Change

So... my thoughts are somewhat complex right now but I will do my best to get them out... just in case there are people out there reading. If not, I will probably read this later on...

Anyway...

I'm not a huge fan of playing on words (?? I think that is the phrase that is used??) but the other day I read one on a friends myspace page and have been thinking about it since. Let me give an example of what I mean. "Life isn't about how many breaths you take. It's about the things that take your breath away." Hmm. It's cute (and for those of you who really like this quote, I am sorry-just a personal opinion) but so far from the truth. Today I played in a basketball tournament for work. I got hit in the gut. I couldn't breathe for a few seconds. At that moment I didn't think that what was life was about at all. On the contrary, I woke up early a few times last week and depending on the day went running/walking/biking. I was cold, the view was AMAZING and I was breathing real hard (particularly when I went running). Those mornings are soo much more what life is about then getting hit in the gut and not being able to breathe. OR, one more example, my sister Jami is afraid of heights but (I think) her favorite ride at Disney Land is a haunted house that takes your real high in the air and then drops you. From the pictures we have gotten back from those rides I think she forgets to breathe. Jami also has two amazing kids. She talks to them, sings to them, laughs with them and she breathes when she does all those things. To me life is about the breaths we take...and what we do while we take those breaths. If it were about the times that took our breath away I would encourage everyone to scare me and hit me in the gut as often as possible.

Now to the 0ne I like.

"If you don't like it, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you feel about."

WOW! Does that speak volumes to anyone else? It does to me. I feel I could write novels about that single phrase.

I should carry a pen with me throughout the day and make a mark on my hand each time I complain or hear someone else complain. Complain about myself, my work, my house, my clothes, my car, my neighbors, politics-local, national and international, global issues, what else? It seems there is complaining about everything.

Rather than complaining about something, what would happen if I used that same energy and tried to change it? Change is hard, perhaps the hardest of all things but I am a human for crying out loud! Humans can do anything-even walk on the moon! And the things I can't change? What is I started using my mind to change the perception? Find perfection in things with imperfection? What an amazing concept!

If you don't like it, change it! If you can't change it, change the way you feel about it! A formula for happiness!

Moving on to my next thought... this came as I came home to change my clothes-out of my basketball clothes back into my ropes course clothes. Just a little preface to these thoughts, I live next to an elementary school and while I was changing my clothes I heard them out and about playing!

If I were to have written those thoughts as I were having them, this is what would would've been written.

Right now I am sitting in my living room. I am looking out my window. It's a beautiful day. The best thing about this moment though is what I hear. There is an elementary school next to my house and I am listening to the kids play. Laughing and screaming and playing.

Perfection. What is it? The best definition I have come up with is: children. Kids are perfect. They are kind, they are loving, they are unable to judge and they find happiness in simple things; to me that is perfection.

Tol and Addi. They are perfect to me.

Kids come into this world and they are surrounded my adults. Parents, perhaps siblings and friends and media-adults are everywhere! And kids come having to depend on those blasted adults for everything. That seems backwards to me.

What would the world be like if the kids across the street made the rules (I am guessing the kids out there are in 1st or 2nd grade)? It would be different. Kids don't notice pretty and ugly, fat and thin, black and white. They don't notice the subtle differences that make individuals different-much less the dramatic differences that make us hate.Perhaps some kids notice but where and how do they learn it? From adults.

I have a pretty idealistic mind. I wouldn't have it any other way though. I know that I'm not always my best self but I would hope that I can break the ideas and stereotypes I have about people and encourage others to do the same. People are people. Everyone wants the same thing. To be loved and accepted for being them-no matter the clothes they are wearing or the numbers on the scale.

The kids are playing RedRover right now. I can hear them. They are ALL holding hands and playing together. They are laughing and encouraging each other. I wish that the adults in their lives could have a front row seat...

Reality

Reality is weird. It isn't definable.

Reality is different for every person. Sometimes I get to jump into the reality of other people but just for moments at a time. For me it is an experience. For them it is reality.

Like the other day I got to help at a women's shelter. I was visiting with women and children who come from abusive homes. Luckily for me it lasted just a few hours...actually, it didn't really last at all. I HEARD about experiences they went through and kinda internalized them but that is as close to an abusive type relationship I will ever get. I am so glad that isn't part of what is real in my life.

