Welcome friends, family and strangers!

pick up the phone when you're smiling

2012-01-27T15:46:00.000-08:00

So- Becka and I were talking yesterday and we realized that people in our lives know when things are hard and sad and not going the way we want. We call friends and family crying and spew out every detail of our unfortunate situation. We (or at least I) call day after day until I feel happy or at least happier. When I'm happy perhaps I feel that it isn't important to call day after day. That isn't a good thing.

I called a lot of different people today to tell them I love them. And to tell them that life is wonderful. And beautiful. And that today, I feel happy!

For those of you I didn't call- life is beautiful! And I feel so happy today! And Im so glad that I have the people in my life that I do. I am thankful for the hard things- because hard things create strength. And I'm grateful for my family. and friends. and harley. and my work- and coworkers- but my coworkers are my friends- so they get double mention. I am just grateful for my life. I am grateful for God. I am grateful that God is so good to me.

And I am grateful that I realized I am more used to connecting with people when I'm having a hard time. because I want to stop doing that.

I hope that my happiness is contagious today.

Instagram

2012-01-18T00:12:00.000-08:00

Instagram is the new cool social media website. You show pictures to all your followers. But people who don't follow you can see your pictures too.. It's great! I follow a few people that take really great pictures! But it's social media- its another way for people to spy on you and you on other people. Today I learned that one of my friends is pregnant. Learned another person got a tattoo. You can follow crushes and see their activity on the site- you can see who\what they look at. It's fun. And annoying. And beautiful. And amazing. So many things online that make it so we never need to talk to a person to find out what they're up to.

It's soo intriguing. And weird.

And Canada bugs me.

Good things

2012-01-16T23:42:00.000-08:00

Good things come from bad situations. I learned that from Ashely Richardson. She told me that a lot but it really didn't ,ram anything to me untilmshe died. Good things really do come from bad situations.. I'm reminded of it often and was reminded of it again yesterday.

Becka and I have been talking. We talked (and saw each other) yesterday. She told me about the memorial of a good family friend that she went to a day prior. It was sad, of course- a good man died way to early of brain cancer. So sad! He was a husband and father and friend to everyone- and I learned that he was a man of God. He was excited to die and go to heaven and meet Jesus. As Becka was telling me about Jim and the memorial I felt happy.

I love god. I love life. I love people. I love goodness. And sometimes it takes bad and sad things to happen to remind me that I love so much. I love my life and my body and my experiences. I didn't know this man, but because the way his life and his death effected Becka, and because Becka and I had a conversation about it, I felt more grateful and happy today. I smiled more. I said thank you to the woman who helped me at the store. I listened to music that made me happy. I prayed and expressed gratitude.

I am thankful for the bad things that happen that remind us how good things are!

Work

2012-01-06T11:37:00.000-08:00

This is what I get to look at everyday.

God is good. Life is beautiful!

New Years Resolution/confession

2012-01-05T19:45:00.000-08:00

It's January 5th 2012 and it's already been a crazy and extremely interesting year.

I normally make new years resolutions but not this year. This year I am making a new years resolution. Singular. Just one. And my new years resolution is honesty with myself. And because of that I am going to make a new years confession.

Becka and I broke up- and I made people believe it was because I was struggling with the church. That was certainly part of it but that wasn't the reason. The reason was because I thought I had feelings for someone else. There you go- as I hang my head.

I went to a bachelorette party at the end of july and got to know another attendee. We did have some kind of connection and I came home thinking about the connection. I wondered why I thought about her- I convinced myself that since I was thinking about her i must have feelings. maybe I did.

I didn't tell Becka all of the details of what happened but she knew. She knew me better than i thought. So I broke up with her because I felt too much guilt for not being honest; I was confused, i started thinking of all of the bad in our relationship instead of the good AND I felt like she deserved better because of what had happened.

That was in September. Now it's january and there are times I wonder how i Iet it all happen- particularly that way. I know some relationships don't work but they shouldn't end because of dishonesty.

I miss Becka everyday. She was my best friend. She loved me. I could rely on her. She could rely on me. We were each others people. Not anymore. Before too long, Becka and I will be like strangers. That's what happens when you break up.

Being committed is a choice. I believe there are people that will come in and out of your life that make you feel and/or think certain things. I feel horrible that i went against my moral code!

So- I am working through my problems regarding church. I am also learning and working through my commitment issues- mainly commitment to myself.

like mentioned this happened months ago. I was a wreck but am finally doing better. I'm having fun. I'm smiling. I'm feeling happy with personal progress. And I'm choosing to spend time with people that make me feel good- people that bring out pod in me.

Though i am ashamed, I'm okay.

Here is to a happy and honest 2012!

Christmas

2011-12-27T11:27:00.000-08:00

This is a few days late but Merry Christmas.

During the Christmas break I got to reconnect with friends and extended family- and myself. It was a wonderful Christmas break! Now I am back in Seattle and feel ready to take on the world and enjoy it as much as I possibly can! Bring it.

I went to church on Christmas (i even put on a skirt- which was SO WEIRD! I no longer own a skirt and haven't worn one in over 3 years) and the bishop said that Christmas WAS about presents and I was confused. But then he clarified. It is about presence- not presents.

Christmas is about the presence of people we love. It is about the presence of love in our hearts and the presence of the desire to give. Those are the presence I want in my life. And I can have them everyday.

Christmas is wonderful!

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas, too!

wisdom

2011-12-24T17:51:00.000-08:00

When asking my mom today how to get over something in your life that you have to get over she said, "time and service."

Time is what everyone says but I haven't heard service before.

She told me that losing myself in helping and loving others always will make me feel good. i have no control with how my heart responds to time but I do have control on how I treat and serve others.

Service. Holler!

heart swells and heart breaks

2011-12-22T15:43:00.000-08:00

what a wonderful day so far! It is beautiful (but COLD out), I saw a hero of mine- a person who helped me gain a testimony of the gospel, i went on a walk with my mom, went shopping and wrapped some presents. but then- just a few minutes ago a friend called me that just received heartbreaking news. she called me devastated. she feels helpless and feels she is going to lose the things that are most important in her life. and the truth is, she might.

heartbreak comes in all different forms. It comes when we lose love. It comes when we lose ourselves- when we make mistakes that we never thought possible. heartbreak comes when people we love are hurting or when we see people we love make bad decisions. but luckily, even when our hearts are broken, our hearts can swell with love and thankfulness. we can see the beauty in the world and in others and hopefully in ourselves. our hearts swell when we fulfill commitments we make with ourselves and when we become closer to the person we hope to become. Our hearts swell when we are around people we love and when we laugh a lot- and we can laugh a lot even when are hearts are broken.

even though the journey is hard, there is joy in the journey. Even when things are so hard, there is light. And during the times that we don't feel like there is light, God will carry us. I know it. I had to remind my friend of that today. and as i reminded my friend, i reminded myself.

heartbreak creates strength. i know it. heartbreak turns into beautiful things.

called out

2011-12-21T13:09:00.000-08:00

My mom called me out this morning. She asked if I am honest with myself because my blog is generally upbeat and happy and (recently) I have been really sad and down in the dumps.

