I'm NOT HAPPY

So, I went to Texas last week which was AMAZING!!! I was there for work and had a few days of nothing but motivational awesomeness. I work for a wonderful company with fantastic people who share a desire to do good things.

I get home Sunday night and open my computer and it isn't working. Hmm. Turn it off and back on thinking that might fix the problem. It doesn't. After a minute I learn my hard drive has crashed-which is crazy because I used it just a few hours earlier in Texas.

I take my computer in and get it back. They told me that every now and again the x ray machines at the airport will fry the hard drive. Bummer. But I got it back and it worked. Woohoo! I have my livelihood back. Literally. I can't work without my computer.

But I go through my files, and realize EVERYTHING is gone. All my pictures. My journal entries for the past 3 years. All the work stuff and replaceable items will be time consuming to put back on there but there are things I will never get back. I am so sad about it. The tears are still coming.

So, if you have pictures that I might want, please send them my way.
cxnelson@ailife.com or chelbel314@hotmail.com or chelbel314@yahoo.com

I hate computers.

Today

Today is an amazing day and I am proud. I am proud to be an American.

Trying to get comfortable

This is my first time ever living alone. I came from a family with 5 kids (who are all similar in a lot of ways...One being we are NOT quiet people). Then I went to college and always lived with at least 3 other people-but generally more than that. Then I lived with just Jamie but it wasn't too quiet because we got 2 dogs... So this living alone thing is hard. I am trying to get used to it.

I just turned off the TV. Listening to the silence is kind of an uncomfortable feeling. I remember when I lived at home-with my mom and and dad and four siblings...there were times when all I wanted was quiet. It's weird how things change.

I don't like watching TV but I turn it on to fill the silence. I'm not used to having silence at home I'm used to conversations with my family, or roommates or Jamie. Or my puppies. I talked to them all the time. In fact, those two have heard the core feelings of my heart more than anyone or anything else.

Right now it is the ticking clock that muffles the silence. It's weird. I wish it was my own voice talking to my pups. Or talking to anyone. It's not. It's that annoying ticking clock.

There must be something to silence. I have read about religious practises that encourage a certain number of hours a day be spent in silence. It has something to do with self mastery. I like the idea but not comfortable with the silence.

I don't mind silence when I am with someone. Like when I am watching a movie with a friend or something. When I'm in a car with someone I don't even mind silence. I feel like I am in good company when I can be with someone and be comfortable with it. But silence when I'm by myself has been a hard thing for me since I've been in Washington. And I don't quite understand why.

When I was 19 I went to Europe for 2 months. I went by myself which was (by the exact definition of the word) awesome! I took a backpack, some clothes, a journal, and my Book of Mormon. I learned things about myself that I never knew and that I could never explain. I changed. I don't know if anyone could visibly see my change but I didn't care because I felt it. My trip to Europe was the first time I didn't have anything to hide behind. I was stuck with me. I couldn't hide from my reality behind things to do at home. I couldn't cook or clean or talk to a family member or roommate. I couldn't get on the computer or call somebody. Heck, I couldn't even send a text. I was stuck with myself. Stuck with my thoughts-my plans, my ideas to get on trains having no idea where they were going and purposely falling asleep to wake up having (literally) no idea where in the world I was, to find my next adventure-and then actually doing it. I couldn't blame outcomes of decisions on anyone else. It was just me. And I learned to like it. I learned to like me. I had full on conversations with myself and told myself I loved me. Out loud. I had a certain confidence that was beautiful and world changing. Even if it was only my world that it changed.

So maybe there are similarities with that time in my life and now. I neglected to mention that the first 8 days while I was in Europe I absolutely hated it. I was home sick and scared and didn't understand why people were so mean to me (I later learned that it was because of the American Flag I had on my backpack. If you ever backpack across Europe, I suggest putting a Canadian Flag on your bag instead). I felt scared-scared mainly that 19 year old Chelsea Nelson was not up for the challenge. That big bad Europe was going to get me. Somehow that changed rather quickly and I knew I was going to have the time of my life. And I did.

(Although I am loving my experience in Washington) I am currently scared. I'm not scared of big bad Europe. I am scared of the big bad world. I'm not on a 2 month backpacking trip with a flight taking me home at the end of it. I am on this adventure indefinitely and I am alone. Yes, there are great people around me and I have made good friends but I'm alone. I come home to nobody at the end of the day. I tell my journal the deepest feelings of my heart and my blog some of the other feelings. I rely on my mirror and the sun in the sky to offer the support and encouragement I need and keep trekking along and so far they have done a good job.

Oh man. I realize that when I start writing about certain feelings I have to write novels to explain a single, simple (yet very, very complex) thought. Thank goodness there is a day that will follow this night so I can continue.

Let me end by saying that you don't have to travel to another country or even another state to find the most foreign of things. Sometimes you can look next door. Or what's even more strange, you can look within yourself.

Singing Songs

I'm in bed. I hear Paul singing songs downstairs and it's 1:30 in the morning. He is singing songs about Jesus.

Paul is the guy who lives in the basement apartment in the house I live in-he lives right below me. I hear him sometimes but tonight I hear him really well because he gets so excited when he sings about Jesus...and since it's 1:30am there aren't other noises muffling his mad musical skills. Paul is the guy who lost his wife to cancer a few weeks ago. He is also one of the best most optimistic people I have ever met. I feel like goodness radiates from him.

I went to dinner with Leah and Miska tonight. They are friends that I met nearly a year ago but I have only seen them a few times. It was kinda random how we met-and really random that we have stayed in touch but I am so glad that we have because goodness radiates from them too.

