It's January 5th 2012 and it's already been a crazy and extremely interesting year.
I normally make new years resolutions but not this year. This year I am making a new years resolution. Singular. Just one. And my new years resolution is honesty with myself. And because of that I am going to make a new years confession.
Becka and I broke up- and I made people believe it was because I was struggling with the church. That was certainly part of it but that wasn't the reason. The reason was because I thought I had feelings for someone else. There you go- as I hang my head.
I went to a bachelorette party at the end of july and got to know another attendee. We did have some kind of connection and I came home thinking about the connection. I wondered why I thought about her- I convinced myself that since I was thinking about her i must have feelings. maybe I did.
I didn't tell Becka all of the details of what happened but she knew. She knew me better than i thought. So I broke up with her because I felt too much guilt for not being honest; I was confused, i started thinking of all of the bad in our relationship instead of the good AND I felt like she deserved better because of what had happened.
That was in September. Now it's january and there are times I wonder how i Iet it all happen- particularly that way. I know some relationships don't work but they shouldn't end because of dishonesty.
I miss Becka everyday. She was my best friend. She loved me. I could rely on her. She could rely on me. We were each others people. Not anymore. Before too long, Becka and I will be like strangers. That's what happens when you break up.
Being committed is a choice. I believe there are people that will come in and out of your life that make you feel and/or think certain things. I feel horrible that i went against my moral code!
So- I am working through my problems regarding church. I am also learning and working through my commitment issues- mainly commitment to myself.
like mentioned this happened months ago. I was a wreck but am finally doing better. I'm having fun. I'm smiling. I'm feeling happy with personal progress. And I'm choosing to spend time with people that make me feel good- people that bring out pod in me.
Though i am ashamed, I'm okay.
Here is to a happy and honest 2012!
1 comment:
Amazon, this is Ember from Brighton. It's been along time since then-hopefully you remember me. I've been following your blog for a long time. I've never comment because I never felt like I had the right words to say. But today I want to say thank you! I have a close friend who is attracted to the same sex. As I've tried to understand and be there for them, your blog has help me see into their perspective more. I'm grateful for your honesty in your blog post. Your new years resolution is something we should all commit too.
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