Perhaps my excitement and upbeat self is how I hope to feel- not how I actually feel in the moment. So I write about it and think about it and hope that eventually I will be it! I guess its kinda like the secret- I put what I want out into the universe and think about it until it becomes my reality.

Curtis called me out last night. I was telling him what I was doing to make my current situation better. He basically told me that my plans sounded good but there is nothing that will make situation better except time. Dang. He also told me that I need to stop making plans and just be me. Be me in every moment. Be proactive to be me.

After the conversation with Curtis, I wondered how and when he became so wise.

Thanks for calling me out mom and Curtis.

lbs

2011-12-20T10:04:00.000-08:00

I stepped on the scale yesterday and I am 10 lbs lighter than I was last year! YAY! 10 whole pounds. Then I stepped on the same scale this morning- just to make sure it was right and I was 5 lbs lighter than I was last year. Weird. How did I gain 5 lbs in 24 hours?!

There is snow outside. Just a little bit- but it sure makes things pretty! Harley likes the snow. The air quality is horrible here. I forgot that air quality changes. In Seattle the air is also so nice and clean. My mom is a saint. Nils is the best man I know. I admire his integrity so much. I played basketball with my dad and Nils last night. Nils won 4 games. I won 3. Dad didn't win- but I reminded him that Nils and I know everything we know because of him. I have woken up several times the last couple nights thinking that I heard my phone ring. I think I was dreaming that Becka was calling. I get to see a lot of friends while Im in town. Ashli is having a baby shower tomorrow so I get to see some college peeps. The hs friends are having our annual Christmas party on the 23rd. Im real excited about that. Im going to lunch with a few peeps too. I better run on the treadmill downstairs because of all the food I'll be consuming. I saw my grandparents yesterday. They told me over and over that they love me. I love grandparents. Connie McBride is at our house right now. Connie is my moms best friend. Everyone deserves a friend like Connie. Her son just became a lawyer in California and spends a good amount of time helping homeless people. There are good people everywhere.

Facebook

2011-12-18T21:04:00.000-08:00

Facebook is annoying! I love it and am thankful for it and am on it multiple times a day- but it is annoying. Perhaps I should take a break.

Facebook is one of the reasons I have had a hard time living in the moment. If I post a certain something on Facebook maybe someone will have a thought about me that I don't like. Maybe if I post something else, someone will know I am thinking about them. But since I want to be coy, I have to be somewhat secretive. Facebook is annoying because you can see what other people post on other peoples walls. You can see that people are making plans to go to concerts and having play dates- and Facebook hurts feelings because you used to be included in those concerts and play dates.

Facebook makes work and flirting easier. But it also makes it so people don't have to pick up the phone and talk to their friends and family to say, "hey, I thinking about you." I went to my 10 yr high school reunion last year and I didn't have to talk to everyone I talked to because I already knew what they've been up to because of Facebook.

I talked to some of my family about this today and it think it was decided that people who are married and/or are in relationships experience Facebook a little differently than single people. I think that might be right.

Facebook is a funny thing. Today it pulled a few heart strings. It has pulled at the heart strings every time I've logged in for the last while. But I keep doing it. Ha.

Aside from my moments on Facebook, I did a good job being in the moment today. Im getting excited about this new chapter of Chelsea.

blessed

2011-12-17T21:11:00.000-08:00

Right this second I feel so happy and so extremely blessed- but there is something missing. Becka is missing. Love is missing. But I feel happy and blessed. I got home today- to my parents home and it is soo pretty inside. It looks and smells and tastes like Christmas. And it sounds like Christmas. This place is my little slice of heaven on earth.

I think my mom is a Christmas elf!

I had 12 hours (in addition to the last couple weeks-even months) to have an out loud (and sometimes quiet) conversation with myself. It seems my thoughts are so clear and then they become cloudy- its an annoying cycle but with every moment that passes it seems like the up and down is consistently making things make more sense.

Ive said this before but I feel like I am a teenager. I am learning about my sexuality and becoming comfortable with myself. Annnnnd I'm 28. Embarrassing. But whatever. My late self acceptance combined with my religious confusion combined with everyday life has contributed in creating Chelsea Nelson as we know her today. Its actually quite comical to think of the times I have explained myself as a laid back, easy going person. In the last couple years I have been anything but laid back and easy going. I have been so in my head, so concerned with reasons for everything and have tried so hard to find out the answers of life that only time and experience can answer. I have realized that living for the future instead of the present has been a huge problem for me.

Projection comes with living for the future- which certainly caused a lot of issues with Becka. Instead of enjoying her and our relationship I got in a crazy habit of wanting to know what it would be like when/if we got married and what it would be like if/when we had a baby. I worried so much! I worried about things that I wasn't sure would even happen- like who would go to Mexico if we decided to have a destination wedding?! Can you believe it?! So stupid! I worried about what family and friends would think when they opened a wedding announcement. I made it up in my mind that there would be negative judgement which completely stressed me out and pushed me away. I worried so much about stuff that DIDN'T MATTER! - I had a real hard time enjoying the day to day moments- which is heart breaking because there were so many good moments.

It has been suggested to me that I subconsciously ruined my relationship with Becka because I couldn't handle all of the stress (that I created) regarding the future. I hate that.

So- here I am- aware of some of my baggage and so ready to take it on. I can't handle living this way. I want to live in the moment and accept the love that is around me. Not only from my person but from every moment and every situation.

I don't know what is going to happen in my life but I do know I am starting a new chapter. And the new chapter is because I am making a valiant effort to make corrections and do work on myself so fear of the unknown doesn't rule my life. I want love and hope and happiness to rule my life. Time to get back to that fun-loving, happy woman that I know is inside of me! She is suffocating in there.

Co Pilot

2011-12-13T22:10:00.000-08:00

I love this little guy so much!

get lost

2011-11-01T20:14:00.000-07:00

Man. What a response. I have had about 20 people send emails expressing love and concern. It made me feel good. So thanks!

I (kind of) forgot that people read my blog. I blog just for me. I mean, Im glad that people read it and Im glad that I've been able to help people but I blog for me. I used to journal on my computer but one time when I was coming home from Texas I had to put my computer through the scanner thing- and my hard drive was wiped out. And I didn't have it backed up. It had YEARS of journal entries on it. And they were lost. I was heart broken. Completely heart broken. Blogging is a nice way to kmow that I will always have my thoughts and that's why I blog.

