Open heart

I crave writing. I think about it often. When I write I become centered. It helps me get to know myself- it reminds me what it important.

Change is coming. Change in the season. Change in my wardrobe. Change in my heart. Change in my life. I don't quite understand it and the change makes me really sad and mad and happy and excited. I would be specific but I don't want to make anything certain. Nothing is certain. And not enough time has passed.

Yesterday was Memorial Day. It is such a weird holiday. We are supposed to think about and honor people who have paid the ultimate price- which I totally and completely support. But what does that even mean? To me it seems the best way to honor anyone who has died, particularly at war, is to love life and freedom and people- to be loving and happy and accepting of differences. Wouldn't it be amazing to not have to have a Memorial Day? To live in a world where people were so excited about life and where differences caused people to learn instead of hate- a world where war no longer existed. It's a good thought. But then I turn on the TV and read the newspaper and I'm reminded of how then world is. I remember how humans are. People hurt the people who are closest to them. Their spouses and kids and themselves. And then I was reminded that I said hurtful things to the person closest to me a few days ago. I felt threatened and maybe a little bit scared and didn't have an open heart. An open heart. I have so many thoughts about open hearts. I want an open heart. Always. Even when it's broken.

Equality

There are a lot of opinions about President Obama but I am thankful for his stance on this particular issue!

I Want To Know What It's Like

I have a lot to catch up on! Man oh man! I haven't had internet in a couple months- or it hasn't been set up right- but I recently moved (details to come) and now I have it!

I have a lot to write about but for now- here is a powerful video I think everyone should see.

Marriage for me

It might be legal for me to get married in Washington is a few short months. It might be legal for a lot of friends to get married, too.

It makes me excited to think that it might be legal. And it makes me a little sad because right now it isn't- and it seems like it should be a human right for anyone to get married if they are in love and want to take that step.

It makes me excited because I have always wanted to get married. I haven’t wanted a domestic partnership or a civil union- I have wanted a marriage. When I was little, before I knew I was gay, I knew that I wanted to be like my parents and other couples who were around me. Or- at least I wanted the option to be like them.

Gay rights is the biggest civil rights issue in my lifetime. And I’m sensitive to it because it (obviously) affects me (almost) daily. Today I was asked how gay women have sex in a mocking, joking way. Completely inappropriate. Yesterday I was asked if I wished I was a boy since I like girls. I turn on the news and see people with signs saying God hates gays. I used to be nervous to hold Becka’s hand- especially when we went to Utah because people would stare. Now Im used to it- or maybe I just don’t care. Some of my gay friends have lost jobs and others have lost their families. I’ve lost friends. And one of the hardest parts of coming to terms with my sexuality was the fact that I couldn't get married- but that is about to change in the state where I live!

I just wonder- I really sincerely wonder- if I get married how will it affect anyone rather than me and my family? The marriage of my loved ones hasn’t changed my life at all- well- perhaps they made me a happier because I see my loved ones happier.

I know there are a lot of taboo feelings regarding gay marriage. Listen to this. It's amazing.

Hopefully someday some of you will be at my wedding to celebrate the marriage to my person! WOOHOO Washington!

pick up the phone when you're smiling

So- a friend and I were talking yesterday and we realized that people in our lives know when things are hard and sad and not going the way we want. We call friends and family crying and spew out every detail of our unfortunate situation. We (or at least I) call day after day until I feel happy or at least happier. When I'm happy perhaps I feel that it isn't important to call day after day. That isn't a good thing.

I called a lot of different people today to tell them I love them. And to tell them that life is wonderful. And beautiful. And that today, I feel happy!

For those of you I didn't call- life is beautiful! And I feel so happy today! And Im so glad that I have the people in my life that I do. I am thankful for the hard things- because hard things create strength. And I'm grateful for my family. and friends. and harley. and my work- and coworkers- but my coworkers are my friends- so they get double mention. I am just grateful for my life. I am grateful for God. I am grateful that God is so good to me.

And I am grateful that I realized I am more used to connecting with people when I'm having a hard time. because I want to stop doing that.

I hope that my happiness is contagious today.

