Let go

Today was a sad day. But it was also an amazing day!

I have been working on a project at work for a few years and today was a major day. More details to come.

It was sad because I had a realization- with help of a new counselor. I started seeing a new counselor (I'm a total counseling advocate) last week and in 2 visits I have discovered so much.

I have had such a hard time reconciling my gay self and my Mormon self. They are both very much real and very much apart of me. However, the two create so much pain because they can not exist in harmony (yes, I have rejected the idea of living my life alone without love and without then possibility of family).

My mom and dad and possibly siblings were my first love. I have always said that basketball was my second love but let's be honest. My second love was the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. So much of my identity was developed because my love for and participation in the church. It gave me so much hope and guidance and a sence of self. Until I realized i was gay (around age 14).

At that point the church, or my participation/testimony in it left me depressed feeling like I was a mistake. I began trying to 'pray the gay away.' well- 15 years later I think I am finally getting some insight.

I never grieved the loss of one of the truest loves of my life - my participation in the church. I was told by multiple church leaders that I couldn't participate in the church if I participated in my gayness- which to me is the same as saying I cant participate in the church if I participate in being myself and expressing love. And that is so sad! so I stopped going to church and for the longest time I missed it everyday- just as one might miss their first love. But i never grived. So I'm grieving. And it feels good.

I love the church. I really do. I don't love that I cant be apart of it if I choose to express my love to the person I love. So I am choosing to let go. I am trusting that God knows that he is doing, I trust I will be judged correctly and I trust that I will be just fine.I am tired of feeling sad to be me.

I am done not loving completely.
I am excited.