Yes, I am confused. But I am doing okay. And I am working through it. I am dealing with thoughts and feelings that I haven't ever dealt with. Yes. I have felt them before but I ran away from them and/or swept them under the rug. So I am working through them now. I am confused but I am excited and anxious to get this worked out in my own head and heart.

On to other things, I am loving work. I work with Amanda DuBois who is absolutely one of the best people I have ever know. And she has given my so many great experiences. I have been introduced to different incredible organizations. Today I went to a PeaceTrees Vietnam http://www.peacetreesvietnam.org/ luncheon. PeaceTrees is an incredible organization that deactivates live mines. Everyday people, mostly children lose limbs and are sometimes killed because they step on land mines. Incredible that that is happening right now. And now I am involved in helping it stop.

A couple weeks ago I went to a Women's Funding Alliance breakfast http://www.wfalliance.org/. It is an organization that believes in helping and investing in women and girls. If you invest in women and girls, you invest in the world. I was totally inspired listening to the things they do and how I can be involved.

Although there are things that I am personally struggling with, there are people and causes that need me. It is easier to forget and deal with your own pain and your own struggles when you get lost in the service of others.

Gay Mormon

2011-10-31T18:27:00.001-07:00

I turn on the TV too much. Sometimes I turn it on just to have back ground noise. But sometimes, or too often, I totally get sucked in. I certainly don't think TV is bad. But I don't want my nights to filled with noise from the TV. I rather noise coming from friends or music or silence.

I think that people underestimate the power of a silence. Or maybe I underestimate the power of silence.

Deep breath.

So- here we go. I'll spill it. Get ready.

In case you've missed it on the news, and Im speaking first hand, being a gay Mormon is hard. Really hard. Perhaps the hardest part is the fact that I can't or haven't found anyone like me. I have found a lot of Mormons. I have found a lot of gays. I have found a lot of gay Mormons that no longer like or associate with the church but I haven't found a gay Mormon who has positive feelings about the church. And I understand why. Most homosexual people that I know believe, as do I, that they were born gay. They didn't have a choice in the matter- so how can they believe in a church or have good feelings for a church that doesn't accept them. How can they have a testimony that God is perfect- but God made them a certain way and won't accept them? It makes sense that they don't like the church. Yesterday a (female) friend explained it like this, "I wouldn't consider joining a men's choir because I'm not a man and they wouldn't let me join- even though I'm a really good singer.... I can't consider being associated with the Mormon church because I'm a homosexual- even though I'm a really good person." Point taken. But what if I believe in the church? What if I have a testimony in Joseph Smith? Because I do. But there is not a place for me in the Mormon church. I mean, there is- if I decide to live as a single woman. But how could I ever choose to do that after experiencing love? I was in trouble the first time I heard Jamie Justice laugh. It wasn't love at first sight- it was more like love at first listen. Sounds ridiculous. But seriously. At the young age of 21 my soul connected with another in ways that don't happen to a lot of people. And I have experienced different but similar things since. So how could I choose to live alone? It seems impossible.

However, I am currently living alone. Becka and I broke up. We broke up about 2 months ago.

Things were good between us. But then, after 2.5 years, we started getting more serious about committing our lives to each other- you know, like forever. We talked about a wedding and kids and a house and everything a couple might talk about when deciding if/when to take the next step in their relationship. Something happened to us, or to me, during those conversations. Perhaps it made it too real that I am a happily gay Mormon-i know, that makes absolutely no sense. It made me wonder how many of my friends and family would come to my gay wedding celebration. It made me wonder if people would really be excited for me when they learned that I or my partner was having a baby. I wondered if they would be excited. Or if they'd feel bad for the baby.

I got sad. The sadness is one of the reasons a gap started to form.

Perhaps I needed (or will some day need) to forget about the worry and allow people to act and react however they will. Perhaps people would be really excited for me. Perhaps there would be no judgement. Perhaps I am the only person who is guilty of judging right now.

Moving on. www.mormon.org. I love it! Last night I watched a lot of those little videos. The marketing/PR person who thought of that campaign is a genius. I was totally inspired. I imagined what I would say if I were to make a video.

"Hi, my name is Chelsea Nelson. I live in Seattle, Washington where I work and play and enjoy the beauty that is always around me. Washington is an amazingly beautiful place. I love Heavenly Father and know He loves me too- I just have to open my eyes to be reminded of His love. My name is Chelsea. I am a daughter. An entrepreneur. A lover of nature. And I am a (gay)Mormon." Shoot. That doesn't work. I became jealous of all of the people who proclaimed their love for their husband and wife and their kids. I want to do the same. Having a family is the only consistant thing I have ever wanted.

But then, I went to www.affirmation.org. Check it out. A website that is for gay and lesbian Mormons. I wish they had a Seattle chapter. Some of the people on the site are so bitter but most seem to be in a similar place that I am in. I found this site yesterday. Perhaps it will give me some clarity.

My mom just called. She is in Minnesota visiting Jami, Dave and the kiddos. I talked to Addison for a quick minute. Her little voice made me tear up.

Im on my period. Perhaps that is why I am so emotional. Perhaps you can sense my confusion. After 28 years, I wish it would go away.

Later.

learning

2011-10-26T23:11:00.000-07:00

I am starting to journal again. I haven't done it in years. And journaling has taken priority over blogging. Sometimes Im not a good multitasker. Shame on my. Because I love to blog!

I was in a self-help seminar type class about 2.5 years ago- Vision Quest. I wrote about some of it. I am writing in the same journal I wrote in while taking Vision Quest. It was given to me by a woman who I was in the class with. And it has been fun to read a few of the entries from that time. I was so happy. I was so confident.