Today I went to a Mountain Man extravaganza. It was the same kind of experience-only not so emotional. It was humorous and I have been thinking about it since; about how soo many things make up our reality. Today I was imagining what it would have been like to live in the days of the Pony Express (I was serenaded about the Pony Express today! haha!) rather than email/blogging. ha! Or perhaps what it would have been like to be born in other country or even a different family. Our reality is based on soo many things and I am thankful for the things that have created mine.

Living in a time with so many modern conveniences (like blogging) is a blessing beyond measure. Then being born in my family-geez! How lucky for me! I have been able to visit different places in the world and have seen the poorest of poor people. I have met families who have to take turns eating. One day the kids get to eat and the next the parents get to eat-or something like that. I have met people who have never left their tiny villages-even if the next village is just a few miles away-perhaps they want to keep their world as small as possible. Perhaps they aren't even aware that life exists outside of their village. Perhaps they are afraid of the world being too big and perhaps that fear is the same fear I have about the world being too small.

My reality is beautiful.

Best Brother

It's Memorial Day weekend. People are out and about going on sweet vacations and road trips having rad experiences. I am home, in Logan, with my brother Curtis and having the best time!

Curtis is 13. He is a smelly kid with way too much energy and loves talking about punching people and his newly formed interest in girls. Ha! He makes me laugh. He is also the most tender hearted, good and honest kid I know. I am so glad he is my brother!

When he first got here I wished for a minute that I would have gone to Moab or Zions-or somewhere else equally as cool for the long weekend. Actually, I think those wishes left right when I saw him. His ear to ear smile and excitement that radiated from him was all I needed to know that we were going to have worlds best weekend!

And we have. At least I have. We have had continuous fun: surfing, ropes course, music, parks, movies, scooter and motorcycle riding and there is more to come. It's only Saturday morning. The best part of the weekend though has been our conversations.

Like I said, Curtis is only 13 but I forget sometimes. He talks to me like a grown up. He asks questions about complicated real life subjects. It amazes me how his mind works and the kinds of things he thinks about and what we are able to talk about. I am amazed how much the little guy cares about me and worries about me and how those feelings just aren't felt for me but for my entire family and lots of his friends. I am certainly blessed to have such a RAD brother!

I love you Curtis.

We went to the park and he got stuck in the hole.

Sometimes Curtis comes to help me at the ropes course. This was yesterday. Everyone loved him. After the group left and we were getting read to leave he was taking his harness off and his pants came off too. Soo funny. Good thing he had shorts on!

CHECK OUT THIS VIDEO!!

CURTIS ON The SWNG

This is me and Curtis at the indoor surfing place in Ogden. Soo Cool!

Early Hours of the Morning

It is 6:21am right now. I have been awake for nearly 2.5 hours though. It seems my sleeping habits have taken a turn the last while. Right around 4am I just wake up. I stay in bed thinking that I will just go back to sleep but I am wide awake. Its weird. I might as well take advantage of the early hours and blog. :)

Have you ever had times where you are searching for something more but you don't really know what that something your searching for is? Lately I have been in a constant state of searching. My life has become too comfortable. I have become too content. Life is beautiful and fabulous for me but I still want more.

Perhaps every girl is asked the same set of awkward questions at about the same time in their life...during high-school sleepovers. I remember asking and being asked for a list of my greatest fears. My list of fears is different now but one has stayed the same. Being mediocre. I don't care what other people see when they look at me but when I look at myself I want to see someone I love and adore and someone I have fun with. I have made promises to myself to be happy, to take myself on dates and to follow my dreams. I don't want my life to get in the way of living and I certainly never want to make excuses to not be my best self; and I hope my best self is getting a little better everyday.

So right now I feel I am searching. Perhaps I have lost track of the direction I want to head. Perhaps I can take advantage of these early hours and get myself to the place I want to be!

Moms

I am at my parents house for the weekend. Dan got married yesterday and had to come down for that AND Mother's Day is tomorrow. Not only do we get to celebrate our Moms, I get to talk to my brother, Nils. I'm looking forward to it! We get to talk to him tomorrow and in 4 weeks we get to see him! WOOHOO!

Mother's Day has always been one of my favorite days. My mom is incredible. The love and support she has shown me throughout my life has helped mold me. I love you mom!

This is my mom pretending to be superman! She jumped out of a plane last year. Way to go Mom!

Here is a little story I wrote about my mom just a few weeks after I moved out of my house...about 7 years ago...weird.

