Disease

I have had a lot of good days lately. The kind of days where I wake up and go to bed happy. The kind of happy when you feel like your insides are smiling - the kind of happy that even when bad things happen you still feel it.

Today is NOT one of those days.

Today I am sad. And mad.

Yesterday I got on facebook and saw that a friend posted something about cancer. I could tell, from her post, she was directly impacted by cancer- either her or someone close to her had it. Well - I randomly bumped into that friend last night and it turns out her 32 year old brother was just diagnosed - for the 4th time.

We talked for awhile. She told me that her mom died of cancer and that other people in her family had cancer, too. She said she is sick of cancer coming up in most family conversations. She was understandably upset. And I could relate.

This morning I called my mom. I have been trying to get a hold of her for a couple of days. It turns out that mom can't really move. Something is going on with her back and she literally can't move without being in agonizing pain. It has been like this since Friday but today had been the worst day yet. She is thinking back surgery will happen soon. She was talking to me through her tears. She never has done that. She normally tells me that everything is fine - that she has her good days and bad days but that everything is fine. My mom never complains but something is always going on. During Christmas something was going on with her eye. It hurt - and she couldn't really see. Sometimes she can't move her elbow. Other times it's her hip.

I hate disease. I fucking hate it.

I got off the phone with my mom and cried for along time. Not just for her but for my friend and my friends brother. And for everyone that I passed in my car that is going through their own personal battle. Everyone is going through something - and if they aren't now then they did or they will.

I realize from time to time that despite the joy and beauty that is all around, life is really hard. Really, really hard. And sad. And sometimes you don't feel like having a positive outlook because when you're in soo much pain or when you see someone you love in so much pain, there is nothing positive about that. It just plain sucks. Bad.

I wish a million times that I could take my moms pain away - and not just her physical pain. Disease impacts a lot more than your physical self. It impacts everything. I would give my arms or legs or both to take it away. I would crawl coast to coast or, well - I can't think of anything I wouldn't do.

I believe in miracles - and I do believe God has a plan - but even believing that doesn't make things better. Sometimes, the only thing that seems to make me feel better is to feel really really sad. And to cry. A lot.