I went to church today and thought about a few things. Mostly I tried to think of things that I could do in my life right now that would make me happier and help improve the relationships that I have-the relationship with God, my family, my good friends, and myself. I was particularly thinking about my relationship with God though.
My relationship with God hasn't been where I want it to be. Since I have moved to Washington it has been really strong and then weak and then just kind of there. I have missed His presence and influence.
I was talking to Nicole a few nights ago and she kinda called me out about my relationship with God. It made me take time away from life and think about it...and I discovered that I have pushed Him away from me. It made me feel sad and a little depressed. I don't want that anymore. I want Him back.
Sometimes (and perhaps mostly when I feel like I am alone) I feel vulnerable. I would argue that after having your heart broken, vulnerable is worlds worst feeling. I don't hate a lot of things but I can honestly say that I hate feeling vulnerable-and right now I do.
I was dating this girl who told me that I have a hard time taking criticism and don't know how to compromise. She said that I do a lot of finger pointing and not a lot of the pointing is at myself. My response was usually "that isn't true." which I guess validates that it is true. Another girl said the same thing to me today. So perhaps it must be true. But I have a hard time with excepting that... (which again could validate its truthfulness)
I feel I am good at looking in the mirror and recognizing that change needs to occur in certain areas in my life. I am passionate about change. All kinds of change. Internal personal change and external exterior change. Perhaps I am looking at the wrong things though when I look in the mirror and have those introspective conversations with myself... I don't know...
There are a few things I know though. I know that relationships come with compromise. You can't have the first without the second. But, what I am struggling with is finding balance. I wanted to compromise with this girl I was dating but I didn't want to compromise convictions I have with God-and the two don't go hand in hand. Is that why I struggle so much?? Because our personal/Godly/whatever other kinds of convictions are different?! There has to be something...I am at a loss.
Being a lesbian who absolutely loves God is hard. People argue that I can't love God since I'm a lesbian but I will bypass that argument to get to the climax of this entry... I do love God and I don't want to compromise that love or that relationship (good climax?!). I would climb to the highest mountain to scream it for the world to hear. I would tell every person, or try and show every person-and I do try. Yes there are times I suck at trying but I try.
Bottom line is, I am confused right now. I want to hear what is being said to me and incorporate what is good into my life. I want the best kinds of things in my life. I want God. I want a good relationship with Him. I want a good relationship with a wonderful person. I want things that are beautiful and uplifting. Is that too much to ask for?
Maybe it is. I am a lesbian afterall.
5 comments:
I'm really sorry that you're struggling, Chel. I can only imagine what it is like.
I love you so much!... it pains me to know that you hurt.
I think you can have it all, but for now, maybe, what do you want more? What will help you be the best Chel? If it is God, if it is a significant other, I'm not the one to judge, but maybe think objectively about yourself, who you wish you were, (and don't forget to give yourself props for what and who you ARE!) no one can tell you either way, including your gf. You have to be comfortable with every aspect of your life you have control over, and I think your romantic relationship as well as your spiritual relationship with God are both things you can control. Good luck dear friend. Love you!
Have you heard Nico's lyrics, "Don't confront me with my failures, I have not forgotten them."? I don't know the circumstances of your gf's criticism, but maybe she shouldn't be so hard on you. We are all well aware of our own weakness. As for God, you are in the tricky position of having to let go of the mormonisms that would make you think God doesn't love you, while at the same time embracing the mormonisms that first taught you that there is an infinitely loving God. Not an easy task, especially when the human heart is so frail. But If I were with you I could scream and call and shout about God's love for you specifically. Why is it easier to know these things for other people than for ourselves?
Blessings.
The first and most important thing... you are loved by me. Chels, I am sorry that you are hurting. I never want pain for someone I care so much for. But, I cannot say that I am sorry about the confrontation. See, even if she is being too hard on you (which is entirely possible) it has forced you to take a contemplative look into yourself and reflect on the most important relationship you have, the one with God. I am grateful for those wake-up calls in my life that remind me of what matters most to me and makes me the most happy. In my life, that is God, and I believe that it is the same for you.
Also, I want to tell you that I believe that you, yes even YOU, can be completely happy. What I mean is, I think other women like you are out there. Women who are gay and love God. I think that you have to hold out for the best person for you and have faith in the mean time.
Ami, you are amazing and I want you to be with someone who loves you but that also has that relationship with God priority driving them.
Again, it's good to check yourself every so often, but don;t doubt yourself, you are a person of high character and you inspire me to be better.
Love you always dear friend.
While I am a firm supporter of compromise, I still believe some things shouldn't be compromised to make another person happy; God being one of them.
I've never known you to be a finger pointer, but I do know that all of us do it now and again. This is probably a good reminder to be more understanding where applicable.
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