world and carrying it on her shoulders.

I love you, Mom! And I am so very sorry that I have made you sad and have made you feel like you're a bad mom. That couldn't be further from the truth. You are perfect. You love your children perfectly. I think I am a good person with good standards and morales and those came from you. I am going to continue to do good things in my life-which desire came from you. I feel all of my goodness came from you and all of the things that aren't so good came with me-when I born or perhaps they just developed with time and experience. I don't know-but I do know that you molded me into a good functioning human.

I wish I was home in Utah right now so I could give you a big giant hug. I guess we'll have to wait for Christmas.

My collection

I've never really collected anything. When I was little I remember Josh Stansfield (who carved my name is Rollerblades) collected basketball cards. Taryn collected spoons. My sister collected dolls I think. I have heard my mom say that she has collected junk. But I, up until the last couple years, haven't collected anything (except for maybe some junk here and there).

My itch for traveling started when I learned how to walk. I've always had the desire and the first time I got to leave this country is when I was 16. I went to Peru for a couple weeks on a humanitarian mission. While I was there we visited an underprivledge school and we were all given a gift. I was given an awesome ceramic sun that was made and painted by a student who was 8 at that school.

The sun went home to Utah with me and I've spent a lot of time with that sun. I love it! I love it for a lot of reasons and that sun started my sun collection-which I didn't realize until a few years ago.

Suns are my symbol. If I were to ever get something tattooed on my body, it would be a sun. As I have thought more about the sun, there isn't anything else I would want to pattern my life after. The sun provides light and warmth and gives the opportunity of life. Since I have been in Washington I have heard about seasonal depression-an actual condition people experience because they don't see the sun.

This sun came from Peach Days. I got this sun in Hawaii! I feel like it smiles at me most of the time.

It is proven that the sun provides our bodies and minds with nutrients they need. My friends Lenna (90) and Beulah (85), who both live in Logan and who are both heroes of mine, have HUGE gardens-they have both told me about years where the sun didn't come out as often...their gardens didn't produce nearly the amount of food. I went to Denver about a month ago-one of the sunniest places in the United States and it seemed everyone was happy. It was such a different feeling there compared to Washington. People are nice here-but it was so different! When I asked people in Denver about this noticiable difference, they responded the sun was the reason.

I love the sun.

It is surprising to wake up this time of year and see sunshine in Washington but when I woke up this morning sunshine was blaring through the window and happiness was beaming from inside me! Have you ever felt like your insides can smile? That's how I felt this morning.

I will go play in it.

Eat, Pray, Love

If you want a good, motivating and perhaps even life changing book READ THIS ONE!!! I haven't really been able to put it down. It's incredbile!

Friends

I have a lot of good friends but right now I'd like to make a shout out to my friend Lisa!

Nothing is more comforting than the sure knowledge that you are cared for and loved. I mean, imagine going day to day without the reassurance of those special relationships that make life worth living.

It's nice to have people in my life who don't have to understand everything that is going on but who has the time to hear about those things anyways. People who love me regardless of anything-they love me just because I am me. Lisa, you're the best! Love you!!!

Coming Out

This entry might come to a surprise to some and no surprise to others. I feel nervous sitting here at my computer but am excited to finally get this out.

I am a lesbian. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am an aunt. I am so many different things-including a lesbian.

National Coming Out Day was a few days ago. I know a few people that came out on that day. Coming out is scary but it also gives freedom! Refering to a few posts ago, this is my truth that my aunt was referring to and accepting it is setting me free!

I currently live in Washington and everyone I have met there knows that I am a lesbian. I used to live in Logan, UT. I never came out in Logan…I was too scared. People speculated and I usually denied it. When I lived in Logan I went back and forth (back and forth with my sexual orientation to the LDS church) not knowing what I should do. I didn’t feel peace. To say the least, I had a lot of self hatred. I contemplated ending my life on several occasions. I tried my hardest to stay busy so I couldn’t/wouldn't wallow in my sadness and confusion.

Well, that has ended. I have accepted it and I am learning to love it-or, in other words, to love me.