4-9-09

"Ive learned a lot a lot in the past few months. Ive learned a lot in the past few weeks. it seems Ive had a lot of opportunities to widen my horizons the last while. First and most important, Ive learned that I will always need and crave my mom. No matter my age. I love her. I adore her. I hope to be like her. Ive learned not everyone is going to like me- and that's okay. If people don't like me it doesn't mean Im a bad person- and it doesn't mean I need to stop liking or loving them. I have learned that its important to believe in yourself- and not in the cheesy, cliche way- Im talking REALLY believing in yourself. And accepting and believing compliments that are given to you. Believe them. And let them sink in. Soak it up! I am pretty. I am a good person. I am smart! I am deserving and worthy of every good thing. Yes, yes I am all of those things and I am so much more than those things. I have learned that realizing and accepting truths- good and bad- will change me. I have learned that I don't need anyone else to be happy. The last year has been rough. I broke up with Jamie, move to WA, moved away from everyone I love, tried to date a few people in WA, got into horrible relationships and started to feel horrible about myself. I tried to find happiness within someone else. Now I am a lone- and I feel so happy. I want to find someone- hopefully the next person I date will be the last but Im loving this alone time. Ive gotten to know myself again. I do things for me. I spend time thinking and writing and praying and I don't have another person to hide behind. I like me. I love me. I like the kinds of things I think about when Im alone. I like how I feel about strangers. I like that I hum church songs when I am driving in my car. I like that I want to change the world. I've relearned what I want in a partner. I want someone who is committed and excited about doing good. I want someone who loves herself and loves God and people. I want someone who adores kids- and someone who wants a family. I want someone who adores me and who makes me want to be a better person. I've learned that I am completely obsessed with the NBA. I have a hard time falling asleep until I know the scores and watch the highlights. Ive learned that nobody gets me as excited as my little nephew Tolman. Jame and Tol came to visit last weekend and I had the time of my life. I love pretending I am 4 right along side him. I have relearned that I love being a Nelson. I am more proud to be connected to them than I am most things. Nelson's are strong. We are fighters. And we have an everlasting love for each other. I have learned that I can be okay. I am okay. I am more than okay. I am happy.
My life is entirely different now than I ever thought it would be but Im learning that different is okay. I smile everyday- the smile is seen on my face but felt in my soul.
I am an artist and my life is my canvas. And I am creating a masterpiece."

I want to put that confidence and excitement in a bottle and drink it for breakfast.

2011-08-14T14:07:00.000-07:00

beautiful life

2011-07-14T09:23:00.000-07:00

what a beautiful life i have.

i have a family that loves me
and a girlfriend that adores me
i have eyes that can see
and ears that can hear
and thank goodness for that because i see and hear the most beautiful things
i have a mind that is powerful
and determination that guides me
i have a spirit that craves adventure
and a body that follows
i have hope to change the world
and the knowledge that i already have
i have the expectation to be the best i can
and to make others better too
i have dreams for what will be
and excitement because my life is my dream coming true.

what a beautiful life i have.

Thoughts

2011-06-16T20:11:00.001-07:00

I went to see Brett Dennen in concert on Tuesday. I love his music. His last song was Blessed is this life. I have been singing it to myself since. "Blessed is this life- I want to celebrate being alive...) Love it. And I am celebrating being alive.

Watching Wipeout makes me laugh out loud every time I watch it. I am watching it now.

A couple weeks ago I went on a walk with Harley and walked by a HUGE hole in the ground. An apartment building is being built. There were trucks and cranes and huge pipes in the hole. I become completely lost in wonder about the creation of world as we know it. Not the world as in Earth- but everything that is on the earth. Homes, the things in our homes, cars, clothes, food, life- the process of creation of the things in this world as pretty amazing.

I have never been happier in my own skin. Not ever. And it seems like people are noticing. I had an experience this last weekend that I will remember for the rest of my life. I was at one of Becka's best friends wedding. We stayed at this cool summer camp resort type place with all the other wedding guests for the entire weekend- most of the guests were people I didn't know. The last night we were there I got pulled aside by Linda- an older woman from Colorado who told me she had been watching me since the weekend began and noticed a magnetic positive energy around me. She told me that she noticed my confidence and said she wished all people felt as comfortable in their own skin as I felt in mine. I was shocked to hear what she was saying and tears spilled out of my eyes. I have come along way the last couple years and I know who I am.

Harley went to dog boot camp for 2 weeks. He is much more mellow and wants to cuddle all the time.

I miss my family everyday. My family is spread out across the country right now. Jami and Dave are in Minnesota with their kiddos while Dave finishes medical residency. Curtis is visiting them right now. Nils is in Mississippi for a summer internship. Jess is currently in Heber getting ready to run the Ragnar race tomorrow. And I am in Seattle.

I miss my life in Logan, too. I guess my life in Logan was life before I became an adult. I didn't worry much about bills, I played in the mountains on (almost) a daily basis, I lived and worked and played with my best friends, my job changed lives every single day and it seems I was always tan. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever live in Utah again. I hope I do.

This summer I am going to go camping as often as possible. And no, summer hasn't started here yet. I hope it starts soon. I want to remember what its like to wear shorts and tshirts.

Grass and weeds and everything else green grows so much faster in Washington than Utah. I should mow the lawn 2 times a week. I don't. I only mow it once a week. And that seems like a lot. And I should weed even more than that. I don't. I have become that neighbor noone wants to have.

That's all for now.

things are the same

2011-05-22T09:34:00.000-07:00

I crave to blog sometimes. I certainly have been lately. I think about it everyday but it seems other things take priority. I have to work, mow the lawn, change the laundry- never enough time to sit and blog. Since so much time has passed since my last posting, it seems a little daunting because there are so many things I want to write about. Luckily for me and my blog, I am sick and don't feel like doing anything but sit on my couch and let my fingers blab.

Let me start by saying life is great! Life is really, really great and really weird, too. A couple nights ago Becka and I were talking about the fact that most days are the exact same. A common conversation we have is, "What do you have going on tomorrow?" which has turned into a silly conversation because everyday is pretty much the same. I get up, go to work, come home to take care of Harley, workout, continue to work or hang out with friends or clean up around the house, come home, get ready for bed and go to sleep. Of course we need to throw in meals and bathroom breaks but that is my day Monday-Friday. Becka's is something like, get up, go for a run, go to internship, go to work, go to school, come home, get ready for bed, go to bed. But we insist on asking the question almost every night.

Anyway- moving on- although life is somewhat the same day after day, I am really happy and live my days with purpose. I wake up excited to do the same thing over. It sounds silly but my work has changed my life. Ha- that sounds really silly and super cheesy- but its true. Nearly a year ago I met Dana Peterson and the 2 of us have created Home Benefit Network- a company that is helping our community. I'll give more info about HBN later- for now I'll just say that it has been an incredible blessing to be apart of the creation of such an amazing company!

Something else that has been really cool- I have gotten involved with a local ropes course. I managed the Utah State University Ropes Course and absolutely loved it. I also helped with Build several elements at Brighton Girls Camp- I love ropes courses. They introduced and got me involved with motivational speaking and team building workshops and when I moved here I started missing that kind of work. When I was introduced to the The Waterhouse Center, I knew I had to get involved. I recently helped build their website and am helping them with business/marketing plans. I am so glad to be apart of such a powerful place. Ropes Courses change lives- they have changed mine and I have seen them change many, many peoples as well.

This is me trying to stand on top of the Perch- my favorite ropes course event. It is a 30 foot power pole and the goal is stand on top of it and jump for a trapeze bar. Awesome!

