Supa and Koda

I have spent a lot of time thinking and remembering today.

I remember going to Body World at the library in Salt Lake a couple months ago. While I was there I learned that a person can die from a broken heart. I don't like that. I rather die from old age, or from being shot, or burnt than die from a broken heart. My heart has been broken before-it was the worst pain I have ever felt.

Today I remembered a particular day I went cross country skiing with Supa and Koda-they were my pups...I wish I had pictures of them to post. I don't. I don't have a single picture because my computer broke...and they were all erased. I thought about how they were like babies...how people would stop me wherever I was to tell me how cute they were. They were perfect dogs. I miss them.

I remembered the day I bought my house. I was so excited. I remember building the fence and finishing the hardwood floors and painting and learning a little about electrical stuff. I am trying to sell my house right now.

I remembered how excited I was to move to Washington-and then when I got in the truck to actually drive here I was devastated with my decision. I realized I was completely impulsive-that I was leaving everything and everyone that meant something to be to blaze a new trail-a trail that I am now happy as ever to be on.

I remembered going to a Jazz game with my dad-back in the day when they played in the Salt Palace. I sat on his lap and he spoke very intently about the game. I could feel his passion for it. He passed the passion to me.

I remembered my friend Krista. She was my friend and teammate in highschool. She committed suicide her senior year. She was an all-star. After she died I knew that people who appear to be happy on the outside might be dying on the inside. Krista appeared to be the happiest of happy!

I remembered going to Disney Land with my family. Tolman wanted to keep going on Its a Small World-or maybe he just wanted us to sing it over and over. I remember his face as we were on the ride. He was in heaven.

I remembered what it was like when life was a little simpler-the days when I could roll out of bed and change my shirt if I wanted and head to school. I'd walk up and down the halls saying hi to as many people that I passed and go to class only if I wanted. I would go to basketball practice and daydream about being great, I would joke with teammates about everything-that was Chelsea- the practical joker- and talk about what I wanted to eat for dinner.

I remembered when I was more confident. More confident and more sure of, well, everything.

After reading this, I had to call my dad and tell him that I love him.

Moving

Kerry is going to Korea for the summer. She leaves tomorrow. After the summer she is moving to Chicago for grad school.
Ariel and Dave just moved to Iowa for his dental residency. They visited me a few days ago because they are trying to decide where they are going to go once that is over. Washington is on their list of places they are considering...
Jami and Dave are moving to Minnesota in about a year. They will be there for a couple years.
My brother Nils is in Arizona for the summer.
I have reconnected with old friends on facebook and in this crazy blogging world who are spread out across the globe.
My family is in Utah. Utah and New York and Rhode Island and California. But most are in Utah.

And I am in Washington. I am in Bothell, Washington alone in my house at 12:31am on a Monday night. I keep bouncing around the web looking at different maps and pointing out to myself all the places I know people. Looking at maps and globes make me feel small. I like feeling small. I like feeling like a big deal sometimes too but feeling small is more accurate to reality. I like it. Feeling small makes me feel motivated to create. Create something for myself-or out of myself...haven't really figured it out yet.

All I know is that people, people I know, are moving to create something different for themselves. I want to jump on that bandwagon! Luckily for me though (and the only reason I say luckily is I HATE moving and have had to do it A LOT in the past year) I just have to move around in my mind a little, tweak a few of my habits and beliefs.

Yesterday

Yesterday was a significant day for me. June 17th is a day that will forever and ever symbolize a new beginning for me. It was a day that one of the most important people in my life passed on and four years after that another one of the most important people to me was born.

June 17th, 2000: My best friend Ashley Richardson was taken from us as a result of a car accident.
It was a beautiful day without a cloud in the sky...Ash called me asking if I wanted to go spend time at her sisters house-she was house-sitting there because Emily was out of town. In most circumstances I would have been there is a second-I always had soo much fun with Ashley and took advantage of every opportunity to hang out with her. But for some reason, a reason that I really can't explain, I decided that I wanted to go hiking by myself-something I didn't usually do on beautiful summer days.
On the way home from the mountain there was some traffic on the freeway. I passed an accident. I saw a jeep that was turned on its side. I later found out I drove by Ashley's accident. She was in that jeep.

I stopped at a friends house on my way home from the mountain. Then I went home. My dad met me on the porch. He had tears in his eyes. I asked him what was wrong never expecting what did come out of his mouth to come out of his mouth. He told me Ashley was in a car accident and that she didn't make it. I asked him, "Ashley who?" He told me Ashley Richardson. I didn't believe him. I talked to her earlier that day. But he assured me it was her. I was devastated. I didn't realize how much she meant to me until she was gone and I didn't realize how much she impacted my life until she died. She still impacts me. I will forever be grateful for the influence she has had on my life. I am better because of her. I forgive quicker because of her. I listen better because of her. I am generally slow to get angry and quick to give praise all because of her encouragement. I appreciate my family more because of her. I love myself more because of her. I recognize greatness in simplicity because of her. I have a better relationship with God because of her.

Ashley was most certainly the most loving and giving friend I had ever had. She introduced to me what true friendship was and introduced what a real and personal relationship with God looked like. I love her forever and ever!

