get lost

Man. What a response. I have had about 20 people send emails expressing love and concern. It made me feel good. So thanks!

I (kind of) forgot that people read my blog. I blog just for me. I mean, Im glad that people read it and Im glad that I've been able to help people but I blog for me. I used to journal on my computer but one time when I was coming home from Texas I had to put my computer through the scanner thing- and my hard drive was wiped out. And I didn't have it backed up. It had YEARS of journal entries on it. And they were lost. I was heart broken. Completely heart broken. Blogging is a nice way to kmow that I will always have my thoughts and that's why I blog.

Yes, I am confused. But I am doing okay. And I am working through it. I am dealing with thoughts and feelings that I haven't ever dealt with. Yes. I have felt them before but I ran away from them and/or swept them under the rug. So I am working through them now. I am confused but I am excited and anxious to get this worked out in my own head and heart.

On to other things, I am loving work. I work with Amanda DuBois who is absolutely one of the best people I have ever know. And she has given my so many great experiences. I have been introduced to different incredible organizations. Today I went to a PeaceTrees Vietnam http://www.peacetreesvietnam.org/ luncheon. PeaceTrees is an incredible organization that deactivates live mines. Everyday people, mostly children lose limbs and are sometimes killed because they step on land mines. Incredible that that is happening right now. And now I am involved in helping it stop.

A couple weeks ago I went to a Women's Funding Alliance breakfast http://www.wfalliance.org/. It is an organization that believes in helping and investing in women and girls. If you invest in women and girls, you invest in the world. I was totally inspired listening to the things they do and how I can be involved.

Although there are things that I am personally struggling with, there are people and causes that need me. It is easier to forget and deal with your own pain and your own struggles when you get lost in the service of others.

Gay Mormon

I turn on the TV too much. Sometimes I turn it on just to have back ground noise. But sometimes, or too often, I totally get sucked in. I certainly don't think TV is bad. But I don't want my nights to filled with noise from the TV. I rather noise coming from friends or music or silence.

I think that people underestimate the power of a silence. Or maybe I underestimate the power of silence.

Deep breath.

So- here we go. I'll spill it. Get ready.

In case you've missed it on the news, and Im speaking first hand, being a gay Mormon is hard. Really hard. Perhaps the hardest part is the fact that I can't or haven't found anyone like me. I have found a lot of Mormons. I have found a lot of gays. I have found a lot of gay Mormons that no longer like or associate with the church but I haven't found a gay Mormon who has positive feelings about the church. And I understand why. Most homosexual people that I know believe, as do I, that they were born gay. They didn't have a choice in the matter- so how can they believe in a church or have good feelings for a church that doesn't accept them. How can they have a testimony that God is perfect- but God made them a certain way and won't accept them? It makes sense that they don't like the church. Yesterday a (female) friend explained it like this, "I wouldn't consider joining a men's choir because I'm not a man and they wouldn't let me join- even though I'm a really good singer.... I can't consider being associated with the Mormon church because I'm a homosexual- even though I'm a really good person." Point taken. But what if I believe in the church? What if I have a testimony in Joseph Smith? Because I do. But there is not a place for me in the Mormon church. I mean, there is- if I decide to live as a single woman. But how could I ever choose to do that after experiencing love? I was in trouble the first time I heard Jamie Justice laugh. It wasn't love at first sight- it was more like love at first listen. Sounds ridiculous. But seriously. At the young age of 21 my soul connected with another in ways that don't happen to a lot of people. And I have experienced different but similar things since. So how could I choose to live alone? It seems impossible.

However, I am currently living alone. Becka and I broke up. We broke up about 2 months ago.

Things were good between us. But then, after 2.5 years, we started getting more serious about committing our lives to each other- you know, like forever. We talked about a wedding and kids and a house and everything a couple might talk about when deciding if/when to take the next step in their relationship. Something happened to us, or to me, during those conversations. Perhaps it made it too real that I am a happily gay Mormon-i know, that makes absolutely no sense. It made me wonder how many of my friends and family would come to my gay wedding celebration. It made me wonder if people would really be excited for me when they learned that I or my partner was having a baby. I wondered if they would be excited. Or if they'd feel bad for the baby.

