Update

Today I checked my email account that I hardly ever check. And I got 7 emails from people asking that I please not stop writing about my experiences and feelings of coming out. I was happy but surprised that my little blog has helped a few people...so I will continue writing...

I showed my friend Pam (who is also gay) my coming out entry today. After she read it we talked a lot about coming out...but more about how its sad that people who are in the closet aren't able to love who they want-particularly themselves.

I literally thank God everyday that I felt I could tell my family and friends that I'm gay. I only wish it would have happened sooner. I also thank Him that I have the family and friends I do...because they have been super duper supportive. I wish everyone who has come out had the family I have...

Since I have come out I have had a lot of amazing experiences. I have for the first time in my life been able to be fully honest with my family and friends. I have been able to build a stronger and more honest relationship with God. I have visited rooms within myself that I didn't know exsisted. I feel happier. I feel healthier even.

There are things that have been hard though. Some of my friends have told me that I can't be apart of their lives anymore. When I think about those responses, my heart breaks. I am still haunted by past decisions which are hard...I wish everyday that I would have come out sooner. That I would have been honest with my family and friends long before I was. I would have freed myself of so much self hatred...and would have saved some pain that others, particularly the person I was with, felt too.

So, in response to the emails that I read today...in some ways my life hasn't changed at all. I am still the same ol Chel that I have always been. I have a passion for life and love and people. But in other ways...ways that aren't so noticable at the surface-I am completely different. When I look in the mirror I know who and what I am looking at. I feel like a person and I don't have to fight with myself. I feel peace.

I certainly haven't found all the answers but I have stopped looking for them. I have learned that instead of looking for answers I should just live and they will come. And if they don't come, you don't need them. I live and try to be my very best self and do good things. I surround myself with good people and good books and other good things.

I want my life to be associated with goodness. And it can be. So I am happy.

(Had to throw in a picture of my Christmas present because it also makes me real real happy! Thanks Santa!)

2009

My single New Years Resolution is to have 2009 be my best yet. To have eyes to see the good and beautiful things in my life. Days like today make that easy.

There are a few specific things I am going to do this year that will kep my year be the best yet...I am going to learn to play the guitar, write, and make a real effort to stop caring what people think...as long as I am doing my best and being my best, that's all thats important.

2008 was hard. The last couple months may be the hardest of my life...but I'm so excited to move forward! I have a new sense of self and a new found motivation and desire to succeed. I love myself and love that I have been freed of the fear I've been living with for so long. I'm glad I finally feel the peace I've been searching for-the kind of peace that only honesty can bring.

2009 is going to be fabulous! How could it not? Look at my backyard.

The greatest part about my life is I can create with it what I want. And I want to be happy!

Friends

Hi everyone. Today I am so, so thankful!!!

I got back to Washington early this morning...around 3 am. It was a good drive. I was glad that I didn't have to do it alone. Erika was an all-star-driving a lot of the way so I could sleep and have someone to talk to.

Being home was amazing for me. It seemed to go by too quickly. It was the first time since I came out that I dared to interact with close friends. I guess I was nervous to before...wondering how they would react and treat me. I wondered what they would say about me and how my gayness would effect our relationships. Well, I have an announcement!!! I have worlds best friends and (like I have mentioned time and time before) family!!!!!!

There are a lot of people I have lost contact with since high school, camp, and college but it was so great reconnecting over the holidays and talk openly about ALL aspects of life. I am pleased to announce that although some of the most important people in my life don't understand (which is okay because I don't understand either), they love me and still think I'm great. I actually had a few people tell me they love me more because I am finally sharing my entire self with them...instead of bits and pieces. I am thankful.

So here I am back in Washington with a heart that is so happy. I am happy that I associate with the kind of people I do. They are so, so beautiful to me and they make my life better and motivate me to be better.

So thanks guys! Really. With all the sincerity and thanks that a person can extend...thank you. Thank you for seeing me as a person-the same person you saw before. Thank you for talking and crying and loving with me.

This year

After 14 hours I arrived at my parents home last night.

14 hours in the car is a long time. But, I dare say, I feel like it wasn't long enough. I loved my drive...(even though at the end my legs and bum were so, so sore and continued to be sore throughout the night) Having that much time in a car forced me to get to the core of myself and feel and think.

I thought about my year and things I have learned. It's been a good year. A hard year-perhaps the hardest of my life-but I have learned some important life lessons.

I have learned that you cannot love fully without fully loving yourself. I have learned that honesty is the most freeing of all things. I have learned words are powerful. Actions are even more powerful. And neither can be taken back. I have learned that time is the most precious and valuable of all things. And most importantly, I have learned that happiness cannot be obtained anywhere or from anything except within the walls of your own self.

I look forward to this new year and the things that await me.

snow?

Who said it didn't snow in Seattle??

It does.

It's snowing now and I am loving it!

Celebration of Life

I went to a Celebration of Life today. Paul was certain that he wanted to have a Celebration of Life rather than a funeral for his sweet wife Lyn.

I was inspired.

I hardly knew Lyn. She lived in my basement for a couple months. I only talked to her a handful of times. But I talked and still talk to her husband everyday. I got to know Lyn fairly well today. What a wonderful woman-a woman who I would like to be more like!

Her eyes only saw beauty. She was excited to be alive and thanked God for her life daily. She loved children and her family and her husband. Most of all, she loved God.

She battled with cancer for nearly 8 years and throughout her battle she still saw beauty and kept her amazing outlook on life.

I am blessed to have known her-even for a short time.

Time

Time is weird.

A couple weeks ago I was laughing and visiting with the lady who lives in the basement apartment where I live. She died Friday morning. She died of cancer.

