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PS. I GET TO GO HOME ON SUNDAY!!!!!

I can hardly wait.

Sare and Michelle

Yesterday was a good day. I talked to two friends who I haven't spoken to in literally years- close to 4 or 5 years. They were both my college roommates back in the day.

I won't go into the details of either conversation. They were both great and enlightening and left me feeling thankful beyond measure.

Good friends are life altering. I have always focused on having good people around me and in college I was lucky enough to meet an amazing group of people who built me up, helped me grow, and pushed my horizons. I am grateful for them. And I am grateful that I reconnected with 2 of them yesterday. Hopefully I will get to reconnect with a few more while I'm home NEXT week!!!

Compromise Part 2

I just realized something.

I don't want to put it all on God. It isn't all about that... I don't want to compromise with myself. There are certain characteristic traits that I was born with, things that my parents taught me about being a good functioning human-some involve God, others don't.

Simply put, there are things that make Chelsea Chelsea. I like me and I won't compromise that.

Compromise

I went to church today and thought about a few things. Mostly I tried to think of things that I could do in my life right now that would make me happier and help improve the relationships that I have-the relationship with God, my family, my good friends, and myself. I was particularly thinking about my relationship with God though.

My relationship with God hasn't been where I want it to be. Since I have moved to Washington it has been really strong and then weak and then just kind of there. I have missed His presence and influence.

I was talking to Nicole a few nights ago and she kinda called me out about my relationship with God. It made me take time away from life and think about it...and I discovered that I have pushed Him away from me. It made me feel sad and a little depressed. I don't want that anymore. I want Him back.

Sometimes (and perhaps mostly when I feel like I am alone) I feel vulnerable. I would argue that after having your heart broken, vulnerable is worlds worst feeling. I don't hate a lot of things but I can honestly say that I hate feeling vulnerable-and right now I do.

I was dating this girl who told me that I have a hard time taking criticism and don't know how to compromise. She said that I do a lot of finger pointing and not a lot of the pointing is at myself. My response was usually "that isn't true." which I guess validates that it is true. Another girl said the same thing to me today. So perhaps it must be true. But I have a hard time with excepting that... (which again could validate its truthfulness)

I feel I am good at looking in the mirror and recognizing that change needs to occur in certain areas in my life. I am passionate about change. All kinds of change. Internal personal change and external exterior change. Perhaps I am looking at the wrong things though when I look in the mirror and have those introspective conversations with myself... I don't know...

There are a few things I know though. I know that relationships come with compromise. You can't have the first without the second. But, what I am struggling with is finding balance. I wanted to compromise with this girl I was dating but I didn't want to compromise convictions I have with God-and the two don't go hand in hand. Is that why I struggle so much?? Because our personal/Godly/whatever other kinds of convictions are different?! There has to be something...I am at a loss.

Being a lesbian who absolutely loves God is hard. People argue that I can't love God since I'm a lesbian but I will bypass that argument to get to the climax of this entry... I do love God and I don't want to compromise that love or that relationship (good climax?!). I would climb to the highest mountain to scream it for the world to hear. I would tell every person, or try and show every person-and I do try. Yes there are times I suck at trying but I try.

Bottom line is, I am confused right now. I want to hear what is being said to me and incorporate what is good into my life. I want the best kinds of things in my life. I want God. I want a good relationship with Him. I want a good relationship with a wonderful person. I want things that are beautiful and uplifting. Is that too much to ask for?

Maybe it is. I am a lesbian afterall.

Meanness

I haven't been on this thing for awhile. I've missed it. For some reason I feel better when I write.

A lot has happened the last little while. Some good. Some bad. But overall I feel like my life is getting better and better. I am finding more clarity and satisfaction. Further, the weather has been absolutely beautiful which has forced me to have all kinds of adventures outside...which makes me smile-on the inside and out.

So, something I have been thinking about lately...

I am wondering why people are mean on purpose. I have been in a few situations in the last while where I have witnessed people being mean ON PURPOSE. Further, (and I hang my head when I say this) I have been mean to people ON PURPOSE. Chelsea, what's wrong with you?! Sarcastic jokes, lack of sensitivity, or simply not caring and being mean on purpose. Perhaps reacting to someone elses meanness. Whatever the reason, I am ashamed. Not only in myself-but in people-in my fellow human beings.

I was driving today and watched a girl-probably in her mid 20's yell at an elderly woman who has driving too slow. I listened to a conversation that was about how this person I know did this, that and whatever... and I participated in a conversation like that too the day before. I watch the news most mornings as I get ready for work and I get sad when I hear the bad things that people do to other people. I wonder why.

If we all realized that every person we meet, every person we come across, is someone elses loved one, best friend, son, daughter...you get the point- perhaps we would treat people a little better. There has to be something. I don't like meanness.

Life is too short and sometimes too hard to be mean or to have meanness given to you. I'll do my part to eliminate it...

And I'll end with a silly picture of my on the my boat in the backyard. I love, love, love where I live. Being here makes me know God lives and loves me.

Finally

Guess who has their computer back!?!!

I DO! I DO!

But nothing was able to be retrieved. All my stuff is gone...all gone... so send things my way!