Becka and I got to take a break from our daily routine and spend 10 days in Sayulita, Mexico. I know I have written a little about this already but here is some more- with pictures. I loved going to Sayulita! I had never been so happy to go on vacation. I almost forgot what warm, dry weather was like. And not only did we go to a warm, dry place, Sayulita is one of the coolest places I have ever been. It is a little surf town about 30 miles north of Puerta Vallerta. It is really chill- super nice people, great food on every corner, live concerts on the beach every night, a lot of things to do- surfing, fish, hike, RELAX- it was great and much needed! What a view! This was taken from the balcony of our casita. There was a pathway that we walked down every morning that led straight to the beach!

We relaxed on the beach everyday and waited for the beach vendors to come sell us their goodies. Every time this candy vendor came close, Becka's eyes would get really big and she got semi giddy. I don't think Becka would admit this, but I might argue that her favorite part of Mexico, besides being with me, was the candy wheel barrow! :)So this was kinda cool- we were in Mexico at the same time some guys I work with were- but they were staying in Punta Mita and they were there to golf not to play and relax on the beach. Punta Mita is about a 30 minute cab ride away from Sayulita. They guys invited us to stay at their house for a day- and this is where we stayed. It was incredible- a place I will never forget. Perhaps this is the place I get married. :)

This was cool, too. Becka found a guy who takes people on his catamaran sail boat. Normally this guy takes 10+ people but everyone canceled the morning of so Becka and I felt like we had this huge sailboat to ourselves. It was great- a day where my gal and I got to be on a private boat tour in the middle of the ocean. Awesome.
Our last night in Mexico was spent in Puerta Vallerta. We didn't love the city because we were comparing it to Sayulita- but it was nice and warm and hello-we were in Mexico so it was great! We stayed at the Marriott and met a great couple from California who told us about a restaurant that we had to try- and I'll tell you what, it was incredible! Casa Isebella! If you ever go to Puerta Vallerta, you have to go. The food was fabulous and the view- man- the view was out of a postcard.

I loved being in Mexico! It was so nice to be with Becka for 10 days on the beach with all responsibilties left in Seattle. But then we came back and our responsibilities were waiting for us. We were refreshed and TAN and ready to take them on. :) Back to the grind we went....

How Great Thou Art

2011-04-25T12:46:00.000-07:00

If I could sing, I would sing songs like this. Songs like this speak the feelings of my soul. Well done, Carrie!

how is your family?

2011-04-17T13:31:00.000-07:00

I had a fun day yesterday. But then, out of nowhere I got really sad.

Becka and I did something kinda different yesterday with people we normally don't hang out with. But I think we will start hanging out with these people more. So, to make the story short, we basically went to an event with some friends who introduced us to people we didn't know- their friends and coworkers (some gay, some not).

After the event we went to grab some food and chit chat. I made my rounds- chatting with everyone and I really enjoyed the conversations. I love meeting new people. But then I got sad. I started chatting with 3 gay women who were super nice and great. We talked about where we're from, what brought us to Seattle, how we like Seattle etc... But then, the question that seems to always come up among the gays. "How is your family with it?" In other words, ' does your family still love you because you're gay?' 'do you talk to your family now that they know you're gay?' 'do you have to lie to your family because you are gay?' I beam when people ask me how my family is with my lifestyle- I tell them that my parents should teach a class on how to be awesome! But it makes me sad that the family question even comes up. Im sad that one of the things I have in common with every other gay person is the possibility that our family relationships have been altered significantly because we choose to be honest with ourselves, our families, and sometimes the world about who we are. I started imaging my siblings and straight friends having the same conversation that I have. "how did your parents react when you told them that you found the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with?" "they told that this is a phase and that I'm not welcome in their home until the phase is over." Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? Too bad that is many peoples reality.

So, once again, my family is the bomb! I am me. I was born being me. And they love me and because of their love I have learned to love me, too.

Ive been thinking about...

2011-04-03T19:37:00.000-07:00

General Conference- General Conference was today and yesterday. It only happens twice a year- in April and October. I remember loving General Conference- I looked forward to it for months and would do all that I could to prepare. I still get excited for Conference but it is different. Instead of making sure I watch it live, I read the talks after they are published. Sometimes I miss the excitement that I used to feel. The excitement that I feel about most religion type thing has faded. Spirituality on the other hand makes my insides scream- or whatever people have within themselves that inspires them, motivates them and/or makes them want to be better. The circle of life- whatever that means- but my mom and I recently had a conversation about the circle of life. My grandpa is getting older and isn't expected to be around much longer. But who knows what 'much longer' means. It could mean a few months or, knowing my grandpa, it could mean a couple years. Either way, my mom is sad because she realizes that her time with her dad is winding down. She knows that it is all part of the 'circle of life' but regardless, it makes her sad- and she hates to see her dads health failing. And that conversation got me thinking, my mom and I are in a similar boat. In the past year+ I have watched my moms health fade and wonder how much time I have left with her. And although at times when I have those thoughts my heart is broken, I know that whenever she goes, or whenever anyone goes, death is part of the 'circle of life.' And then I think of Japan- and I have no idea what to think about the 'circle of life.' Logan- I absolutely love Logan. I miss it. I miss the small town, I miss my friends, I miss my house (although I am wanting to sell it so if you want to purchase a small but great home in Logan, let me know!! ), I miss knowing somewhere every place I went. I miss the ropes course and I miss the mountains. I miss that most weekends I would go on an adventure- climbing, camping, hiking, motorcycle riding, skiing, snowshoeing- whatever it was- there was always some kind of adventure. I miss the sweet old ladies who lived on my block. I miss 1st Dam and 2nd and I really miss Green Canyon. Geez. i miss a lot of things about Logan. I will always love Logan. Basketball- I have watched a lot of basketball with March Madness and I have been in heaven. I don't follow college basketball much but I do love watching it. It makes me miss it. I can watch it and almost imagine that I am playing. I love the game. It is so pretty to me. I am fasinated when I watch. Watching basketball is like watching fire. I could do it for hours and not realize time passes. Im so happy about March Madness! Rain- It seems most people in Seattle talk about the rain. It rains a lot here. No doubt. People are locked in their houses- or in doors at least. When friends call to hang out, we discuss where we can go to eat- people nobody wants to play in the rain. But here is the thing- I like playing in the rain. In Bothell, where I lived a year ago, I used to run in the rain and kayak and ride my bike. I would sit on the deck with an umbrella just so I could smell the rain. But in the last few months I have discovered that I am staying inside more, that I am calling friends and inviting them to go somewhere to eat- instead of going somewhere to do. So tonight as it was raining I decided I wanted to go outside. I went out and dewinterized the bbq and made myself a turkeyburg. I was outside getting poured on. And I was happy. I think I even laughed outloud to myself. I don't want the rain to lock my up anymore. Getting wet can be fun!

