learning

I am starting to journal again. I haven't done it in years. And journaling has taken priority over blogging. Sometimes Im not a good multitasker. Shame on my. Because I love to blog!

I was in a self-help seminar type class about 2.5 years ago- Vision Quest. I wrote about some of it. I am writing in the same journal I wrote in while taking Vision Quest. It was given to me by a woman who I was in the class with. And it has been fun to read a few of the entries from that time. I was so happy. I was so confident.

4-9-09

"Ive learned a lot a lot in the past few months. Ive learned a lot in the past few weeks. it seems Ive had a lot of opportunities to widen my horizons the last while. First and most important, Ive learned that I will always need and crave my mom. No matter my age. I love her. I adore her. I hope to be like her. Ive learned not everyone is going to like me- and that's okay. If people don't like me it doesn't mean Im a bad person- and it doesn't mean I need to stop liking or loving them. I have learned that its important to believe in yourself- and not in the cheesy, cliche way- Im talking REALLY believing in yourself. And accepting and believing compliments that are given to you. Believe them. And let them sink in. Soak it up! I am pretty. I am a good person. I am smart! I am deserving and worthy of every good thing. Yes, yes I am all of those things and I am so much more than those things. I have learned that realizing and accepting truths- good and bad- will change me. I have learned that I don't need anyone else to be happy. The last year has been rough. I broke up with Jamie, move to WA, moved away from everyone I love, tried to date a few people in WA, got into horrible relationships and started to feel horrible about myself. I tried to find happiness within someone else. Now I am a lone- and I feel so happy. I want to find someone- hopefully the next person I date will be the last but Im loving this alone time. Ive gotten to know myself again. I do things for me. I spend time thinking and writing and praying and I don't have another person to hide behind. I like me. I love me. I like the kinds of things I think about when Im alone. I like how I feel about strangers. I like that I hum church songs when I am driving in my car. I like that I want to change the world. I've relearned what I want in a partner. I want someone who is committed and excited about doing good. I want someone who loves herself and loves God and people. I want someone who adores kids- and someone who wants a family. I want someone who adores me and who makes me want to be a better person. I've learned that I am completely obsessed with the NBA. I have a hard time falling asleep until I know the scores and watch the highlights. Ive learned that nobody gets me as excited as my little nephew Tolman. Jame and Tol came to visit last weekend and I had the time of my life. I love pretending I am 4 right along side him. I have relearned that I love being a Nelson. I am more proud to be connected to them than I am most things. Nelson's are strong. We are fighters. And we have an everlasting love for each other. I have learned that I can be okay. I am okay. I am more than okay. I am happy.
My life is entirely different now than I ever thought it would be but Im learning that different is okay. I smile everyday- the smile is seen on my face but felt in my soul.
I am an artist and my life is my canvas. And I am creating a masterpiece."

I want to put that confidence and excitement in a bottle and drink it for breakfast.