I have told a few people of my decision to accept who I am and there are so many questions that have been asked. I will try and address some of those now…

How long have I known? My entire life. Ever since I was a little girl I’ve known. I didn’t recognize it for what it was until after I graduated high school. Or maybe I just didn’t want to recognize it until then but I’ve always felt different.

When I went to college I was committed to be a strong member of the Church of Jesus Christ and for the most part, I was. I even had mission papers at one point. But during those experiences I wasn’t content. I was depressed. I still had moments where I thought death would be better than living. But I continued going to church, saying my prayers, preparing to go on a mission-I tried to do everything right but I didn’t feel right. I felt (by exact definition) crazy because even though I tried so hard, and maybe even appeared to be, the mormon poster child, I never felt the things that were promised in the scriptures. I never felt good. When I decided to go away from the church for moments at a time, I began to feel like a human. I didn’t feel so alienated. I began to feel peace. It all seemed backwards. It still seems backwards to me.

I still believe in the church-which confuses people more than anything else. I love the church! I have a testimony in Jesus Christ! I know God lives and I know He loves me. That knowledge made it easier for me to come to my conclusion to accept myself and stop fighting. I know that He understands what I’ve had to go through more than I even understand. I am thankful that He is my judge. Knowing that makes me feel okay.

I don’t try and make excuses, like some people like to argue. I don’t try to justify my actions. I just say things the way I see them-the way I feel.

I want to get married and have kids! I love kids more than I love anything in the world and someday I want to have my own little ones! Most of my good friends have had babies the last couple years and I have spent hours curled up in my room sobbing because I wasn’t sure I’d have the same opportunity-because of my sexuality. Each time I heard of a friend who was expecting a baby I became so excited for them but self hatred surfaced. I wondered why I couldn't rid myself of my feelings so I could make my dream come true of having a family. Luckily, I have realized that my dream can come true. During the last year I have met people in same sex relationships who have kids! Someday that will be me! I will be a mom!

Having kids is the thing I look forward to more than anything else in my life. My greatest fear is not having those future kids loved and accepted by family and friends. I guess we’ll see what happens-it is at least a couple years down the road but when it comes, I hope that they are loved the same way they would be if I were in a heterosexual relationship!

If I had pages and pages to write on I still couldn’t explain the things I have had to go through throughout my life to come to the conclusion to come out and be proud that I am a lesbian. There is so much that goes in to it. I guess I should let my readers know that I am open to talk. If you have questions, let me know!

Moving on.

I have been in love before but never felt comfortable telling anyone. Instead of announcing to the world that I felt on top of the world because of this love, I hid it and told only myself and every now and again my journal. I was afraid to tell my journal a lot of times-wondering who would find it and read it. I have had heartbreak. Ending a relationship-not because the relationship wasn't good-but because confusion about the gospel and self identity. A beautiful, or a potential beautiful relationship ended-not because of a lack of love or because it was evil or anything like that. It ended because I and/or my girlfriend wasn't comfortable... and when it ended I was left heartbroken without having anyone to talk to. Dealing with all of that alone has been hell. I went to bishops and counselors but talked to people who didn’t know me. I was telling these life issues to strangers-oh, it was a lonely time! I wanted support! And when people who I thought were my friends, and who I thought would offer bits of understanding heard that I was living a lesbian lifestyle, starting sending emails and making phone calls to others mocking and ridiculing me. I was told that it would be better if I were to die than be gay. I was told I couldn't be in contact with certain people anymore...I lost a lot of friends.

I didn’t attend church for awhile after that and I stopped going because of the bitterness I had toward its members-the very people who said these awful things to me. Stupid, I know. I realize that the gospel is perfect-not the people. But that is what I needed to stop going.

Wow! I realize I could write novels about the church topic but I will stop. So much goes into it.

There is so much more about my story-just like anybodys story who is my age. My self discovery story began in elementry school but becoming fully comfortable with my self discovery story started a few months ago. All of the details are impossilbe to remember and a lot of them are too sad or too personal to share. This post is only a start but at least it is a start. A very very small start.

