Skykomish

Last weekend I wanted to get out of Seattle. I wanted to be in the mountains. Sometimes I crave the mountains but for some reason I don't visit them nearly much as I want to or used to. I have realized that I took for granted that I literally lived minutes away from Logan canyon- the 30 minute drive (without traffic) seems far.

So Friday afternoon I talked to Becka and asked her/told her that we were going to Skykomish for the weekend. It was just what the doctor ordered. We saw some waterfalls, made leaf piles, threw the tennis ball in the river for Harley, spent time in the hot tub, and went to Leaveworth. I didn't take as many pictures as I should have but here is a mini preview of the weekend.


I am so thankful to live in such a beautiful place and to have a body that allows me to enjoy it. I am thankful for the sights- the trees, the sky, the leafs, the river, the everything! I love the smells and the sounds and how my insides feel when Im in the mountains. I love the mountains. I love Skykomish.

Change

I am changing my world. And I'm happy about it!

There is so much anger that has been communicated in the past few days via facebook and blogs and the news and, well, everywhere. And I'm over it. And I want to change it. So I am going to change it- at least for me. 

There is a protest in SLC tomorrow. It will be on the church headquaters. I wish I could go. I wish I could organize it. I would take all the protesters and teach them I am a Child of God. and we'd walk and sing our little hearts out. Of course there will be people there who don't believe in God so they obviously wouldn't believe they are a child of God. But that is besides the point. The point would be to communicate respect and observation we are more the same than we are different. We are all people. We all want love and acceptance. And a lot of us, despite differences, love God. Personally,  I would want to sing my testimony that I know I am a child of God and that my gay peers are, too. I would want to communicate that we know that the LDS church disapproves of our lifestyle but we still love God and a lot of us have a personal relationship with Him and are relying on His final judgement-rather than the daily judgements we are receiving. Some of us can't believe in Him. Maybe its because our circumstances are too sad. It is hard to believe a loving Heavenly Father would allow our life happenings to actually happen (being kicked out of our houses, contemplating suicide, constant harassment, lies to stay worthy, etc..) so a belief in God is wiped away. Or maybe the idea of a God just doesn't make sense. But like I said, those differences are small. We are all more alike than different.

I am hopeful that society will come to an agreement that the single thing that makes us the same is we all want to be loved and accepted. and it all starts with individuals. I will make it start with me. 

I am changing my world.

My day

Who am I kidding? I didn't become a regular blogger until I 'came out' but decided I didn't want to only focus on gay topics or being a gay person. I am other things too you know. I am good at basketball. I'm not a good singer but really, really wish I was. I am can sale just about anything. I consider most people my friend-or a potential friend and I have worlds cutest dog. But gosh dang it, despite all of that, I feel like I am being forced to focus on gay type issues.

My name is Chelsea Nelson and I will continue with my story.

I don't need to start with a horrible episode in the life of Chelsea. I don't need to give the details of the day I went to Bill Bernards garage with a gun with the plan to shoot myself. Or a day of the years of severe depression when I pleaded to God to take my life so I could stop thinking about doing it. I don't need to talk about how hard it was to wear the smile that I put on my face throughout middle and high school or how it felt like every word of praise from family and friends were the things that kept me alive. I will start by telling you about today.

Today started great! It was a beautiful day in Seattle! I swear, the day I neglect to see the beauty of this place is the day I will move. I got up, got ready for work, and was on my way. I was stuck in traffic-which is typical- so I turned on music and sang with the radio. I had 2 big meetings today so I rehersed my presentations in my head and then outloud. I looked good this morning- I recently bought some new work clothes which included 2 new suits and today I wore the black one. When I got to work 2 coworkers were sitting in my office. Sidenote: I started my new job about 2 months ago and decided to bring in a few pictures yesterday. One of my family. One of my neice and nephew. And one of Becka (my girlfriend) and I. My coworkers started to tell me that my family is beautiful and that Tol and Addi are the cutest kids they've seen. Then one asked who my friend was. I said, 'That's my girlfriend Becka." "Why don't you have pictures of your other girlfriends?" "No. She is my girlfriend- my partner." Blank stare. "I am gay." "Oooooh" Blank stare. Awkward silence. "We need to get back to work." They left.

A few minutes later one of them comes back.

"Sorry about that. Sue (not real name) isn't comfortable with gay people." "Oh thats okay." "We had wondered if you were gay. We asked Joe (not real name) if you were last week and he said he thought so." "Well, Joe was right." "Oh sorry-was that awkward?" "Umm, yes. But its okay. Next time you have a question about my personal life, feel free to ask me." "Sorry Chelsea. I better get back to work."

Then later from same person via email. work stuff. blah blah blah- but this is how it ended. "I just saw all these reports of gay teen suicides on facebook. What do you think about all of this."

This, among a lot, lot more is what I wanted to say.