Vacations

2011-03-30T20:16:00.000-07:00

I like vacations for a lot of reasons. I just got back from Mexico. It was so nice to get out of the rain and feel the sun and walk in the sand. It was nice to go 10 days without a jacket and having my worry be about applying sunscreen.

But the amazing weather wasn't the best part of my time in Mexico. I like getting away from the routine of life because my mind clears and I seem to come back to life more motivated with motivation and purpose.

I really enjoy reading self help books. I could list off the ones I've read but instead I would like to point out a similarity in the majority I've read. They talk about the importance of positive personal affirmations. You have to visualize who you want to be and talk about who you want to be and then, and only then, you will become who you want to be.

So while I was in Mexico on the beach or in the little Casita before bed I would pull out my pen and paper and write pages and pages of who and how I want to be. People say that life is about finding yourself. No, no. I believe life is about creating yourself. And I want to be better than I am. I want to be kinder and softer and more successful. I want to be a better citizen and I want to be more giving. People are always changing- even when they don't realize it- but I want to be aware of it and be sure that I am changing in the ways I want to change.

Sayulita was incredible! Every place we went seemed to be postcard worthy. We played in the ocean, boogie boarded, took surf lessons, went for a sailing adventure and spent a day at the most incredible home I have ever seen. The vacation was unreal. But I was glad to come home. Not only did we have a short layover in Salt Lake City (my family came to see us and brought Cafe Rio), I came home with motivation and purpose.

I love vacations!

back to the roots

2011-02-21T20:06:00.000-08:00

I get mad when bad/hard things happen. I get mad and sad and sometimes feel bad for myself- but after the bad/hard thing happens, I usually feel thankful. I feel thankful now.

It is a blessing when I am taken back to my roots- when I remember what I have always known. This time, when this particular hard thing happened, I remembered that love and service is always the best answer- to everything- no matter what.

When this particular hard thing happened I remembered that I can't control ANYTHING except me and how I act and react. I can't control work, or the weather, or the moods or feelings of anyone else. I can control how I decide to be when things at work don't go smoothly, or when the sky is gray and when the people around me aren't the way I want them to be- and I have made a real effort to act with love and service.

Thank you, hard time, for reminding me what I have always known. My heart feels happy.

Time

2011-01-29T14:01:00.000-08:00

People say that some things just take time. Or that the timing just isn't right. Or they don't have time. Or they have too much time. There is so much talked about when it comes to time.

Time is weird. Seconds go by; minutes go by; days go by and then before we know it, years go by. Time is always passing.

Right now I am in one of those situations that I just have to give time. It's weird and uncomfotable for me. But nothing I can do will change my situation- the only thing that will change the situation is time.

I'm sorry to be vague. I'm usually not vague on my blog.

The moral of my post is to encourage you to use your time wisely. Hopefully with all of the time that we are given, we can use it to make others laugh, to create lasting memories, to remind people that we love them, to build success and to learn. Hopefully our time is used to say sorry and I love you and to better ourselves and those around us.

Engagement Party

2011-01-26T22:19:00.000-08:00

Sarah and Lindsey got engaged in October. They had a big party to celebrate this last weekend and I was so delighted to go. I love both of them AND I love a good party!

Me with the gals. They are getting married in October! YAY!

Me and the most beautiful and RAD gal in the entire world

Me and Lindsey- one of the best people I know! Congrats!

Now, for me to complain- or at least get on my soap box for a moment...

So their party was in Ballard- a little neighborhood about 10 minutes away from super liberal Downtown Seattle. But honestly, Ballard is liberal too. The party was in a crowded pub but had a section reserved that was marked, kinda roped off, by a sign. The sign said, ;Reserved. Sarah and Lindsey's engagement party;- or something similar. And guess what happened. There were a few bystandards- people who were complete strangers who saw the sign and mocked it. They said that it wasn't a real engagement party because gay people can't really get married.

I haven't always been sure on my stance on gay marriage- which is weird because I have always wanted to get married but I haven't really cared what it was called by the eyes of the world- or by goverment- because to me, it would be a marriage. But now, after the weekend, I will fight (whatever fighting means) and stand for marriage equality.

Sarah and Lindsey love each other a lot. Their love is beauitiful and life changing. It should be something that is celebrated. It should be supported just as much as any of my other friends who are married or engaged to someone of the opposite sex. But because they are both women, people don't see it that way. But guess what?! My relationship with my person is just as important to me as your relationship with your person is to you. Because it is real. And strong. And amazing. And I'm happy. Truly happy.

So now, I don't want a civil union. I want a marriage. And I hope I will get married someday. And I want everyone, even strangers who are in the same building as me at my engagement party to support it- or at least respect it. Heck, I'll even take people just minding their own business.

Our balls, your face

2011-01-26T22:13:00.001-08:00

I play dodgeball. In a league. With adults. And I like it.

Every Wednesday night for the next 8 weeks I will drive to a Jr. High and throw balls as fast and as hard as I can (I can't throw very hard or very fast) at other people. Those same people who I chuck balls at- men and women- who can throw balls harder and faster than me- chuck them back at me- sometimes at my head. It's weird. And scary. But for some reason, I love it.

Our team name is 'Beastie Balls'. And our jersey's say, Our balls, your face. When we have cheers, that's what we scream. "OUR BALLS, YOUR FACE!"

I laugh everytime. I can't help it. But I love it.

2011-01-20T08:05:00.000-08:00

It is nearly 3am. My mind is going a mile a minute. I feel plugged into the wall. Today, or Wednesday (because I haven't fallen asleep yet) was a good day. Tuesday sucked. Im wondering what the difference was.

Sometimes when we wake up all we can do is take a deep breath, head out the door and do the best we can.

In all actuality, we have no idea how anything is ever going to work out. We don't know if our car will start once we turn the key. We hope it will but for some people on some days, it doesn't. The drive to work or wherever we go going isn't always the way we want. Living in Seattle I've learned that leaving my house one minute on one day means free sailing. If I leave the same minute the next day, I will might be stuck in traffic for an hour. No joke. And it sucks. Meetings don't always go as we plan, interactions with people-even friends can be off. Things change our attitudes in seconds. Sometimes we aren't nice although we are nice people. We aren't sensitive although sensitivity is one of our most visible characteristics. And maybe for that particular moment, not being nice and being insensitive is the best we can do.

Lifers

2011-01-12T22:09:00.000-08:00

I was sooo happy to be able to see these people over Christmas. I hadn't seen some of them in 3+ years. Some of my highschool friends will be my friends for life. I have no doubt.

Conversations of early morning annoucements, childhood sleepovers, having amnesia, pushing pumpkins out the window, and what each of us wore the first day of 7th grade.

