knots or butterflies

I feel a little funny.

I have knots in my stomach. Or maybe they are butterflies. I can't tell.

Today is a BIG day at work. I am nervous and excited about the possibilites of what might happen. And if it doesn't happen today, it is in the process of happening.

Living, not just being alive, is wonderful. and full of so many opportunities if we get up and move in the direction of our dream.

Did you know

that you can die from a broken heart. Read this. and lets take better care of our own hearts and the hearts of people we love.

and when your heart hurts surround it with positive and uplifting things and people.

last night i watched as someone's heart was breaking. she was on my couch as she learned the news. she said she felt like she was going to die. and she wasn't being dramatic. in the moment she thought she was and perhaps a part of her did.

i wanted to tell her things would be okay. i believe they will be. eventually. but they aren't right now. so we just cried together. and played with the dog. and then we started to laugh.

things will be okay. things will be better than okay. things will be happy. life will be happy.

but please, everyone, take better care of the hearts in our lives.

30 Years Ago

my favorite person was born and the world became better and more beautiful.

happy birthday, Becka.

i will go on a motorcycle ride to celebrate.

Summer BBQs

I should be more honest and title this entry "BBQ in the Rain." But I refuse. It is almost July. But it is currently 60 degrees and it looks like there is a tropical rain storm outside of my window.

Last night I had 5 of my favorite people over at my house for a BBQ. We wrapped up in blankets and sat around the small table in the new red chairs I purchased for my deck. It was nice. We laughed a lot but there was some crying too. It was a combination of everything real and everything that creates good and solid relationships. I went to bed with a full heart (and belly) thankful for my people.

I went to PCC for lunch today. PCC is a grocery store with a little market. I got a salad and ate outside (on the covered patio with heat lamps because it was pouring rain). I looked at my salad and felt confused and for a few minutes I was totally lost in my thoughts. I wondered where the tomatos and cucumbers came from. I wondered how much work was done to create my delicious lunch. Then I started looking all around me to see what other people were eating - apples, strawberries, hamburgers etc... it is such a blessing to live in a time where everything is literally at our finger tips. I can go into the store and get anything I want. It's incredible.

I hope I can always be thankful for the little things. But having food is NOT a little thing. It is such a HUGE thing.

I saw Becka over the weekend. It was nice to see her. I will always love her. Always. But things are changing and another door is opening. And I'm glad about that. I saw a lot of other people too because it was PRIDE weekend. It was fun - but now I feel like I could sleep for days. I probably should sleep for days.

I am starting guitar lessons again. And playing basketball, too.

I am thankful for all the opportunities life offers me. And I'm thankful I feel thankful. :)

Work Hard

I love my grandma. I love her for a lot of reasons.

My family has a Thanksgiving tradition. We go around the table and say something we are thankful for. A couple years ago I remember that my grandma said she was thankful for hard work. And then she told us why.

My grandma grew up poor. Her family didn't have a furnace so winter mornings were freezing. Literally. Ice would line the inside of the windows and she would sleep with two of her siblings to help stay warm. They had to use a fire to heat water for bathing and her dad, my great grandpa would bathe first and then her oldest sibling and then the next oldest - until it was her turn. They all used the same water and when it was finally her turn the water was cold.

When my grandma's brother fisnished college and got a job he bought his family a furnance. To this day, despite the diamonds and fancy clothes and worldwide vacations, my grandma says that was the most meaningful gift she has ever recieved.

My grandparents are self made people. They work hard. They have been comfortable throughout their marriage and have been able to help their kids, grandkids, church and community. All because of hard work.

My grandparents are amazing examples to me. They have helped engrain the importance and payoff of hardwork.

Thanks grandma and grandpa. I love you.

Friends

I am thankful for friends. Big time. They show me a good time, love me for me and they help me understand more of my potential.

I am so thankful for the great people in my life!

Xo

Back to Seattle

I'm sitting on an airplane 30,000 feet in the air. People around me are mostly sleeping; a few are reading. Im lost in my thoughts.

I had a great time at home! I love being home. I love Utah. The mountains and the blue sky and the sun... Not to mention my family and friends... I really hope that someday I will go back- for good.

My mom seems to be doing well and I'm thrilled about it! She amazes me with her ability to stay positive even though her situation sucks. I admire her a lot- she is worlds best mom.

I was home for fathers day - which was also Tol's birthday and the anniversary of Ashley's death. It was a great day to be grateful and I surrounded myself with loved ones and beautiful places. Spending a sunny afternoon at Snowbird on such a significant day was incredible! I'm so thankful for my dad and my nephew - and I can hardly believe how much someone can learn by losing someone they love. I think of Ashley daily and am so thankful for the lasting impact she has had on my life.

So- I'm headed back to Seattle - and I'm going with determination and a heart full of love. My heart has been heavy and hurting but I've learned that it can be filled with love and hope at the same time. Sometimes you learn things about yourself that are hard to swallow- but they are motivating and life changing. And sometimes you drift from people you love - people you love and people who have completely changed your life- and its sad. But it is totally necesary because I am creating a heart that has the capacity to love fully. and deeply. And there is someone incredible that is going to get it.