These kids killed themselves because they don't feel like people. They don't feel like people because people treat them like aliens. These kids were taught in elementry school that they can be whatever they want to be. They can be doctors, professional athletes, artists, musicians, ANYTHING- except gay. It's true. Kids learn from adults. They learn from TV. Kids are smart. They listen to what we say. And what are we saying? Gays can't get married, gays can't serve in the military- they can die for their country but only if they lie about who they are, and they can't be a member of a church they absolutely believe in and love.

I wanted to continue with, "please don't bring up my personal life anymore. And I wont bring up yours either. And if we become friends later on and we have a sincere interest in each others lives, then we can talk about these kinds of things."

Now I am home and I am going to get ready to go to the gym. After that, I am going to eat dinner and get ready for tomorrow, and maybe read a book. And I am going to respond to a few emails from friends who wrote to express their acceptance after the talk given by Elder Packer. And I am going to tell them that I still love the church. Because I do.

Love is the only thing I believe in right now.

Conference

I don't know how I feel right now. I feel confused and sad but I feel kind of empowered too. General Conference was on today and I watched some of it. I watched Boyd K Packers give his talk about pornography and same sex attraction, being gay, and how marriage should be between a man and a woman.

My opinion? My opinion is kids die from talks like that. Seriously.

Read this and while you're at it, read this, too.

There were times I went to bed hoping I wouldn't wake up the next morning. I took bottles of advil, benedryl, and a prescription drug (that I can't remember the name of) on different occasions because I didn't want to be gay. My biggest fear was that I'd be a disappointment to my family, to my friends, to my church, and to my God- and I rather have died than do that.

Luckily for me, most of my attempts to leave this world were naive and didn't cause anything more than a sick stomach and really long naps. But I am a lucky one. Too many leave this world-or are taken from this world from people who hate us because of our sexual orientation.

I'm not going to say that Elder Packer is wrong. I don't know if what he said wrong. All I know is that I have had spiritual experiences where I have felt that I am okay being me. I have felt and continue to feel that God loves me- all of me- even the gay part of me.

Even if you agree with what Elder Packer said, I, a gay woman, who tried for the majority of my life not to be gay, continue to plead for what I have always pleaded for- love, acceptance, and tolerance. Don't support gay marriage if you can't support it but love your gay friends, your gay neighbors, your gay family members.

Wanderings

Seattle Storm. They are a WNBA team. They are currently in the WNBA Finals. The series is 2-0 for Seattle. They are playing the Atlanta Dream. The Storm haven't lost a game this year at home. Lauren Jackson, their center, was the 2010 MVP. And nobody knows about it. In fact, tonight was game 2 (in Seattle) and I, living in Seattle, couldn't even watch the game because I don't have a fancy cable package. And I find it to be ridiculous. (can you imagine the NBA or NFL or World Cup or any other FINALS of a popular sport not being on TV?!)

Wipeout is on right now. Hilarious!  My friend/old Brighton Camp Director is on there and I can't stop laughing. Teva, I'm envious. I would love to be on Wipeout- but Im convinced I would be in bed for a good week with an aching body if I ever did get on the show. 

I get family sick at least once a month. Which is better than daily-like I did about a year ago. I have an incredible family and I wonder when I will live close to them again. Sometimes I wish it was now. I wish it was now when I get family sick. When I think about other aspects of living in Utah, I hope never.

I got a new job a few months ago and couldn't be happier with my employment. I look forward to work everyday. And Im good at it. And I work with people who believe in me- which makes me believe in myself more. Isn't it funny how that works? 

Harley is still the cutest dog. I look forward to seeing him everyday and he looks forward to see me everyday too. People still stop me on the street and tell me he is the cutest dog they have ever seen. And I love it when that happens. Every time.

I worked out today. Twice. I did P90X and played basketball. I laughed a lot at work. I took Harley for a short walk. Becka sent me a really nice message that made me choke up a little. Friends came over for dinner. They left. My mind started to wander and this entry is the result.

Now it is time to relax.

Nie Nie

For the last year or so I have been a reader of the Nie Nie Dialogues and yesterday I clicked on the website and watched this amazing video. I am touched. I am inspired. I want to be more like Stephanie Nielson.

I want to know what my purpose is. I want to feel peace in what I am doing. I want to have my priorties right where (I think) they should be.

I like feeling inspired. I like wanting to be better. I love reading the stories of real life people who are changing the world with love.

I want to change the world with love.

Every time I see a nose qrinkle from a smile, I think of you. I think of you when I see the color green or talk to someone who I know won't let anything get in the way of their dreams. I think of you when I see a Sportage or a Dodge truck or a car that is that (ugly) purple color. When I see beautiful sunsets or people enjoying a meaningful, thought provoking conversation, or red rocks, I think of you. When I am having a bad day and want to be cheered up or have ideas about changing the world, I think about you. When I hear certain songs- particularly those funny heavy medal songs you used to like, I think of you. I think of you when I have good news or when people get sick or when I'm in the mood to goof around.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, even after all this time, I miss you.

