Gay Mormon

I turn on the TV too much. Sometimes I turn it on just to have back ground noise. But sometimes, or too often, I totally get sucked in. I certainly don't think TV is bad. But I don't want my nights to filled with noise from the TV. I rather noise coming from friends or music or silence.

I think that people underestimate the power of a silence. Or maybe I underestimate the power of silence.

Deep breath.

So- here we go. I'll spill it. Get ready.

In case you've missed it on the news, and Im speaking first hand, being a gay Mormon is hard. Really hard. Perhaps the hardest part is the fact that I can't or haven't found anyone like me. I have found a lot of Mormons. I have found a lot of gays. I have found a lot of gay Mormons that no longer like or associate with the church but I haven't found a gay Mormon who has positive feelings about the church. And I understand why. Most homosexual people that I know believe, as do I, that they were born gay. They didn't have a choice in the matter- so how can they believe in a church or have good feelings for a church that doesn't accept them. How can they have a testimony that God is perfect- but God made them a certain way and won't accept them? It makes sense that they don't like the church. Yesterday a (female) friend explained it like this, "I wouldn't consider joining a men's choir because I'm not a man and they wouldn't let me join- even though I'm a really good singer.... I can't consider being associated with the Mormon church because I'm a homosexual- even though I'm a really good person." Point taken. But what if I believe in the church? What if I have a testimony in Joseph Smith? Because I do. But there is not a place for me in the Mormon church. I mean, there is- if I decide to live as a single woman. But how could I ever choose to do that after experiencing love? I was in trouble the first time I heard Jamie Justice laugh. It wasn't love at first sight- it was more like love at first listen. Sounds ridiculous. But seriously. At the young age of 21 my soul connected with another in ways that don't happen to a lot of people. And I have experienced different but similar things since. So how could I choose to live alone? It seems impossible.

However, I am currently living alone. Becka and I broke up. We broke up about 2 months ago.

Things were good between us. But then, after 2.5 years, we started getting more serious about committing our lives to each other- you know, like forever. We talked about a wedding and kids and a house and everything a couple might talk about when deciding if/when to take the next step in their relationship. Something happened to us, or to me, during those conversations. Perhaps it made it too real that I am a happily gay Mormon-i know, that makes absolutely no sense. It made me wonder how many of my friends and family would come to my gay wedding celebration. It made me wonder if people would really be excited for me when they learned that I or my partner was having a baby. I wondered if they would be excited. Or if they'd feel bad for the baby.

I got sad. The sadness is one of the reasons a gap started to form.

Perhaps I needed (or will some day need) to forget about the worry and allow people to act and react however they will. Perhaps people would be really excited for me. Perhaps there would be no judgement. Perhaps I am the only person who is guilty of judging right now.

Moving on. www.mormon.org. I love it! Last night I watched a lot of those little videos. The marketing/PR person who thought of that campaign is a genius. I was totally inspired. I imagined what I would say if I were to make a video.

"Hi, my name is Chelsea Nelson. I live in Seattle, Washington where I work and play and enjoy the beauty that is always around me. Washington is an amazingly beautiful place. I love Heavenly Father and know He loves me too- I just have to open my eyes to be reminded of His love. My name is Chelsea. I am a daughter. An entrepreneur. A lover of nature. And I am a (gay)Mormon." Shoot. That doesn't work. I became jealous of all of the people who proclaimed their love for their husband and wife and their kids. I want to do the same. Having a family is the only consistant thing I have ever wanted.

But then, I went to www.affirmation.org. Check it out. A website that is for gay and lesbian Mormons. I wish they had a Seattle chapter. Some of the people on the site are so bitter but most seem to be in a similar place that I am in. I found this site yesterday. Perhaps it will give me some clarity.

My mom just called. She is in Minnesota visiting Jami, Dave and the kiddos. I talked to Addison for a quick minute. Her little voice made me tear up.

Im on my period. Perhaps that is why I am so emotional. Perhaps you can sense my confusion. After 28 years, I wish it would go away.

Later.

learning

I am starting to journal again. I haven't done it in years. And journaling has taken priority over blogging. Sometimes Im not a good multitasker. Shame on my. Because I love to blog!

I was in a self-help seminar type class about 2.5 years ago- Vision Quest. I wrote about some of it. I am writing in the same journal I wrote in while taking Vision Quest. It was given to me by a woman who I was in the class with. And it has been fun to read a few of the entries from that time. I was so happy. I was so confident.

4-9-09

"Ive learned a lot a lot in the past few months. Ive learned a lot in the past few weeks. it seems Ive had a lot of opportunities to widen my horizons the last while. First and most important, Ive learned that I will always need and crave my mom. No matter my age. I love her. I adore her. I hope to be like her. Ive learned not everyone is going to like me- and that's okay. If people don't like me it doesn't mean Im a bad person- and it doesn't mean I need to stop liking or loving them. I have learned that its important to believe in yourself- and not in the cheesy, cliche way- Im talking REALLY believing in yourself. And accepting and believing compliments that are given to you. Believe them. And let them sink in. Soak it up! I am pretty. I am a good person. I am smart! I am deserving and worthy of every good thing. Yes, yes I am all of those things and I am so much more than those things. I have learned that realizing and accepting truths- good and bad- will change me. I have learned that I don't need anyone else to be happy. The last year has been rough. I broke up with Jamie, move to WA, moved away from everyone I love, tried to date a few people in WA, got into horrible relationships and started to feel horrible about myself. I tried to find happiness within someone else. Now I am a lone- and I feel so happy. I want to find someone- hopefully the next person I date will be the last but Im loving this alone time. Ive gotten to know myself again. I do things for me. I spend time thinking and writing and praying and I don't have another person to hide behind. I like me. I love me. I like the kinds of things I think about when Im alone. I like how I feel about strangers. I like that I hum church songs when I am driving in my car. I like that I want to change the world. I've relearned what I want in a partner. I want someone who is committed and excited about doing good. I want someone who loves herself and loves God and people. I want someone who adores kids- and someone who wants a family. I want someone who adores me and who makes me want to be a better person. I've learned that I am completely obsessed with the NBA. I have a hard time falling asleep until I know the scores and watch the highlights. Ive learned that nobody gets me as excited as my little nephew Tolman. Jame and Tol came to visit last weekend and I had the time of my life. I love pretending I am 4 right along side him. I have relearned that I love being a Nelson. I am more proud to be connected to them than I am most things. Nelson's are strong. We are fighters. And we have an everlasting love for each other. I have learned that I can be okay. I am okay. I am more than okay. I am happy.
My life is entirely different now than I ever thought it would be but Im learning that different is okay. I smile everyday- the smile is seen on my face but felt in my soul.
I am an artist and my life is my canvas. And I am creating a masterpiece."

I want to put that confidence and excitement in a bottle and drink it for breakfast.