I got sad. The sadness is one of the reasons a gap started to form.

Perhaps I needed (or will some day need) to forget about the worry and allow people to act and react however they will. Perhaps people would be really excited for me. Perhaps there would be no judgement. Perhaps I am the only person who is guilty of judging right now.

Moving on. www.mormon.org. I love it! Last night I watched a lot of those little videos. The marketing/PR person who thought of that campaign is a genius. I was totally inspired. I imagined what I would say if I were to make a video.

"Hi, my name is Chelsea Nelson. I live in Seattle, Washington where I work and play and enjoy the beauty that is always around me. Washington is an amazingly beautiful place. I love Heavenly Father and know He loves me too- I just have to open my eyes to be reminded of His love. My name is Chelsea. I am a daughter. An entrepreneur. A lover of nature. And I am a (gay)Mormon." Shoot. That doesn't work. I became jealous of all of the people who proclaimed their love for their husband and wife and their kids. I want to do the same. Having a family is the only consistant thing I have ever wanted.

But then, I went to www.affirmation.org. Check it out. A website that is for gay and lesbian Mormons. I wish they had a Seattle chapter. Some of the people on the site are so bitter but most seem to be in a similar place that I am in. I found this site yesterday. Perhaps it will give me some clarity.

My mom just called. She is in Minnesota visiting Jami, Dave and the kiddos. I talked to Addison for a quick minute. Her little voice made me tear up.

Im on my period. Perhaps that is why I am so emotional. Perhaps you can sense my confusion. After 28 years, I wish it would go away.

Later.

learning

I am starting to journal again. I haven't done it in years. And journaling has taken priority over blogging. Sometimes Im not a good multitasker. Shame on my. Because I love to blog!

I was in a self-help seminar type class about 2.5 years ago- Vision Quest. I wrote about some of it. I am writing in the same journal I wrote in while taking Vision Quest. It was given to me by a woman who I was in the class with. And it has been fun to read a few of the entries from that time. I was so happy. I was so confident.

4-9-09

"Ive learned a lot a lot in the past few months. Ive learned a lot in the past few weeks. it seems Ive had a lot of opportunities to widen my horizons the last while. First and most important, Ive learned that I will always need and crave my mom. No matter my age. I love her. I adore her. I hope to be like her. Ive learned not everyone is going to like me- and that's okay. If people don't like me it doesn't mean Im a bad person- and it doesn't mean I need to stop liking or loving them. I have learned that its important to believe in yourself- and not in the cheesy, cliche way- Im talking REALLY believing in yourself. And accepting and believing compliments that are given to you. Believe them. And let them sink in. Soak it up! I am pretty. I am a good person. I am smart! I am deserving and worthy of every good thing. Yes, yes I am all of those things and I am so much more than those things. I have learned that realizing and accepting truths- good and bad- will change me. I have learned that I don't need anyone else to be happy. The last year has been rough. I broke up with Jamie, move to WA, moved away from everyone I love, tried to date a few people in WA, got into horrible relationships and started to feel horrible about myself. I tried to find happiness within someone else. Now I am a lone- and I feel so happy. I want to find someone- hopefully the next person I date will be the last but Im loving this alone time. Ive gotten to know myself again. I do things for me. I spend time thinking and writing and praying and I don't have another person to hide behind. I like me. I love me. I like the kinds of things I think about when Im alone. I like how I feel about strangers. I like that I hum church songs when I am driving in my car. I like that I want to change the world. I've relearned what I want in a partner. I want someone who is committed and excited about doing good. I want someone who loves herself and loves God and people. I want someone who adores kids- and someone who wants a family. I want someone who adores me and who makes me want to be a better person. I've learned that I am completely obsessed with the NBA. I have a hard time falling asleep until I know the scores and watch the highlights. Ive learned that nobody gets me as excited as my little nephew Tolman. Jame and Tol came to visit last weekend and I had the time of my life. I love pretending I am 4 right along side him. I have relearned that I love being a Nelson. I am more proud to be connected to them than I am most things. Nelson's are strong. We are fighters. And we have an everlasting love for each other. I have learned that I can be okay. I am okay. I am more than okay. I am happy.
My life is entirely different now than I ever thought it would be but Im learning that different is okay. I smile everyday- the smile is seen on my face but felt in my soul.
I am an artist and my life is my canvas. And I am creating a masterpiece."