It's too bad that some things change. Things like death and distance and differences. I guess its all part of life though.

I am better because of you.

Be remarkable.

Silly

I like to be silly.

When I hear music I like to dance- even when I'm alone. Even when I'm walking down the street. Even when I'm at work or with people I don't know. For date nights I like to finger paint. I like to sit on overpass bridges and watch cars go by. I like to get on my hands and knees and play with my dog pretending that I'm a dog too. I like setting my tent up on my bed and pretend I'm camping during the week. I like playing with Tol and Ad because I like playing imagining with them. I like to listen to the Glee soundtrack and sing every word while pretending to be a really good singer. Wouldn't it be fun if my life was a musical? I like to sing instead of talk. I like to cook dinner in the firepit in the backyard. I like to climb trees. I like to explore and find pretty rocks. and sticks. I like to lay on my back and see shapes in the clouds. I like to pick berries and I like to get dirty while doing it. I like to skip instead of walk.

I like to be silly.

I hope I always like to be silly.

Laughter

Laughter is the best medicine. It is the best everything- the best activity, the best past-time, the best pick-me-up- the best date, the best everything! And I have to admit, I laughed harder than I can remember last week. I was with my family in Moab- and felt like a giddy little kid again. It had been years since my family had been on a family vacation- and it was concluded that we have to do it way more often- because we become closer (which is hard to imagine), and have soo much fun!

We spent our time hiking, exploring, talking, laughing, swimming, and wishing that our time there wouldn't run out. Being there with Tolman and Addison was a real treat- watching them hike around and become excited about the littlest things was a reminder that we should all strive to be like children. Curtis and I hiked around all the big rocks, and went cliff jumping, and we talked. Curtis and I always have good talks. Nils was the work horse. He carried everyones gear- including the kids and I always become captivated by his wisdom and dedication to goodness. Jess cheered everyone up and kept our spirits up. She is quirky and funny and she doesn't get scared-even when she jumps off high cliffs. I cherish every conversation I have with Jami. She is my sound and solid voice. And she was such a trooper! She had a little precedure a few days before Moab, and she still did it all! And my parents are hilarious and truly inspiring! My mom lugged around her oxygen tank to every place we went. And my dad was at her side helping her. They laughed together and sang songs together and continued their example of love. I caught myself smiling just looking at my parents. They make me happy. The best kind of happy.

On the last day of our time in Moab, Becka and I decided to rent a jeep and explore areas in Moab. We took the top off and cruised on top of cliffs, in little streams, and up steep hills. It was insane and amazingly cool! Our first stop was Gemini Bridges and the second was Onion Creek Canyon. Let me just say that during our second stop, Onion Creek Canyon, we all laughed harder than we could remember. My mom was pounding the dash board and stomping her feet because she was laughing so hard. She couldn't breathe. It was sooo good for the soul to laugh that hard while being in 0ne of the most beautiful of all creations. It was the kind of laughter that came from the heart. True happiness. Perfection. The best kind of laughter. I was in heaven.

I was more than delighted that Becka was able to be there! She is part of the family and adds so much happiness to my life. She is an amazing person! Everything is better when she is around. I love you, Becka!

Thanks to the Richardson family for this amazing trip!

PRIDE

Taking a little break from the health kick- and writing about Pride.

This weekend is PRIDE weekend in Seattle. And I must say, I haven't looked forward to a weekend as much as I am looking forward to this weekend in a long time.

I am happy to me. I like me. If I weren't me, I would want to be my friend. I have pride in who I am. And this weekend I am going to celebrate!

I have spent some time learning about the history of Pride weekends- when and why they started. Pride started in New York City in 1969 when a group of gay people fought back againt government groups that persecuted sexual minorities. This particular event is referred to as the Stonewall Riots. It certainly is an interesting thing to be studied. But it makes me wonder- Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks and people like them are heroes for fighting for equal rights- but the individuals who fought and continue to fight for a different kind of equal rights remain nameless.

I went to Pride last year- but I didn't feel pride. I looked around and wondered if anyone was looking or judging and I felt bad. I felt bad to be me.

So what has changed in one year?

I have had so many silent conversations with myself, and with God. See, the thing is, I didn't want to be gay. There was a time I rather die than be gay. And unfortunatly, parts of me did die because of the self hatred. But then it hit me, I must be okay- because God made me. And that confidence has grown and grown- and I know that I am okay. And I am thankful that God loves me.

Today I am the best version of myself simply because I love freely and fully and without fear.

Everyone should celebrate Pride weekend. Everyone should have Pride in themselves and who they are.

Thought I would share some pictures of the best things and people in my life!