I will end by saying I am proud to be me! I like me! I believe in me. There are a lot of things I wish I could change about myself and the world that I live in-I live with little regret (I wish that I was free from all regret) but when I look in the mirror I like what I see. The regret that I have is not loving myself throughout my battle. I regret hurting the most important person in the world to me because I wasn't able to extend open arms to myself. That is all different-that has all changed. I will say it again and again. I like me. I believe in me and I am proud to be me!

To the readers of my blog-whether you are friends, family or strangers, open your hearts to things that are different. Don't agree if you can't agree but show love and compassion to things that are different!

hahahahaha!

I am wondering how he knows this entire song! I can't stop laughing!

(I realize that most of this video is sideways but I was driving so give me a break!)

Date night consisted of horse ride, train ride, Carls Jr., singing songs, and eating treats!

The Canyon

Tonight I did something with my family that I don't ever remember doing with them. My dad insisted that we've done it before but I can't remember...

We went up Milcreek Canyon, made a fire and cooked dinner! It was so fun being up there with my family. Anyone who knows me well knows that I LOVE being in the mountains. I have spent so much time up there and it truly is the place I feel like me. My mind seems to think clearer, my heart seems to be more grateful, my eyes see beautiful things...I just feel...there is really no word I can think of- I just love it!

Tonight was special to me. Tolman and Addi were there and I got to take them down to the river and tell them that I loved them and taught them a little bit about the trees that were around us. We sat on a rock, threw rocks in the stream and sang, Twinkle Twinkle while looking at the stars. Tolman asked me to sing it a few times. In the middle of the song he grabbed my hand and said he wanted me to stay with him. I stopped singing for a minute to respond but when I stopped he said he wanted me to keep singing. He is so sweet! When I was making my tin foil dinner I reached to get some red peppers when Tolman said, "chel!" I didn't respond to him so he said it again. "CHEL!" I turned and looked at him and asked what he needed. He said, "I just want to tell you that I love you." I got teary and continued making my tin foil dinner. I love that boy!

When I am in the mountains I know for certain that God is real and that I am loved. I feel that He made the mountains just for me! I always love going to the mountains but being there with my family was extra special and I knew more than ever before that I am loved! I have so much to be thankful for!

FAMILY! Here I come!

I don't think this could have come at a better time. I get to go see my family for a couple days in a couple days. WOOOHOOOO!!!!

I have been missing my family a lot. Yesterday I talked to Jame and Tol on the phone and just cried. My emotions have been running a little crazy lately and hearing their voices made me SOO happy that I couldn't hold back the tears.

The last week or so I have been pretty good playing "I am thankful for...." game. I love playing the game because it reminds me how much I have to be thankful for. My family is always on the list of things I am thankful for!

I know a lot of good familes but never ever would I change the family that I have. My parents are great and my siblings are my best friends. I admire them, I adore them and have so much fun while I'm with them. Soo glad I get to see you later on THIS WEEK! WOOHOOO!

Me again

Hi blog. It seems the only thing that is constantly there in my life these days is my blog. I can talk to it. Scream at it. Laugh at it. Cry at it. I can do whatever I want to my blog and it is always there. Lately I have ran to it. Not because anything bad or good or anything else has been happening. It is just comforting to know that I have something consistent in my life.

Lets talk about consistency. Its hard. Its boring sometimes. But man oh man... it is sooo good! Its hard to be consistent though. Hard to eat right, to exercise, to write on my blog, to stay on the bright side of things, to keep in touch with old friends...you get what I'm trying to say (of corse you do, you're my blog), it's just hard to be consistent.

I have had a few responses from my last post about being tired. It seems the conscensous is that I am either pregnant or life has just kicked me in the butt. There is no way I am pregnant (I wish! I soo would love to have a baby!) so I have concluded that life is just crazy right now. I will have you know though, I am okay. I am happy. I am learning things about myself that I've never known. Its amazing to seperate yourself from everything you've ever known and see who you are, what you do, and who you are...its been interesting to me anyway.

Life is certainly a journey. It isn't a journey of discoverying yourself but a journey of creating yourself. I will keep on creating.

Thanks again blog for listening. I love you.