June 17th, 2004: I was in Alaska. A few months before June 17th, Court found a lodge online that would hire both of us for the summer-Riversong Lodge-so we packed up our bags and went to Alaska. I went to breakfast with Jami the morning I was going to leave...Jami took me to Village Inn and gave me an empty photo album...an album that I was supposed to fill up with the pictures she was going to send me of my unborn nephew.

I can't remember what I was doing on June 17th when I got the call that informed me that Jami had her baby. Tolman James Lamborn was born-I had a nephew!!

Like I keep saying, I was in Alaska-I hadn't even seen or held the little guy but I loved him immediately. I don't know how old he was when I actually got to meet him-I think he was a couple weeks old but what I do know is I have never fallen in love so quickly. And the love that I felt for him during the converation that I learned of his birth has only intensified 10 fold.

Tolman turned 5 yesterday. I can hardly believe it. Its hard for me to conceptualize how much love is packed into his little body. Love and joy and excitement and perfection. I adore him and know that we will be best buddies forever and ever.

Highs and Lows

Soooooooo much to write about.

First, today I feel better. The last few days, maybe last few weeks I was feeling a little down-not like normal, happy go-lucky, always look on the bright side of things Chelsea.

There was a moment I even considered moving back to Utah. When that thought entered, I had to seriously take a look at where these thoughts/feelings were coming from to determine how seriously I should consider these ideas that would pop into my mind.

I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my house in Logan and my puppies that I had to give away. I miss the Utah bubble. I miss being around people who understand the Mormon religion-around people who I don't have to defend or debate the religion with. I miss my siblings. I realize I already said that I miss my family but I really miss my family.

But I am happy to say that my thought of moving home was merely a thought-that when I took time with Chelsea for Chelsea I determined where that idea came from. My health hasn't been great, my job is really changing, and although I have good friends here, I haven't had the time and experience with them that really creates lifelong lasting relationships. Sooo...all of this points to one thing...I am searching for something consistent in my life because there really isn't anything consistent right now...and the thing that is always and will always be consistent is my family and the love we have for each other.

Now lets update my readers on the happenings in Washington.

The weather is great! Around 80 degrees right now-and people complain that it's too hot. I laugh as I think about my days on the ropes course. 100-107 degrees all summer. And then I think of my brother in Arizona. HOT HOT HOT! I have been experiencing some of Washington's recreation lately. Over Memorial Day weekend I went camping. It was great. There was a group of about 25 girls who went. We went to Eastern Washington-it reminded me of Utah. Becka and I and a friend named Erica went kayaking last week. We went to Lake Union...I think (so many bodies of water-I get mixed up). We had a great view of the city-and looking at the city made my mind go crazy. Its interesting that somebody decided to build a city in a location that is literally surrounded by water. But whatever-it seems to work.

I am feeling a little more confident getting around but I still struggle. Finding an address without my GPS is nearly impossible. I don't know how people do it. I used to pride myself in my sense of direction and ability to get places but man oh man...not anymore. I feel lost 80% of the time.

Now to a low point in the last few weeks.
This is Shirley. She was involved in a hate crime a couple weeks ago. She was at a club in Seattle with some friends and when she went outside she was beaten by a big burly guy who kept telling her she should die because of her sexual orientation-while his friends circled up around them-not allowing anyone to help her.I had only met Shirley a few times before this happened and was introduced to the story from a mutual friend. When I heard about it, I wished there was something I could do to help. I was just contacted a few hours ago asking if I could write out my story and if I have any contacts to share Shirley's story with. Yes, yes and yes. I was told that the more people who know what happened, the better. I agree.

I have written about this before but let me touch on the topic again...

Why is it important that people live the same way we do. Why is it important that we all have the same ideas and beliefs. Why is it important that we love only the people who are like us?

I used to be a camp counselor. On Monday nights I would take my campers to Centry Rock. Before we got to the rock though I would tell them to go find something in nature that they thought was pretty. A rock, a leaf, a stick-anything they could carry. Then we would sit on the rock and watch the sunset. We would talk about how pretty it was. How perfect that moment on the rock with the sun setting and the sky turning every color of the rainbow was. Then we would discuss how boring it would be if every sunset, every tree, every rock, every leaf were the same.... and then the discussion would move to people-how boring the world would be if we were all the same. But sometimes we hate what is different. And I don't understand.

Yes, I can understand that people think that being gay is gross and I can understand that people might think its weird. But I cannot understand how someone could feel soo strongly about it-strong enough to want to kill-and yes...killing Shirley was the intention.

Most of my friends in Washington are gay. They are normal. They are just like me. Most battled with it for along time-wishing they weren't but realizing they couldn't fight who they were born to be. They are people who have dreams, who want families, who get soo sad with the fact they in society, they aren't normal-that they don't have the same rights as the person across the street because of the person they love. We are upstanding citizens-with good jobs and who like volunteering in the community. We love to laugh and have fun and we like doing silly things. When we get sad or happy we like to talk to our parents or siblings or best friends.

Maybe some of us have unusual haircuts and maybe some of us dress a little different. But once you look into our hearts and our minds, we really aren't that different. No, not different at all.