Time for everything

Are there times in your life you wish you would have done something different? Maybe said something more- or at times said something less? Perhaps you wish you would have been nicer or sweeter or maybe you wish you would have stuck up for yourself a little more.

I have recently had so many of those feelings. But instead of dwelling I am attempting to be different. I am being more thoughtful in my actions and making my words mean more. I am feeling more- and I'll tell you what- I love feeling- even bad emotions because feelings make me feel alive!

There is certainly a time for everything. But every time is the time to be loving toward the people you love. No matter what.

And with that I will share my sisters family rules :)

Goodnight. xo

Let go

Today was a sad day. But it was also an amazing day!

I have been working on a project at work for a few years and today was a major day. More details to come.

It was sad because I had a realization- with help of a new counselor. I started seeing a new counselor (I'm a total counseling advocate) last week and in 2 visits I have discovered so much.

I have had such a hard time reconciling my gay self and my Mormon self. They are both very much real and very much apart of me. However, the two create so much pain because they can not exist in harmony (yes, I have rejected the idea of living my life alone without love and without then possibility of family).

My mom and dad and possibly siblings were my first love. I have always said that basketball was my second love but let's be honest. My second love was the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. So much of my identity was developed because my love for and participation in the church. It gave me so much hope and guidance and a sence of self. Until I realized i was gay (around age 14).

At that point the church, or my participation/testimony in it left me depressed feeling like I was a mistake. I began trying to 'pray the gay away.' well- 15 years later I think I am finally getting some insight.

I never grieved the loss of one of the truest loves of my life - my participation in the church. I was told by multiple church leaders that I couldn't participate in the church if I participated in my gayness- which to me is the same as saying I cant participate in the church if I participate in being myself and expressing love. And that is so sad! so I stopped going to church and for the longest time I missed it everyday- just as one might miss their first love. But i never grived. So I'm grieving. And it feels good.

I love the church. I really do. I don't love that I cant be apart of it if I choose to express my love to the person I love. So I am choosing to let go. I am trusting that God knows that he is doing, I trust I will be judged correctly and I trust that I will be just fine.I am tired of feeling sad to be me.

I am done not loving completely.
I am excited.

Art

A little art for my wall. And a little motto for my life.

Graduation

A lot of people I know are graduating soon- like in the next week. People, one person in particular, that I love so dang much is graduating with her masters degree this weekend. And I'm so proud. I always love when people further their education to better themselves and the world as we know it.

Have you ever stopped to think of life as a school or university? And the things we spend our time participating in are the classes we are taking and is eventually what we will graduate in? Facebook101 or realitytv400? How about gossip or unhealthy living? Everything we do is part of the school we are attending and the education we are paying for.

I will start to take classes like friends and family and love and forgiveness and adventure and fun and health. I will fill my time with things that will help me graduate with the degrees I desire- and I desire happy. Success. Love. Forgiveness. I want to master those things. And I don't think reality tv will help me.

I doubt I will be at the graduation for any of the important people in my life this weekend but I will continue to work for my own life graduation. Or my daily graduation. Perhaps everyday we get to choose what class we take?? Perhaps we don't have to wait til the end of our lives.

Today I filled my time with love and self forgiveness. And Harley- which is another word for love- and good friends. I spent too much time online because it ended up making me sad
but I also watched NBA which made me happy. I filled my time missing someone and wishing them well and time working and meditating.

I feel like I graduated in something positive today.

Stay Connected

I have a self help CD series in my car. I listen to it when I drive to and from work- and pretty much everywhere when driving alone. When friends are in the car I turn on the radio to avoid possible jokes about how nerdy I am. Because I am pretty nerdy and the CD series pretty much proves it.

Anyway, I was listening to it this morning on my way to church and a lady was talking about why she loved riding her motorcycle. And I felt like I heard myself talking.

There is never a time when I feel more connected. For safety reasons I have to be away of everything around me- the cars, the road, the trees, the smells, the EVERYTHING! I feel like I am a part of everything that is going on around me and I love that.

As I was being nerdy listening to the lady talk on the CD I wished that I could find ways to be as just as connected to every part of my life as I am while riding a motorcycle.

I am working on being connected to each moment.

I wonder what it would be like to be connected to every moment. To not be distracted by the cell phone or things that happened at work or the problems in a current relationship. You can't think of any of that while on a motorcycle. You can't call a friend when you get bored with the silence. You become comfortable with the silence. And you start to like it.

I am thankful for my motorcycle. I am more thankful for the moments I am connected to the moment. Those moments will become more frequent as I use my energy focusing on it.

I have a beautiful life and the best way to enjoy it is living moment by moment.

Yay!

Pics of the last few months

Enjoy

Runner

I used to say that I wanted to be a runner. Today I will say that I am a runner. I ran 3 miles today. I didn't run them fast and my form probably wasn't very good. But I ran. I am a runner. Maybe I will run 4 miles tomorrow.

I used to say I wanted to be happy. Today I will say that I am happy. Minute by minute I am choosing to be happy. Did you know you can be happy even when sad things happen?

I used to say that I wanted to be spontaneous and live a life of adventure. I jumped in the lake the other day just because. I was in my work clothes. It was fun. My life is an adventure. I like to play like a kid and do things even if they aren't practical.

I used to say I wanted to be healthier. I am healthy. I make good food chocies and sometimes have treats because I love treats and everyone should have a treat every now and again. And I work out. I was at the gym the other morning at 5:30.

I don't want to want. I rather do. It's more fun and rewarding.

Open heart

I crave writing. I think about it often. When I write I become centered. It helps me get to know myself- it reminds me what it important.

Change is coming. Change in the season. Change in my wardrobe. Change in my heart. Change in my life. I don't quite understand it and the change makes me really sad and mad and happy and excited. I would be specific but I don't want to make anything certain. Nothing is certain. And not enough time has passed.

Yesterday was Memorial Day. It is such a weird holiday. We are supposed to think about and honor people who have paid the ultimate price- which I totally and completely support. But what does that even mean? To me it seems the best way to honor anyone who has died, particularly at war, is to love life and freedom and people- to be loving and happy and accepting of differences. Wouldn't it be amazing to not have to have a Memorial Day? To live in a world where people were so excited about life and where differences caused people to learn instead of hate- a world where war no longer existed. It's a good thought. But then I turn on the TV and read the newspaper and I'm reminded of how then world is. I remember how humans are. People hurt the people who are closest to them. Their spouses and kids and themselves. And then I was reminded that I said hurtful things to the person closest to me a few days ago. I felt threatened and maybe a little bit scared and didn't have an open heart. An open heart. I have so many thoughts about open hearts. I want an open heart. Always. Even when it's broken.

Equality

There are a lot of opinions about President Obama but I am thankful for his stance on this particular issue!

I Want To Know What It's Like

I have a lot to catch up on! Man oh man! I haven't had internet in a couple months- or it hasn't been set up right- but I recently moved (details to come) and now I have it!

I have a lot to write about but for now- here is a powerful video I think everyone should see.