So - determination and hope. I'm determined to continue working hard to find continuous peace in my heart with who I am. I am very hopeful. Annd that makes me happy happy.

And you can count of the fact that I'm going to continue to have a whole lot of fun!!

Photos from Utah

More to come

Everything is amazing and nobody's happy

I watched this for the first time A LONG time ago - but it always seems to come up in conversations. Everything is truly amazing and we aren't happy about it.

Let me list some things that I think are truly amazing:

1. Grocery stores - it is truly amazing that I can go to a grocery store and pick out whatever  I want. The process of getting the food that I eat on to the shelves in mind boggling.

2. Cars. Everything about cars and how they operate and how we can turn on the radio while driving - simply amazing!

3. Cell phones. It is amazing that I can call my family in Utah or Minnesota or Washington DC - or even my friend who lives a couple miles away and have them hear me the same second I say something.

4. Light bulbs. Thomas Edison was a genius. I wish I understood electricity more - but how cool is it that every time I flip a switch, light comes on. Amazing.

5. Love. Love is amazing. It makes people do not normal things.

There is my top 5 list of amazing things. But I forgot to list the internet. The internet is AMAZING. I don't understand how to works but holy moly, it is amazing!

Power of Thought

You know how I mentioned that funny CD series the other day- this is a little blurb from it (yes, I also get daily quotes emailed to me).  Think about it in terms of relationships - or in terms of anything.

I love it.

"My Imagination Attracts All Cooperative Relationships... You have the power to evoke from others the relationships that you desire. But you cannot get to a new-and-improved situation by giving your attention to the current situation. The Universe, and all physical and Non-Physical players in it, is responding to the Vibrations that you are offering; and there is no distinction made between the Vibrations that you offer as you observe, and the Vibrations that you offer as you imagine. . . . If you will simply imagine your life as you want it to be, all cooperative components will be summoned. And even more important, all components that are summoned will cooperate. It is Law. The experience that you have with others is about what you evoke from them."

--- Abraham

Excerpted from the book, The Vortex, Where the Law of Attraction Assembles All Cooperative Relationships # 470

Love him

I could relate

There are certain things that people do to help them stay centered. Becka runs. My mom used to run. Now she gardens. My dad swims. I'm not sure what Jami does- I think it would be hard to do anything when you have 2 kids and 1 on the way- but Jami has a very artistic mind- so I would think she probably does artsy things. Jess exercises. I would say Nils reads the scriptures and Curtis sings - although I'm not positive.

I write.

I have a friend that recently confided in me. This particular person talked about an eating struggle that they have had to deal with for years and years - and this person is really embarrassed by it. This person, who I will call Jane, said she participated in these certain eating habits- even though she knew better and didn't want to. It was almost like she couldn't help herself.

We talked and talked and talked and while she felt like she was the only one who had an issue like this, I could relate.

I've never had an eating problem but in my recent past I have said things that I didn't mean. It was like I couldn't help myself. Would I move to Boston? Or Colorado? Or anywhere else in the world? Yes, yes I would. But I said no. I said no without hesitation. I said that I wouldn't pick up and move again - because I did it just 4 years ago. I said no because at the moment, I was scared of the unknown. But yes, of course I would move - if the situation was right. For love, for work, for a new experience and opportunity - I would totally go! But I said no - and I'm not sure why I did. Speaking of yesterdays post, perhaps I closed a possibly wide open door! But there are other open doors - and more will open.

Staying centered and having my words and actions portray the feelings of my heart and soul is sometimes a struggle. But I long for it. I long for that to be my normal. When I am the person that my soul wants me to be I feel happy and content and good and like I can conquer the world. I feel like I'm on fire.

Writing helps me stay there.

So I will write. A lot.

One door closes, another one opens

I came into work today and overheard a conversation...

"You can't see all of the open doors in your life - or, maybe for you there is just one single open door- but there is still an open door- and you won't be able to see it if you don't stop starring at the closed door." 

I love working where I work- so much wisdom!
I went to my therapy appointment this morning.

Big sigh.

I am thankful for it. Really thankful. I am going at it with a different approach. I don't know why or how- it seems like things have just started to click for me. Over the years I have gone to therapy and it seems the things I talked about were like a script. I talked and talked and talked but not emotionaly involved or invested. I talked about the things that caused me pain like I was telling a friend what I did last weekend. I had a hard time connecting. Not this time. I go. I talk. I connect. I listen. I'm not afraid of quiet moments. I'm not afraid of being vunerable. I feel. I feel a lot. And it feels so good.

There are so many open doors in my life.

Thankful

I'm going to bed thankful tonight.

I'm thankful for my bed and that the sun was out today. Thankful for my cousin and for other good friends. I'm thankful for books and for the people that wrote books. I'm thankful for change and for my new counselor who is challenging me. A lot.