I want to put that confidence and excitement in a bottle and drink it for breakfast.

beautiful life

what a beautiful life i have.

i have a family that loves me
and a girlfriend that adores me
i have eyes that can see
and ears that can hear
and thank goodness for that because i see and hear the most beautiful things
i have a mind that is powerful
and determination that guides me
i have a spirit that craves adventure
and a body that follows
i have hope to change the world
and the knowledge that i already have
i have the expectation to be the best i can
and to make others better too
i have dreams for what will be
and excitement because my life is my dream coming true.

what a beautiful life i have.

Thoughts

I went to see Brett Dennen in concert on Tuesday. I love his music. His last song was Blessed is this life. I have been singing it to myself since. "Blessed is this life- I want to celebrate being alive...) Love it. And I am celebrating being alive.

Watching Wipeout makes me laugh out loud every time I watch it. I am watching it now.

A couple weeks ago I went on a walk with Harley and walked by a HUGE hole in the ground. An apartment building is being built. There were trucks and cranes and huge pipes in the hole. I become completely lost in wonder about the creation of world as we know it. Not the world as in Earth- but everything that is on the earth. Homes, the things in our homes, cars, clothes, food, life- the process of creation of the things in this world as pretty amazing.

I have never been happier in my own skin. Not ever. And it seems like people are noticing. I had an experience this last weekend that I will remember for the rest of my life. I was at one of Becka's best friends wedding. We stayed at this cool summer camp resort type place with all the other wedding guests for the entire weekend- most of the guests were people I didn't know. The last night we were there I got pulled aside by Linda- an older woman from Colorado who told me she had been watching me since the weekend began and noticed a magnetic positive energy around me. She told me that she noticed my confidence and said she wished all people felt as comfortable in their own skin as I felt in mine. I was shocked to hear what she was saying and tears spilled out of my eyes. I have come along way the last couple years and I know who I am.

Harley went to dog boot camp for 2 weeks. He is much more mellow and wants to cuddle all the time.

I miss my family everyday. My family is spread out across the country right now. Jami and Dave are in Minnesota with their kiddos while Dave finishes medical residency. Curtis is visiting them right now. Nils is in Mississippi for a summer internship. Jess is currently in Heber getting ready to run the Ragnar race tomorrow. And I am in Seattle.

I miss my life in Logan, too. I guess my life in Logan was life before I became an adult. I didn't worry much about bills, I played in the mountains on (almost) a daily basis, I lived and worked and played with my best friends, my job changed lives every single day and it seems I was always tan. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever live in Utah again. I hope I do.

This summer I am going to go camping as often as possible. And no, summer hasn't started here yet. I hope it starts soon. I want to remember what its like to wear shorts and tshirts.

Grass and weeds and everything else green grows so much faster in Washington than Utah. I should mow the lawn 2 times a week. I don't. I only mow it once a week. And that seems like a lot. And I should weed even more than that. I don't. I have become that neighbor noone wants to have.

That's all for now.

things are the same

I crave to blog sometimes. I certainly have been lately. I think about it everyday but it seems other things take priority. I have to work, mow the lawn, change the laundry- never enough time to sit and blog. Since so much time has passed since my last posting, it seems a little daunting because there are so many things I want to write about. Luckily for me and my blog, I am sick and don't feel like doing anything but sit on my couch and let my fingers blab.

Let me start by saying life is great! Life is really, really great and really weird, too. A couple nights ago Becka and I were talking about the fact that most days are the exact same. A common conversation we have is, "What do you have going on tomorrow?" which has turned into a silly conversation because everyday is pretty much the same. I get up, go to work, come home to take care of Harley, workout, continue to work or hang out with friends or clean up around the house, come home, get ready for bed and go to sleep. Of course we need to throw in meals and bathroom breaks but that is my day Monday-Friday. Becka's is something like, get up, go for a run, go to internship, go to work, go to school, come home, get ready for bed, go to bed. But we insist on asking the question almost every night.