(I have learned that a lot of the things I write about in my blog are really the same kind of thoughts-just dragged out using different stories...)

I am in bed glad that there are good people everywhere. There is a good guy who lives in my basement. There are two good girls who live a little South of the airport. There are good people who live on Bluerise Ave (maybe the best people live there...that is where my parentals live). There are good people who live in Logan, UT. Come to think about it, there is a good person sitting on my bed right now.

Too much focus on bad. Let good take over! There is goodness all around.

Rain

Today I was doing my laundry. My washer and dryer are located in my garage. So as I'm putting my clothes in the dryer from the washer I hear rain pounding on the ground outside. I drop my clothes, run inside, throw my jacket on and head out to play in it.

I ran in the rain. I ran and ran until I stopped and fell on my knees with my arms stretched out to my sides. I was in the middle of a golf course that is close to my house...I was alone in the rain on this golf course getting poured on. And I loved it.

I laughed and I cried and I fell in love with the rain. It felt good. I just stood in one place with my head toward they sky. I couldn't tell the difference between the rain drops and my own tears. I felt like a human. I love moments where I feel nothing except for being real. Feelings so intense that it was like I could burst. Feelings mostly of gratitude.

This world is spectacular and I am so glad to be a part of it.

I find wonderment and excitement in the simplest of things. Part of the reason is a year ago from now I seriously contemplated ending my life. For some reason my eyes couldn't see the beauty of the world or the beauty in myself or the beauty in anything. I only saw darkness and only knew fear.

I am glad that awful state is over.

I have new eyes now-for so many reasons. And I am so thankful. So, so thankful.

And yes, I do love the rain!

Leftovers

It is midnight and I am eating leftovers in bed!

I don't think I have ever had a panic attack or anything of the sort but today I had something that kinda felt like it...it was weird.

So I was thinking about my life a year ago from right now. And there isn't anything that's the same except that I have a wonderful family who loves me. It seems that everything that could change in a person's life has changed for me. Where I live, who I'm with (or not with), my friends, my sexual orientation (that really hasn't changed but a year ago most people thought I was straight), my job, not only my job but the kind of work I do, I had two adorable dogs 12 months ago, a different car, I lived in a small town-now I live in Seattle...change, change, change. I crave something consistent right now.

Perhaps the weirdness that happened today-not sure if I can call it a panic attack because I wasn't worried or anything... was just a few moments of feeling overwhelmed and hoping that a year from now is somewhat similar to how it is now.

My mom said it best when I talked to her today. Change, even good change, is still sometimes so hard because we get comfortable where we are. Change certainly is not comfortable.

The changes that have occurred in my life are good but so much change in so little time...it has been hard to wrap myself around all the changes. I am sitting in bed with leftovers next to me trying to get used to it...

CHANGE

I don't care if you are a fan of Barak Obama or not...he makes a lot of good points.

"Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek."

Doesn't that just make you want to get out there and do good?!

Update

Today I checked my email account that I hardly ever check. And I got 7 emails from people asking that I please not stop writing about my experiences and feelings of coming out. I was happy but surprised that my little blog has helped a few people...so I will continue writing...

I showed my friend Pam (who is also gay) my coming out entry today. After she read it we talked a lot about coming out...but more about how its sad that people who are in the closet aren't able to love who they want-particularly themselves.

I literally thank God everyday that I felt I could tell my family and friends that I'm gay. I only wish it would have happened sooner. I also thank Him that I have the family and friends I do...because they have been super duper supportive. I wish everyone who has come out had the family I have...

Since I have come out I have had a lot of amazing experiences. I have for the first time in my life been able to be fully honest with my family and friends. I have been able to build a stronger and more honest relationship with God. I have visited rooms within myself that I didn't know exsisted. I feel happier. I feel healthier even.

There are things that have been hard though. Some of my friends have told me that I can't be apart of their lives anymore. When I think about those responses, my heart breaks. I am still haunted by past decisions which are hard...I wish everyday that I would have come out sooner. That I would have been honest with my family and friends long before I was. I would have freed myself of so much self hatred...and would have saved some pain that others, particularly the person I was with, felt too.

So, in response to the emails that I read today...in some ways my life hasn't changed at all. I am still the same ol Chel that I have always been. I have a passion for life and love and people. But in other ways...ways that aren't so noticable at the surface-I am completely different. When I look in the mirror I know who and what I am looking at. I feel like a person and I don't have to fight with myself. I feel peace.

I certainly haven't found all the answers but I have stopped looking for them. I have learned that instead of looking for answers I should just live and they will come. And if they don't come, you don't need them. I live and try to be my very best self and do good things. I surround myself with good people and good books and other good things.

I want my life to be associated with goodness. And it can be. So I am happy.

(Had to throw in a picture of my Christmas present because it also makes me real real happy! Thanks Santa!)

2009

My single New Years Resolution is to have 2009 be my best yet. To have eyes to see the good and beautiful things in my life. Days like today make that easy.

There are a few specific things I am going to do this year that will kep my year be the best yet...I am going to learn to play the guitar, write, and make a real effort to stop caring what people think...as long as I am doing my best and being my best, that's all thats important.

2008 was hard. The last couple months may be the hardest of my life...but I'm so excited to move forward! I have a new sense of self and a new found motivation and desire to succeed. I love myself and love that I have been freed of the fear I've been living with for so long. I'm glad I finally feel the peace I've been searching for-the kind of peace that only honesty can bring.

2009 is going to be fabulous! How could it not? Look at my backyard.

The greatest part about my life is I can create with it what I want. And I want to be happy!