I'm thankful for Harley and for my motorcycle that isn't a Harley.

I'm thankful for education and the ability to learn-learn about anything you want-and I'm thankful for vacations and adventure!

I felt good today. And I get to go home Friday. Rad.

So proud

She graduated with her Master's degree!

Look out world.

Time for everything

Are there times in your life you wish you would have done something different? Maybe said something more- or at times said something less? Perhaps you wish you would have been nicer or sweeter or maybe you wish you would have stuck up for yourself a little more.

I have recently had so many of those feelings. But instead of dwelling I am attempting to be different. I am being more thoughtful in my actions and making my words mean more. I am feeling more- and I'll tell you what- I love feeling- even bad emotions because feelings make me feel alive!

There is certainly a time for everything. But every time is the time to be loving toward the people you love. No matter what.

And with that I will share my sisters family rules :)

Goodnight. xo

Let go

Today was a sad day. But it was also an amazing day!

I have been working on a project at work for a few years and today was a major day. More details to come.

It was sad because I had a realization- with help of a new counselor. I started seeing a new counselor (I'm a total counseling advocate) last week and in 2 visits I have discovered so much.

I have had such a hard time reconciling my gay self and my Mormon self. They are both very much real and very much apart of me. However, the two create so much pain because they can not exist in harmony (yes, I have rejected the idea of living my life alone without love and without then possibility of family).

My mom and dad and possibly siblings were my first love. I have always said that basketball was my second love but let's be honest. My second love was the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. So much of my identity was developed because my love for and participation in the church. It gave me so much hope and guidance and a sence of self. Until I realized i was gay (around age 14).

At that point the church, or my participation/testimony in it left me depressed feeling like I was a mistake. I began trying to 'pray the gay away.' well- 15 years later I think I am finally getting some insight.

I never grieved the loss of one of the truest loves of my life - my participation in the church. I was told by multiple church leaders that I couldn't participate in the church if I participated in my gayness- which to me is the same as saying I cant participate in the church if I participate in being myself and expressing love. And that is so sad! so I stopped going to church and for the longest time I missed it everyday- just as one might miss their first love. But i never grived. So I'm grieving. And it feels good.

I love the church. I really do. I don't love that I cant be apart of it if I choose to express my love to the person I love. So I am choosing to let go. I am trusting that God knows that he is doing, I trust I will be judged correctly and I trust that I will be just fine.I am tired of feeling sad to be me.

I am done not loving completely.
I am excited.

Art

A little art for my wall. And a little motto for my life.

Graduation

A lot of people I know are graduating soon- like in the next week. People, one person in particular, that I love so dang much is graduating with her masters degree this weekend. And I'm so proud. I always love when people further their education to better themselves and the world as we know it.

Have you ever stopped to think of life as a school or university? And the things we spend our time participating in are the classes we are taking and is eventually what we will graduate in? Facebook101 or realitytv400? How about gossip or unhealthy living? Everything we do is part of the school we are attending and the education we are paying for.

I will start to take classes like friends and family and love and forgiveness and adventure and fun and health. I will fill my time with things that will help me graduate with the degrees I desire- and I desire happy. Success. Love. Forgiveness. I want to master those things. And I don't think reality tv will help me.

I doubt I will be at the graduation for any of the important people in my life this weekend but I will continue to work for my own life graduation. Or my daily graduation. Perhaps everyday we get to choose what class we take?? Perhaps we don't have to wait til the end of our lives.

Today I filled my time with love and self forgiveness. And Harley- which is another word for love- and good friends. I spent too much time online because it ended up making me sad
but I also watched NBA which made me happy. I filled my time missing someone and wishing them well and time working and meditating.

I feel like I graduated in something positive today.

Stay Connected

I have a self help CD series in my car. I listen to it when I drive to and from work- and pretty much everywhere when driving alone. When friends are in the car I turn on the radio to avoid possible jokes about how nerdy I am. Because I am pretty nerdy and the CD series pretty much proves it.

Anyway, I was listening to it this morning on my way to church and a lady was talking about why she loved riding her motorcycle. And I felt like I heard myself talking.

There is never a time when I feel more connected. For safety reasons I have to be away of everything around me- the cars, the road, the trees, the smells, the EVERYTHING! I feel like I am a part of everything that is going on around me and I love that.

As I was being nerdy listening to the lady talk on the CD I wished that I could find ways to be as just as connected to every part of my life as I am while riding a motorcycle.

I am working on being connected to each moment.

I wonder what it would be like to be connected to every moment. To not be distracted by the cell phone or things that happened at work or the problems in a current relationship. You can't think of any of that while on a motorcycle. You can't call a friend when you get bored with the silence. You become comfortable with the silence. And you start to like it.

I am thankful for my motorcycle. I am more thankful for the moments I am connected to the moment. Those moments will become more frequent as I use my energy focusing on it.

I have a beautiful life and the best way to enjoy it is living moment by moment.

Yay!