Six months ago I was living and working in Utah. Now I go to visit Utah and when I refer to home I am referring to Washington.

The people I talked to everyday a year ago are people I never talk to now. The people I went to high school with, college with, the people I lived with...most are just memories now. Weird. Perhaps I catch up with some (can I even call it 'catch up) when I read their blogs or send an occasional email with the basic "How are you? What have you been up to?" But most of my very best friends from the past are people I hardly know.

Time allows people to fall in love and fall out of love. Time creates best friendships. Time allows hearts to heal. Time allows headaches to go away. It allows them to develop too. Time, about 9 months of time, creates a functional human. It creates a life.

I saw a picture of myself the other day...it was a picture that was taken a couple years ago. I didn't know that person anymore. So much life has happened to me. Time (or perhaps just life...or maybe a combination of both) has changed me.

Not only does it change how I look but it changes how I feel and think. It changes how I live (or if I live), it changes everything.

I like time sometimes. Other times I don't.

Thanksgiving

Okay, okay. I know that I just barely posted the 5k results post but I felt that needed its own separate post. Or perhaps Thanksgiving needs its own post.

Thanksgiving started while I was running a few miles and I made it a goal to try and think of all the things I am thankful for while I was running. I did. And I was still listing things off when I finished.

Check out this table!! My mom is amazing!

At dinner (which was AMAZING! Best Thanksgiving spread I've ever had!) my uncle Doug mentioned how it was printed in the newspaper that Thanksgiving is the least commercialized holiday. That started a short discussion about the pure nature of being Thankful. Being Thankful is the most important thing I can be in my life. It is better than being rich, having nice things, having a lot of friends, going on a lot of trips...you get what I'm saying. Being Thankful is the best! No matter what you have or what you don't have you feel thankful.

Since it was Thanksgiving two days ago I feel it's appropriate to list a few of the things I am thankful for:

My family. And I am not just talking about my immediate family. I am talking about the new family I have created in Washington. The family I left in Logan. All the people who I love dearly and who I know love me in return.

My body. I am so thankful I have a body that allows me to do what I love to do.

Beauty. I am thankful for the beauty in this world. Beautiful places, beautiful music, beautiful people. There is so much beauty all around us every second if we have the eyes to see it.

Reading and writing. Particularly writing. It clears my mind and give me new ideas. Reading the stories of others offers new perspectives and extends hope.

Work. I am thankful for work. At the Thanksgiving dinner table it is a Nelson tradition to go around the table and say things you're thankful for. My grandma mentioned how she is thankful for some of the things she had to go without and then mentioned how she is thankful for the opportunity to work. Then she told us some of the things she has experienced...my grandma never ate a turkey for Thanksgiving. They didn't have the money to buy one. Instead her dad would kill a few chickens and they'd eat those. The first time she ate a turkey is when her older brother John, who was a doctor, sent her family $5 in the mail to go buy a turkey. She grew up without a furnace...at night she would get in her bed under her covers and she described how she could see breath because it was so cold. Then she talked about work and how hard work. I felt real thankful right then and I have felt thankful since for the opportunity I have to work.

Experiences. Everyday we are blessed to have different experiences. We can meet new friends, make a difference for ourselves or other people. Or we can be idle and choose not to have those experiences. I am also thankful for the ability to choose.

I am thankful for the sun. The sun is symbolic for the things I want my life to represent. It is consistent. I can count on it. Everything it touches is better. It makes people smile and happy. It provides life and warmth. I could go on and on about the sun. I just am real, real thankful for it. I love it!

That is a basic list. I won't go into other things because I can't describe certain things. Like not too long ago I was on a flight and as the plane took off I burst into tears because I felt so thankful to live in a day when our technologies are so advanced. My family and friends made fun of me for that one.

I am thankful for a thankful heart. I am more thankful for that than anything. My parents taught me to look on the bright side of things-to be thankful for the big things and the little things and even the hard things. I strive to do that everyday.

Let's be thankful everybody! Let's be thankful every single day!

5k results

Before the race!!

Curtis and I showing off our stellar running outfits

After the race. The entire Nelson clan!! Way to go family!! Sure love you!!!

My family ran 3.1 miles Thanksgiving morning. We woke up around 6am-maybe 6:30 and headed to the starting line. We met up with about 3,000 other people who wanted to start their Thanksgiving off with a little run. All of the proceeds of the race went to help the homeless. What a great idea! And what a fun (new) Nelson tradition!

I can't really explain what it means to do these kinds of activities with my dad. Saying it means a lot doesn't quite describe the emotions. I remember the days I didn't think he was going to be around much longer, when there was talk of wheel chair ramps at the house, when he walked into my basketball games and sat in the first available seat because he didn't have enough energy to walk any further. Not only did he run a 5k on Thanksgiving morn, he beat half the family! Way to go dad! And thank you for being the best example to me of keeping a good attitude and never giving up! You are certainly an inspiration!

5k on Thanksgiving? Really?!

I am home for Thanksgiving! It's great to be home.

For some reason my family had a great idea of running a 5k Thanksgiving morning...so I guess that is what I'll be doing in the morning. Interesting. I haven't gone running for quite sometime. I hate running. But I will run tomorrow with a smile on my face as I reflect on all the things I am thankful for-and I am thankful for a lot so it will get me through the 30 or so minutes of running (I am optimistic that I will be able to run 10 minute miles!!).

When I walked into my parents house last night I noticed a few changes. including a plaque like thing with a quote by President Monson. I love it so I will share it!

The past is over; learn from it.
The future is near; prepare for it.
The present is now; LIVE IN IT!!