I only like being an adult

I don't love being an adult. I just like it.

When I was a kid I could do anything. Seriously. I could fly and lift mountains and kill bad guys and I was sure to make a wish on every star. I wished for things like for everyone in the entire world to be happy or that I would be the first girl in the NBA.

One of my favorite parts of visiting my sister in Minnesota was hanging out with Tolman and Addison. I am in awe of them and how their minds work. One moment we are on a boat (blanket) throwing (make believe) food to the fish but not to the sharks (because sharks are mean and eat people) and the next minute Addison is my teacher teaching me the rules of the classroom.

I went star gazing with Tol and he asked me what it'd be like if we lived in space. We laughed and laughed as we imagined how fun it would be to float around all the time and drive spaceships instead of cars.

Being an adult is boring. We don't dance as much or skip or hold hands just because. We don't let go of our imaginations and we have a harder time finding shapes in the clouds. Or maybe we just forget to look up. Everything seems to be so serious when you're an adult. I miss the days of being a kid.

I miss (parts of) high school because the only thing I worried about was basketball practice and occasianally filling my weekends with friends. I miss Brighton Camp and all the singing and daily conversation about God and the beauty of the earth. There certainly wasn't talk about work or money or the sad things that we hear on the news.

I miss the days in Logan when I was taking little tiny baby steps into adulthood. I would go to class and listen to my professors and be amazed at their experience and knowledge. I hoped that I'd be that wise someday. I would lay on the grass at the elementary school and stare at the stars and vocalize my dreams. Supa and Koda would lick my face and bring me back from the clouds. I miss sitting on the ropes course platform feeling like I was on the top of the world. And I was. I was on top of my world. I had all the clarity I needed on what to do and how to be happy- just love everything- and I was beginning to.

And now I am an adult. I have been for awhile but not wanting to admit it. When I go to the fountain in Seattle I usually watch kids play in it instead of playing in it myself. BORING! When I hear music I don't always dance-even when I want to. I am on the computer more than I am outside. Depressing. And I haven't searched for all the shapes in the clouds in a long, long time. It is time to be more like a child. Who is with me?!

Rochester

I am in Rochester, Minnesota. Jami lives here with her husband and kiddos. She has lived here for about a month because Dave is doing his medical residency at Mayo Clinic. Ive never been to Minnesota so I was excited to visit. And HELLLLLO! The Mall of America is here.

I don't think I could ever live in a place that doesn't have mountains. Minnesota doesn't have mountains. It feels weird. the mountains make directions easy, they are beautiful to look at, and I feel the most happy when I am exploring them. But Minnesota is still pretty-just in a different way.

Jami lives about an hour away from the airport so after she picked me up we got to drive on a highway that was in the middle of corn fields. It was cool. And pretty. She had to drop off library books and I took them in for her-one of the librarians told me she would never live outside of Minnesota because it is so beautiful here. I thought that was interesting and that she should travel a little bit- perhaps visit Utah or Washington-so she could know the definition of beauiful. But I guess beauty is different to everyone (and I guess I am bias).

Tolman and I shot some hoops when we got home from dinner and then, once it got reallly dark, laid on a blanket and to look at the stars. We talked about what we'd want to do if we lived in space and searched for the big dipper. We couldn't find it. I adore that little boy.

I love watching Jami with her kids. I don't remember what Jami was like before she had kids but I know she was different than she is now. She is better. Having kids has magnified all of her best qualities and have brought others out that I didn't know she had. I think thats what happens for most women when they have babies. I look forward to that happening to me. When I see Jame with her kiddos, I get really excited to have kids of my own.

I have a few more days here and will be sure to take pictures. I am so happy to be here- I love every second I get to spend with my family!

The woman at Safeway

Sooo Becka ran the Portland Marathon last Sunday (I will get get into the details of that later-but she ran INCREIBLE) and on our way out of town we stopped by Safeway to get sandwiches at the deli. We were in line, ordered our sandwiches and then I decided to go get Harley a treat in the pet isle. After I found the perfect treat I went back to the deli and I noticed a woman that I haven't been able to get out of my mind.