Thanks

2010-12-11T21:33:00.000-08:00

I should be at a birthday party. Instead, I am at home with Harley listening to Christmas music drinking hot chocolate topped with whip cream and I just started a fire. The fireplace is in the bedroom-which is by far my favorite feature of the house. I am obsessed with fire- I could watch it for hours and not realize anytime passed by.

This is my favorite time of year. My love for Christmas has intensified 100x the past 2 years because Christmas = my entire family is going to be together. And I love that. I love that more than I love anything. It doesn't happen much anymore because Jami and her family moved to Minnesota last summer and I am in Seattle. Christmas might be the only time we are all together- for the next 3 years anyway.

While Christmas is just a couple weeks away, I don't want to ignore that Thanksgiving was a couple weeks ago. Thanksgiving is my moms favorite holiday- and is becoming my favorite too. I love what Thanksgiving means- I love that it hasn't been too commercialized. I love that you can't go sit on a turkeys lap and tell it what you want (I was flabbergasted when I learned you could go sit on the Easter Bunnys lap!). For me Thanksgiving is a day to reflect and express thanks- and I have so much to be thankful for!

I am thankful for God and the love I know He has for me. His never ending love has been a saving grace in my life.

I am thankful for my mom. Lately I have been so aware of her selflessness. There isn't much time to think about yourself when you're a mother of 5. She is my hero!

I am thankful for my dad. He works so hard for his family. He is able to stay positive when things are hard and doesn't speak badly about anything.

I am thankful for Jami. I turn to Jami when I need a good laugh or when I need to cry or when I need advice- or when I need anything.

I am thankful for Jessica. I feel closer to Jess now than ever before. Sometimes we call each other just to chat- and I love that. She is passionate and giving and has such a beautiful heart!

I am thankful for Nils. He is great example of goodness and hard work. I believe all men should be more like my brother; honest, kind, hard working; and hilarious!

I am thankful for Curtis. Curtis just turned 16 but to me he is more like 25. He has a big heart and is able to see what people really are and what people really need. He is an example of love.

I am thankful for Becka. She is a silent example of goodness (unlike the Nelson clan- who are all very loud). She is loyal and dedicated. She is giving. She is beautiful- her heart is the most beautiful part of her.

I am thankful for Harley. He is the best dog and is always so excited to see me. He has brought so much love and so many smiles to my life (along with a lot of ruined things :-)

I am thankful for my mind, and for my job, and for my bed, and that I can go to the grocery store and get all my food- sure does make things easy! I am afraid I would die if I was responsible for growing and killing my own food. I am thankful for my clothes and my car and all of the things that make my life easier (easier but sometimes more complicated).

I am soooo thankful for the beautiful earth. There have been a lot of times where I lose my breath or become completely speechless because Im in awe of my surroundings.

I am thankful for my body. It allows me to do what I want to do. I can walk and run and climb and swim and dance. I love to dance!

There are soo many other things I am thankful for- like little moments in the day when I feel happy because a song comes on that reminds me of a happy memory. I feel thankful when I see little kids or hear laughter.

People say you should have the Christmas spirit all year long- but I think it would be more productive to have the Thanksgiving spirit all year long. Being thankful can change the world.

No place like home

2010-11-18T19:08:00.000-08:00

I was able to go home last weekend and I absolutely loved being there. I wish I could have stayed- maybe forever. It felt so great- the only thing that was missing was Jami and I missed her every second. I love being with my family.

The most exciting family updates revolve around Curtis. He was Freddie in his school play, My Fair Lady and did a great job! I was lucky enough to be home during the performances and will give you a little preview.

FALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

2010-11-06T17:59:00.000-07:00

There are a few reasons I love fall. It is absolutely beautiful! And I feel lucky because Seattle has had an extra long and extra beautiful fall. I have loved it. The trees look like they are on fire. The air is the perfect tempature. And my insides can't help but smile.

Harley likes the fall too. Here he is at the park playing in the leafs.

I've never been a huge fan of Halloween. I mean, I like it- but I don't LOVE it like some of my friends and family. This year was different though because I was so excited about our costume. Here you have it folks- NOT the Biggest Loser and her trainer Jillian Michaels.This is my Joy the girlscout and I. Its a blurry picture of us showing off our juice but it shows how grossly awesome my costume was. :)And finally, some of the winners of the costume contest. The Biggest Loser and the old school cell phone. I might start liking Halloween now that I realize how great it is to not only be a contender, but to actually WIN costume contests.

I love the fall. I appriciated it more this year. Day after day I was amazed at the beauty around me. I am thankful.

I only like being an adult

2010-10-20T20:59:00.000-07:00

I don't love being an adult. I just like it.

When I was a kid I could do anything. Seriously. I could fly and lift mountains and kill bad guys and I was sure to make a wish on every star. I wished for things like for everyone in the entire world to be happy or that I would be the first girl in the NBA.

One of my favorite parts of visiting my sister in Minnesota was hanging out with Tolman and Addison. I am in awe of them and how their minds work. One moment we are on a boat (blanket) throwing (make believe) food to the fish but not to the sharks (because sharks are mean and eat people) and the next minute Addison is my teacher teaching me the rules of the classroom.

I went star gazing with Tol and he asked me what it'd be like if we lived in space. We laughed and laughed as we imagined how fun it would be to float around all the time and drive spaceships instead of cars.

Being an adult is boring. We don't dance as much or skip or hold hands just because. We don't let go of our imaginations and we have a harder time finding shapes in the clouds. Or maybe we just forget to look up. Everything seems to be so serious when you're an adult. I miss the days of being a kid.

I miss (parts of) high school because the only thing I worried about was basketball practice and occasianally filling my weekends with friends. I miss Brighton Camp and all the singing and daily conversation about God and the beauty of the earth. There certainly wasn't talk about work or money or the sad things that we hear on the news.

I miss the days in Logan when I was taking little tiny baby steps into adulthood. I would go to class and listen to my professors and be amazed at their experience and knowledge. I hoped that I'd be that wise someday. I would lay on the grass at the elementary school and stare at the stars and vocalize my dreams. Supa and Koda would lick my face and bring me back from the clouds. I miss sitting on the ropes course platform feeling like I was on the top of the world. And I was. I was on top of my world. I had all the clarity I needed on what to do and how to be happy- just love everything- and I was beginning to.

And now I am an adult. I have been for awhile but not wanting to admit it. When I go to the fountain in Seattle I usually watch kids play in it instead of playing in it myself. BORING! When I hear music I don't always dance-even when I want to. I am on the computer more than I am outside. Depressing. And I haven't searched for all the shapes in the clouds in a long, long time. It is time to be more like a child. Who is with me?!