Instagram

Instagram is the new cool social media website. You show pictures to all your followers. But people who don't follow you can see your pictures too.. It's great! I follow a few people that take really great pictures! But it's social media- its another way for people to spy on you and you on other people. Today I learned that one of my friends is pregnant. Learned another person got a tattoo. You can follow crushes and see their activity on the site- you can see who\what they look at. It's fun. And annoying. And beautiful. And amazing. So many things online that make it so we never need to talk to a person to find out what they're up to.

It's soo intriguing. And weird.

And Canada bugs me.

Good things

Good things come from bad situations. I learned that from Ashely Richardson. She told me that a lot but it really didn't ,ram anything to me untilmshe died. Good things really do come from bad situations.. I'm reminded of it often and was reminded of it again yesterday.

Becka and I talked yesterday. A good family friend died and she told me about the memorial of a good family friend that she went to a day prior. It was sad, of course- a good man died way to early of brain cancer. So sad! He was a husband and father and friend to everyone- and I learned that he was a man of God. He was excited to die and go to heaven and meet Jesus. As Becka was telling me about Jim and the memorial I felt happy.

I love god. I love life. I love people. I love goodness. And sometimes it takes bad and sad things to happen to remind me that I love so much. I love my life and my body and my experiences. I didn't know this man, but because the way his life and his death effected Becka, and because Becka and I had a conversation about it, I felt more grateful and happy today. I smiled more. I said thank you to the woman who helped me at the store. I listened to music that made me happy. I prayed and expressed gratitude.

I am thankful for the bad things that happen that remind us how good things are!

Work

This is what I get to look at everyday.

God is good. Life is beautiful!

New Years Resolution/confession

It's January 5th 2012 and it's already been a crazy and extremely interesting year. 

I normally make new years resolutions but not this year. This year I am making a new years resolution. Singular. Just one. And my new years resolution is honesty with myself. And because of that I am going to make a new years confession. 

Becka and I broke up- and I made people believe it was because I was struggling with the church. That was certainly part of it but that wasn't the reason. The reason was because I thought I had feelings for someone else. There you go- as I hang my head.

I went to a bachelorette party at the end of july and got to know another attendee. We did have some kind of connection and I came home thinking about the connection. I wondered why I thought about her- I convinced myself that since I was thinking about her i must have feelings. maybe I did. 

I didn't tell Becka all of the details of what happened  but she knew. She knew me better than i thought. So I broke up with her because I felt too much guilt for not being honest; I was confused, i started thinking of all of the bad in our relationship instead of the good AND  I felt like she deserved better because of what had happened. 

That was in September. Now it's january and there are times I wonder how i Iet it all happen- particularly that way. I know some relationships don't work but they shouldn't end because of dishonesty. 

I miss Becka everyday. She was my best friend. She loved me. I could rely on her. She could rely on me. We were each others people. Not anymore. Before too long, Becka and I will be like strangers. That's what happens when you break up.

Being committed is a choice. I believe there are people that will come in and out of your life that make you feel and/or think certain things. I feel horrible that i went against my moral code! 

So- I am working through my problems regarding church. I am also learning and working through my commitment issues- mainly commitment to myself.

like mentioned this happened months ago. I was a wreck but am finally doing better. I'm having fun. I'm smiling. I'm feeling happy with personal progress. And I'm choosing to spend time with people that make me feel good- people that bring out pod in me.

Though i am ashamed, I'm okay.

Here is to a happy and honest 2012!

Christmas

This is a few days late but Merry Christmas.

During the Christmas break I got to reconnect with friends and extended family- and myself. It was a wonderful Christmas break! Now I am back in Seattle and feel ready to take on the world and enjoy it as much as I possibly can! Bring it.

I went to church on Christmas (i even put on a skirt- which was SO WEIRD! I no longer own a skirt and haven't worn one in over 3 years) and the bishop said that Christmas WAS about presents and I was confused. But then he clarified. It is about presence- not presents.

Christmas is about the presence of people we love. It is about the presence of love in our hearts and the presence of the desire to give. Those are the presence I want in my life. And I can have them everyday.

Christmas is wonderful!

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas, too!