The woman was sitting on a stool by the deli. She was probably in her 50's. You could tell she was sad. Sad and/or lonely. She was rubbing her eyes when I first looked at her and when I looked over again I could tell she was crying. I wanted to go talk to her-but I didn't. I wanted to give her hug and tell her things were okay. But I didn't. I got my sandwich, went back to the car, and drove back to Seattle. But I have thought about this woman a handful of times since.

It has made me think about the recent suicides that have been all over the news. Bear with me as I explain.

From my own experience the worst part about being gay before I came out was the lonely feeling- the constant lonely feeling- and fearing that the loneliness would never go away.

There are a lot of unhappy/sad/lonely people out there. Not just people in the LGBT community. There are a lot of people outside of that community who are leaving this world prematurley due to suicide- and there are even more people living but wishing they would/could die. Just like the gay community, people outside of the LGBT community believe that God has been unfair and believe the judgements they receive from family, friends, and strangers are unfair. People are people- and we all experience the same kinds of things. Good and bad.

I don't know what the woman at Safeway was going through on Sunday but I wish I could have extended love. I will next time. I am making a promise to myself.

I wish we would all extend love to the people we know, the people we meet, and the people who are strangers. We all need love. Its the only thing we need.

Skykomish

Last weekend I wanted to get out of Seattle. I wanted to be in the mountains. Sometimes I crave the mountains but for some reason I don't visit them nearly much as I want to or used to. I have realized that I took for granted that I literally lived minutes away from Logan canyon- the 30 minute drive (without traffic) seems far.

So Friday afternoon I talked to Becka and asked her/told her that we were going to Skykomish for the weekend. It was just what the doctor ordered. We saw some waterfalls, made leaf piles, threw the tennis ball in the river for Harley, spent time in the hot tub, and went to Leaveworth. I didn't take as many pictures as I should have but here is a mini preview of the weekend.


I am so thankful to live in such a beautiful place and to have a body that allows me to enjoy it. I am thankful for the sights- the trees, the sky, the leafs, the river, the everything! I love the smells and the sounds and how my insides feel when Im in the mountains. I love the mountains. I love Skykomish.

Change

I am changing my world. And I'm happy about it!

There is so much anger that has been communicated in the past few days via facebook and blogs and the news and, well, everywhere. And I'm over it. And I want to change it. So I am going to change it- at least for me. 

There is a protest in SLC tomorrow. It will be on the church headquaters. I wish I could go. I wish I could organize it. I would take all the protesters and teach them I am a Child of God. and we'd walk and sing our little hearts out. Of course there will be people there who don't believe in God so they obviously wouldn't believe they are a child of God. But that is besides the point. The point would be to communicate respect and observation we are more the same than we are different. We are all people. We all want love and acceptance. And a lot of us, despite differences, love God. Personally,  I would want to sing my testimony that I know I am a child of God and that my gay peers are, too. I would want to communicate that we know that the LDS church disapproves of our lifestyle but we still love God and a lot of us have a personal relationship with Him and are relying on His final judgement-rather than the daily judgements we are receiving. Some of us can't believe in Him. Maybe its because our circumstances are too sad. It is hard to believe a loving Heavenly Father would allow our life happenings to actually happen (being kicked out of our houses, contemplating suicide, constant harassment, lies to stay worthy, etc..) so a belief in God is wiped away. Or maybe the idea of a God just doesn't make sense. But like I said, those differences are small. We are all more alike than different.

I am hopeful that society will come to an agreement that the single thing that makes us the same is we all want to be loved and accepted. and it all starts with individuals. I will make it start with me. 

I am changing my world.

My day

Who am I kidding? I didn't become a regular blogger until I 'came out' but decided I didn't want to only focus on gay topics or being a gay person. I am other things too you know. I am good at basketball. I'm not a good singer but really, really wish I was. I am can sale just about anything. I consider most people my friend-or a potential friend and I have worlds cutest dog. But gosh dang it, despite all of that, I feel like I am being forced to focus on gay type issues.

My name is Chelsea Nelson and I will continue with my story.