My Mom

Not too long ago, some of my roommates along with myself rented Superman, a popular movie about a hero. I had never been a big fan of Superman but as I sat there this time watching the movie, my thoughts about him, or perhaps what he resembled, changed.

I don't think it is a cowiecidence that Superman is only two letters off of Supermom. It might sound funny but as I was watching the movie I thought of someone. No one other than my mom. My Supermom!

Superman is a hero to all that know him. Heroically, he saves lives by running into burning buildings or fighting the evil monster that is putting people into distress. People scream his name and in a matter of only seconds, he is there. He constantly takes the world upon his shoulders and always comes out on top. No one in the world can beat him at anything. He is big. He is stong. He can fly. He can fight. Perhaps that is why they call him Superman.

To some, Superman might not seem very special. He is sometimes in disguise as an ordinary guy without special power. Those people that think that are wrong. Superman isn't an ordinary guy. An ordinary guy can't do everything and Superman can indeed do everything!

So can my mom.

My mom never ran ino a burning building, although she would have, to save me. She never had to fight an evil monster except for the ones that hid under my bed at night. She never flew in the sky to hold up a building that was going to fall on me. Instead mom stayed up with me everynight while I was a baby holding and rocking me until I fell asleep. She told me that I was important and special when other people told me I wasn't. When I called her name, she was there. Always. Even when she wasn't there, she was there. My mom was my greatest fan always giving me trophy's of acceptence and love. All of her hugs and kisses still fill up the inside of my trophy case.

My mom, while taking care of herself, took care of me. At times she felt as though the weight of the world was on her shoulders. At times it really was, but she always came out on top.

Sometimes people thought that my mom was just an ordinary mom. They didn't see her super powers that she possed. Even I at a time didn't realize the powers she had. I, like the people in the movie Superman, had no idea the person who saved me time to time, was sometimes right in front of me.

Superman chose that he wanted to be a hero. My mom didn't. However, she chose that she would love and care for me and protect me from things that would hurt me. She turned into my hero. Just like millions of kids want to be just like Superman, I want to be just like my Supermom!

Passing Time

Here she is in action...kinda. I guess she isn't moving in this picture so there isn't much action. I was in a church parking lot practicing/photo shooting. :) I live in Logan, Utah (aka the place where churches are on every corner) so there are several lots to choose from. Luckily for me there are THREE churches in the same parking lot not too far from my casa which means HUGE parking lot with lots of room to practice those tight turns, gear shifting and well...everything else you need to perfect before you hit the road. I must say that I feel I have almost perfected most of my skills.

So, I am currently at work trying to pass some time. I just got back from the dentist and still have some time before I have to clock in.

Most people hate the dentist. Call me crazy, but I kind of like it. I forget that I like it and even tell people I hate it until I go. I guess I just follow the crowd sometimes and say I hate the dentist because everyone else does. If truth be told, it is somewhat relaxing to me. And although I am sitting here typing with a half numb face I feel good. Perhaps I will call and make another appointment soon.

My Castle

I have owned my house for nearly a year now. It's been a good year and I have done a lot of home improvements but I always get FRUSTRATED when I get a new tenant (I have a basement apartment that I rent out).

Finding someone to live down there is the easiest task but encouraging the person who is moving out to clean the apartment is HARD. And although the cleaning deposit they give me prior to their move-in day would be a nice amount to keep in the checking account, is not worth cleaning the apartment on my own.

I don't mind cleaning. Not at all. In fact, I like it. Keeping things nice is important to me. Cleaning up after someone else though is annoying and sometimes gross. I guess the reason it bothers me most is that this is my house. For them, it's just another apartment that they are going to live in for the school year. Hmm.

Enough of the complaining.

During the last year I have painted almost the entire house. I wish I had before and after pictures. When I moved in the walls were pumpkin orange. I have ripped out carpet and learned to lay carpet (kinda). I have refinished hardwood floors, tiled...hmm...what else? I built a fence and made a little patio in my backyard. It has been a good year. I have learned a lot and have made my little house into my home. I love it here.

Here are a few before and after pictures of my floor!

Weather and blogging

Are you kidding me? Yesterday at this time (7:47am) there was snow on the ground and now its suny and beautiful. I looked at the weather to see tomorrows forecast and once again, stormy. This up and down weather is semi depressing. I get excited thinking summer is around the corner... is warm weather too much to ask for?

I must admit that I am more than pleased with my blogging experience thus far. I have come acorss friends that I haven't seen or spoken to in ages. Who would've thought? I am grateful.