blessed

Right this second I feel so happy and so extremely blessed- but there is something missing. Becka is missing. Love is missing. But I feel happy and blessed. I got home today- to my parents home and it is soo pretty inside. It looks and smells and tastes like Christmas. And it sounds like Christmas. This place is my little slice of heaven on earth.


I think my mom is a Christmas elf!

I had 12 hours (in addition to the last couple weeks-even months) to have an out loud (and sometimes quiet) conversation with myself. It seems my thoughts are so clear and then they become cloudy- its an annoying cycle but with every moment that passes it seems like the up and down is consistently making things make more sense.

Ive said this before but I feel like I am a teenager. I am learning about my sexuality and becoming comfortable with myself. Annnnnd I'm 28. Embarrassing. But whatever. My late self acceptance combined with my religious confusion combined with everyday life has contributed in creating Chelsea Nelson as we know her today. Its actually quite comical to think of the times I have explained myself as a laid back, easy going person. In the last couple years I have been anything but laid back and easy going. I have been so in my head, so concerned with reasons for everything and have tried so hard to find out the answers of life that only time and experience can answer. I have realized that living for the future instead of the present has been a huge problem for me.

Projection comes with living for the future- which certainly caused a lot of issues with Becka. Instead of enjoying her and our relationship I got in a crazy habit of wanting to know what it would be like when/if we got married and what it would be like if/when we had a baby. I worried so much! I worried about things that I wasn't sure would even happen- like who would go to Mexico if we decided to have a destination wedding?! Can you believe it?! So stupid! I worried about what family and friends would think when they opened a wedding announcement. I made it up in my mind that there would be negative judgement which completely stressed me out and pushed me away. I worried so much about stuff that DIDN'T MATTER! - I had a real hard time enjoying the day to day moments- which is heart breaking because there were so many good moments.

It has been suggested to me that I subconsciously ruined my relationship with Becka because I couldn't handle all of the stress (that I created) regarding the future. I hate that.

So- here I am- aware of some of my baggage and so ready to take it on. I can't handle living this way. I want to live in the moment and accept the love that is around me. Not only from my person but from every moment and every situation.

I don't know what is going to happen in my life but I do know I am starting a new chapter. And the new chapter is because I am making a valiant effort to make corrections and do work on myself so fear of the unknown doesn't rule my life. I want love and hope and happiness to rule my life. Time to get back to that fun-loving, happy woman that I know is inside of me! She is suffocating in there.