Trying to get comfortable

This is my first time ever living alone. I came from a family with 5 kids (who are all similar in a lot of ways...One being we are NOT quiet people). Then I went to college and always lived with at least 3 other people-but generally more than that. Then I lived with just Jamie but it wasn't too quiet because we got 2 dogs... So this living alone thing is hard. I am trying to get used to it.

I just turned off the TV. Listening to the silence is kind of an uncomfortable feeling. I remember when I lived at home-with my mom and and dad and four siblings...there were times when all I wanted was quiet. It's weird how things change.

I don't like watching TV but I turn it on to fill the silence. I'm not used to having silence at home I'm used to conversations with my family, or roommates or Jamie. Or my puppies. I talked to them all the time. In fact, those two have heard the core feelings of my heart more than anyone or anything else.

Right now it is the ticking clock that muffles the silence. It's weird. I wish it was my own voice talking to my pups. Or talking to anyone. It's not. It's that annoying ticking clock.

There must be something to silence. I have read about religious practises that encourage a certain number of hours a day be spent in silence. It has something to do with self mastery. I like the idea but not comfortable with the silence.

I don't mind silence when I am with someone. Like when I am watching a movie with a friend or something. When I'm in a car with someone I don't even mind silence. I feel like I am in good company when I can be with someone and be comfortable with it. But silence when I'm by myself has been a hard thing for me since I've been in Washington. And I don't quite understand why.

When I was 19 I went to Europe for 2 months. I went by myself which was (by the exact definition of the word) awesome! I took a backpack, some clothes, a journal, and my Book of Mormon. I learned things about myself that I never knew and that I could never explain. I changed. I don't know if anyone could visibly see my change but I didn't care because I felt it. My trip to Europe was the first time I didn't have anything to hide behind. I was stuck with me. I couldn't hide from my reality behind things to do at home. I couldn't cook or clean or talk to a family member or roommate. I couldn't get on the computer or call somebody. Heck, I couldn't even send a text. I was stuck with myself. Stuck with my thoughts-my plans, my ideas to get on trains having no idea where they were going and purposely falling asleep to wake up having (literally) no idea where in the world I was, to find my next adventure-and then actually doing it. I couldn't blame outcomes of decisions on anyone else. It was just me. And I learned to like it. I learned to like me. I had full on conversations with myself and told myself I loved me. Out loud. I had a certain confidence that was beautiful and world changing. Even if it was only my world that it changed.

So maybe there are similarities with that time in my life and now. I neglected to mention that the first 8 days while I was in Europe I absolutely hated it. I was home sick and scared and didn't understand why people were so mean to me (I later learned that it was because of the American Flag I had on my backpack. If you ever backpack across Europe, I suggest putting a Canadian Flag on your bag instead). I felt scared-scared mainly that 19 year old Chelsea Nelson was not up for the challenge. That big bad Europe was going to get me. Somehow that changed rather quickly and I knew I was going to have the time of my life. And I did.

(Although I am loving my experience in Washington) I am currently scared. I'm not scared of big bad Europe. I am scared of the big bad world. I'm not on a 2 month backpacking trip with a flight taking me home at the end of it. I am on this adventure indefinitely and I am alone. Yes, there are great people around me and I have made good friends but I'm alone. I come home to nobody at the end of the day. I tell my journal the deepest feelings of my heart and my blog some of the other feelings. I rely on my mirror and the sun in the sky to offer the support and encouragement I need and keep trekking along and so far they have done a good job.

Oh man. I realize that when I start writing about certain feelings I have to write novels to explain a single, simple (yet very, very complex) thought. Thank goodness there is a day that will follow this night so I can continue.

Let me end by saying that you don't have to travel to another country or even another state to find the most foreign of things. Sometimes you can look next door. Or what's even more strange, you can look within yourself.