I don't need to start with a horrible episode in the life of Chelsea. I don't need to give the details of the day I went to Bill Bernards garage with a gun with the plan to shoot myself. Or a day of the years of severe depression when I pleaded to God to take my life so I could stop thinking about doing it. I don't need to talk about how hard it was to wear the smile that I put on my face throughout middle and high school or how it felt like every word of praise from family and friends were the things that kept me alive. I will start by telling you about today.

Today started great! It was a beautiful day in Seattle! I swear, the day I neglect to see the beauty of this place is the day I will move. I got up, got ready for work, and was on my way. I was stuck in traffic-which is typical- so I turned on music and sang with the radio. I had 2 big meetings today so I rehersed my presentations in my head and then outloud. I looked good this morning- I recently bought some new work clothes which included 2 new suits and today I wore the black one. When I got to work 2 coworkers were sitting in my office. Sidenote: I started my new job about 2 months ago and decided to bring in a few pictures yesterday. One of my family. One of my neice and nephew. And one of Becka (my girlfriend) and I. My coworkers started to tell me that my family is beautiful and that Tol and Addi are the cutest kids they've seen. Then one asked who my friend was. I said, 'That's my girlfriend Becka." "Why don't you have pictures of your other girlfriends?" "No. She is my girlfriend- my partner." Blank stare. "I am gay." "Oooooh" Blank stare. Awkward silence. "We need to get back to work." They left.

A few minutes later one of them comes back.

"Sorry about that. Sue (not real name) isn't comfortable with gay people." "Oh thats okay." "We had wondered if you were gay. We asked Joe (not real name) if you were last week and he said he thought so." "Well, Joe was right." "Oh sorry-was that awkward?" "Umm, yes. But its okay. Next time you have a question about my personal life, feel free to ask me." "Sorry Chelsea. I better get back to work."

Then later from same person via email. work stuff. blah blah blah- but this is how it ended. "I just saw all these reports of gay teen suicides on facebook. What do you think about all of this."

This, among a lot, lot more is what I wanted to say.

These kids killed themselves because they don't feel like people. They don't feel like people because people treat them like aliens. These kids were taught in elementry school that they can be whatever they want to be. They can be doctors, professional athletes, artists, musicians, ANYTHING- except gay. It's true. Kids learn from adults. They learn from TV. Kids are smart. They listen to what we say. And what are we saying? Gays can't get married, gays can't serve in the military- they can die for their country but only if they lie about who they are, and they can't be a member of a church they absolutely believe in and love.

I wanted to continue with, "please don't bring up my personal life anymore. And I wont bring up yours either. And if we become friends later on and we have a sincere interest in each others lives, then we can talk about these kinds of things."

Now I am home and I am going to get ready to go to the gym. After that, I am going to eat dinner and get ready for tomorrow, and maybe read a book. And I am going to respond to a few emails from friends who wrote to express their acceptance after the talk given by Elder Packer. And I am going to tell them that I still love the church. Because I do.

Love is the only thing I believe in right now.

Conference

I don't know how I feel right now. I feel confused and sad but I feel kind of empowered too. General Conference was on today and I watched some of it. I watched Boyd K Packers give his talk about pornography and same sex attraction, being gay, and how marriage should be between a man and a woman.

My opinion? My opinion is kids die from talks like that. Seriously.

Read this and while you're at it, read this, too.

There were times I went to bed hoping I wouldn't wake up the next morning. I took bottles of advil, benedryl, and a prescription drug (that I can't remember the name of) on different occasions because I didn't want to be gay. My biggest fear was that I'd be a disappointment to my family, to my friends, to my church, and to my God- and I rather have died than do that.

Luckily for me, most of my attempts to leave this world were naive and didn't cause anything more than a sick stomach and really long naps. But I am a lucky one. Too many leave this world-or are taken from this world from people who hate us because of our sexual orientation.

I'm not going to say that Elder Packer is wrong. I don't know if what he said wrong. All I know is that I have had spiritual experiences where I have felt that I am okay being me. I have felt and continue to feel that God loves me- all of me- even the gay part of me.

Even if you agree with what Elder Packer said, I, a gay woman, who tried for the majority of my life not to be gay, continue to plead for what I have always pleaded for- love, acceptance, and tolerance. Don't support gay marriage if you can't support it but love your gay friends, your gay neighbors, your gay family members.