Anyway- moving on- although life is somewhat the same day after day, I am really happy and live my days with purpose. I wake up excited to do the same thing over. It sounds silly but my work has changed my life. Ha- that sounds really silly and super cheesy- but its true. Nearly a year ago I met Dana Peterson and the 2 of us have created Home Benefit Network- a company that is helping our community. I'll give more info about HBN later- for now I'll just say that it has been an incredible blessing to be apart of the creation of such an amazing company!

Something else that has been really cool- I have gotten involved with a local ropes course. I managed the Utah State University Ropes Course and absolutely loved it. I also helped with Build several elements at Brighton Girls Camp- I love ropes courses. They introduced and got me involved with motivational speaking and team building workshops and when I moved here I started missing that kind of work. When I was introduced to the The Waterhouse Center, I knew I had to get involved. I recently helped build their website and am helping them with business/marketing plans. I am so glad to be apart of such a powerful place. Ropes Courses change lives- they have changed mine and I have seen them change many, many peoples as well.

This is me trying to stand on top of the Perch- my favorite ropes course event. It is a 30 foot power pole and the goal is stand on top of it and jump for a trapeze bar. Awesome!

Becka and I got to take a break from our daily routine and spend 10 days in Sayulita, Mexico. I know I have written a little about this already but here is some more- with pictures. I loved going to Sayulita! I had never been so happy to go on vacation. I almost forgot what warm, dry weather was like. And not only did we go to a warm, dry place, Sayulita is one of the coolest places I have ever been. It is a little surf town about 30 miles north of Puerta Vallerta. It is really chill- super nice people, great food on every corner, live concerts on the beach every night, a lot of things to do- surfing, fish, hike, RELAX- it was great and much needed! What a view! This was taken from the balcony of our casita. There was a pathway that we walked down every morning that led straight to the beach!

We relaxed on the beach everyday and waited for the beach vendors to come sell us their goodies. Every time this candy vendor came close, Becka's eyes would get really big and she got semi giddy. I don't think Becka would admit this, but I might argue that her favorite part of Mexico, besides being with me, was the candy wheel barrow! :)So this was kinda cool- we were in Mexico at the same time some guys I work with were- but they were staying in Punta Mita and they were there to golf not to play and relax on the beach. Punta Mita is about a 30 minute cab ride away from Sayulita. They guys invited us to stay at their house for a day- and this is where we stayed. It was incredible- a place I will never forget. Perhaps this is the place I get married. :)

This was cool, too. Becka found a guy who takes people on his catamaran sail boat. Normally this guy takes 10+ people but everyone canceled the morning of so Becka and I felt like we had this huge sailboat to ourselves. It was great- a day where my gal and I got to be on a private boat tour in the middle of the ocean. Awesome.
Our last night in Mexico was spent in Puerta Vallerta. We didn't love the city because we were comparing it to Sayulita- but it was nice and warm and hello-we were in Mexico so it was great! We stayed at the Marriott and met a great couple from California who told us about a restaurant that we had to try- and I'll tell you what, it was incredible! Casa Isebella! If you ever go to Puerta Vallerta, you have to go. The food was fabulous and the view- man- the view was out of a postcard.

I loved being in Mexico! It was so nice to be with Becka for 10 days on the beach with all responsibilties left in Seattle. But then we came back and our responsibilities were waiting for us. We were refreshed and TAN and ready to take them on. :) Back to the grind we went....

How Great Thou Art

If I could sing, I would sing songs like this. Songs like this speak the feelings of my soul. Well done, Carrie!

how is your family?

I had a fun day yesterday. But then, out of nowhere I got really sad.

Becka and I did something kinda different yesterday with people we normally don't hang out with. But I think we will start hanging out with these people more. So, to make the story short, we basically went to an event with some friends who introduced us to people we didn't know- their friends and coworkers (some gay, some not).

After the event we went to grab some food and chit chat. I made my rounds- chatting with everyone and I really enjoyed the conversations. I love meeting new people. But then I got sad. I started chatting with 3 gay women who were super nice and great. We talked about where we're from, what brought us to Seattle, how we like Seattle etc... But then, the question that seems to always come up among the gays. "How is your family with it?" In other words, ' does your family still love you because you're gay?' 'do you talk to your family now that they know you're gay?' 'do you have to lie to your family because you are gay?' I beam when people ask me how my family is with my lifestyle- I tell them that my parents should teach a class on how to be awesome! But it makes me sad that the family question even comes up. Im sad that one of the things I have in common with every other gay person is the possibility that our family relationships have been altered significantly because we choose to be honest with ourselves, our families, and sometimes the world about who we are. I started imaging my siblings and straight friends having the same conversation that I have. "how did your parents react when you told them that you found the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with?" "they told that this is a phase and that I'm not welcome in their home until the phase is over." Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? Too bad that is many peoples reality.

So, once again, my family is the bomb! I am me. I was born being me. And they love me and because of their love I have learned to love me, too.

Ive been thinking about...

General Conference- General Conference was today and yesterday. It only happens twice a year- in April and October. I remember loving General Conference- I looked forward to it for months and would do all that I could to prepare. I still get excited for Conference but it is different. Instead of making sure I watch it live, I read the talks after they are published. Sometimes I miss the excitement that I used to feel. The excitement that I feel about most religion type thing has faded. Spirituality on the other hand makes my insides scream- or whatever people have within themselves that inspires them, motivates them and/or makes them want to be better. The circle of life- whatever that means- but my mom and I recently had a conversation about the circle of life. My grandpa is getting older and isn't expected to be around much longer. But who knows what 'much longer' means. It could mean a few months or, knowing my grandpa, it could mean a couple years. Either way, my mom is sad because she realizes that her time with her dad is winding down. She knows that it is all part of the 'circle of life' but regardless, it makes her sad- and she hates to see her dads health failing. And that conversation got me thinking, my mom and I are in a similar boat. In the past year+ I have watched my moms health fade and wonder how much time I have left with her. And although at times when I have those thoughts my heart is broken, I know that whenever she goes, or whenever anyone goes, death is part of the 'circle of life.' And then I think of Japan- and I have no idea what to think about the 'circle of life.' Logan- I absolutely love Logan. I miss it. I miss the small town, I miss my friends, I miss my house (although I am wanting to sell it so if you want to purchase a small but great home in Logan, let me know!! ), I miss knowing somewhere every place I went. I miss the ropes course and I miss the mountains. I miss that most weekends I would go on an adventure- climbing, camping, hiking, motorcycle riding, skiing, snowshoeing- whatever it was- there was always some kind of adventure. I miss the sweet old ladies who lived on my block. I miss 1st Dam and 2nd and I really miss Green Canyon. Geez. i miss a lot of things about Logan. I will always love Logan. Basketball- I have watched a lot of basketball with March Madness and I have been in heaven. I don't follow college basketball much but I do love watching it. It makes me miss it. I can watch it and almost imagine that I am playing. I love the game. It is so pretty to me. I am fasinated when I watch. Watching basketball is like watching fire. I could do it for hours and not realize time passes. Im so happy about March Madness! Rain- It seems most people in Seattle talk about the rain. It rains a lot here. No doubt. People are locked in their houses- or in doors at least. When friends call to hang out, we discuss where we can go to eat- people nobody wants to play in the rain. But here is the thing- I like playing in the rain. In Bothell, where I lived a year ago, I used to run in the rain and kayak and ride my bike. I would sit on the deck with an umbrella just so I could smell the rain. But in the last few months I have discovered that I am staying inside more, that I am calling friends and inviting them to go somewhere to eat- instead of going somewhere to do. So tonight as it was raining I decided I wanted to go outside. I went out and dewinterized the bbq and made myself a turkeyburg. I was outside getting poured on. And I was happy. I think I even laughed outloud to myself. I don't want the rain to lock my up anymore. Getting wet can be fun!