Rochester

2010-10-14T19:05:00.000-07:00

I am in Rochester, Minnesota. Jami lives here with her husband and kiddos. She has lived here for about a month because Dave is doing his medical residency at Mayo Clinic. Ive never been to Minnesota so I was excited to visit. And HELLLLLO! The Mall of America is here.

I don't think I could ever live in a place that doesn't have mountains. Minnesota doesn't have mountains. It feels weird. the mountains make directions easy, they are beautiful to look at, and I feel the most happy when I am exploring them. But Minnesota is still pretty-just in a different way.

Jami lives about an hour away from the airport so after she picked me up we got to drive on a highway that was in the middle of corn fields. It was cool. And pretty. She had to drop off library books and I took them in for her-one of the librarians told me she would never live outside of Minnesota because it is so beautiful here. I thought that was interesting and that she should travel a little bit- perhaps visit Utah or Washington-so she could know the definition of beauiful. But I guess beauty is different to everyone (and I guess I am bias).

Tolman and I shot some hoops when we got home from dinner and then, once it got reallly dark, laid on a blanket and to look at the stars. We talked about what we'd want to do if we lived in space and searched for the big dipper. We couldn't find it. I adore that little boy.

I love watching Jami with her kids. I don't remember what Jami was like before she had kids but I know she was different than she is now. She is better. Having kids has magnified all of her best qualities and have brought others out that I didn't know she had. I think thats what happens for most women when they have babies. I look forward to that happening to me. When I see Jame with her kiddos, I get really excited to have kids of my own.

I have a few more days here and will be sure to take pictures. I am so happy to be here- I love every second I get to spend with my family!

The woman at Safeway

2010-10-13T19:47:00.000-07:00

Sooo Becka ran the Portland Marathon last Sunday (I will get get into the details of that later-but she ran INCREIBLE) and on our way out of town we stopped by Safeway to get sandwiches at the deli. We were in line, ordered our sandwiches and then I decided to go get Harley a treat in the pet isle. After I found the perfect treat I went back to the deli and I noticed a woman that I haven't been able to get out of my mind.

The woman was sitting on a stool by the deli. She was probably in her 50's. You could tell she was sad. Sad and/or lonely. She was rubbing her eyes when I first looked at her and when I looked over again I could tell she was crying. I wanted to go talk to her-but I didn't. I wanted to give her hug and tell her things were okay. But I didn't. I got my sandwich, went back to the car, and drove back to Seattle. But I have thought about this woman a handful of times since.

It has made me think about the recent suicides that have been all over the news. Bear with me as I explain.

From my own experience the worst part about being gay before I came out was the lonely feeling- the constant lonely feeling- and fearing that the loneliness would never go away.

There are a lot of unhappy/sad/lonely people out there. Not just people in the LGBT community. There are a lot of people outside of that community who are leaving this world prematurley due to suicide- and there are even more people living but wishing they would/could die. Just like the gay community, people outside of the LGBT community believe that God has been unfair and believe the judgements they receive from family, friends, and strangers are unfair. People are people- and we all experience the same kinds of things. Good and bad.

I don't know what the woman at Safeway was going through on Sunday but I wish I could have extended love. I will next time. I am making a promise to myself.

I wish we would all extend love to the people we know, the people we meet, and the people who are strangers. We all need love. Its the only thing we need.

Skykomish

2010-10-07T20:26:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I wanted to get out of Seattle. I wanted to be in the mountains. Sometimes I crave the mountains but for some reason I don't visit them nearly much as I want to or used to. I have realized that I took for granted that I literally lived minutes away from Logan canyon- the 30 minute drive (without traffic) seems far.

So Friday afternoon I talked to Becka and asked her/told her that we were going to Skykomish for the weekend. It was just what the doctor ordered. We saw some waterfalls, made leaf piles, threw the tennis ball in the river for Harley, spent time in the hot tub, and went to Leaveworth. I didn't take as many pictures as I should have but here is a mini preview of the weekend.

I am so thankful to live in such a beautiful place and to have a body that allows me to enjoy it. I am thankful for the sights- the trees, the sky, the leafs, the river, the everything! I love the smells and the sounds and how my insides feel when Im in the mountains. I love the mountains. I love Skykomish.

Change

2010-10-06T15:13:00.000-07:00

I am changing my world. And I'm happy about it!

There is so much anger that has been communicated in the past few days via facebook and blogs and the news and, well, everywhere. And I'm over it. And I want to change it. So I am going to change it- at least for me.

There is a protest in SLC tomorrow. It will be on the church headquaters. I wish I could go. I wish I could organize it. I would take all the protesters and teach them I am a Child of God. and we'd walk and sing our little hearts out. Of course there will be people there who don't believe in God so they obviously wouldn't believe they are a child of God. But that is besides the point. The point would be to communicate respect and observation we are more the same than we are different. We are all people. We all want love and acceptance. And a lot of us, despite differences, love God. Personally, I would want to sing my testimony that I know I am a child of God and that my gay peers are, too. I would want to communicate that we know that the LDS church disapproves of our lifestyle but we still love God and a lot of us have a personal relationship with Him and are relying on His final judgement-rather than the daily judgements we are receiving. Some of us can't believe in Him. Maybe its because our circumstances are too sad. It is hard to believe a loving Heavenly Father would allow our life happenings to actually happen (being kicked out of our houses, contemplating suicide, constant harassment, lies to stay worthy, etc..) so a belief in God is wiped away. Or maybe the idea of a God just doesn't make sense. But like I said, those differences are small. We are all more alike than different.

I am hopeful that society will come to an agreement that the single thing that makes us the same is we all want to be loved and accepted. and it all starts with individuals. I will make it start with me.

I am changing my world.

My day

2010-10-05T15:51:00.000-07:00

Who am I kidding? I didn't become a regular blogger until I 'came out' but decided I didn't want to only focus on gay topics or being a gay person. I am other things too you know. I am good at basketball. I'm not a good singer but really, really wish I was. I am can sale just about anything. I consider most people my friend-or a potential friend and I have worlds cutest dog. But gosh dang it, despite all of that, I feel like I am being forced to focus on gay type issues.

My name is Chelsea Nelson and I will continue with my story.

I don't need to start with a horrible episode in the life of Chelsea. I don't need to give the details of the day I went to Bill Bernards garage with a gun with the plan to shoot myself. Or a day of the years of severe depression when I pleaded to God to take my life so I could stop thinking about doing it. I don't need to talk about how hard it was to wear the smile that I put on my face throughout middle and high school or how it felt like every word of praise from family and friends were the things that kept me alive. I will start by telling you about today.

Today started great! It was a beautiful day in Seattle! I swear, the day I neglect to see the beauty of this place is the day I will move. I got up, got ready for work, and was on my way. I was stuck in traffic-which is typical- so I turned on music and sang with the radio. I had 2 big meetings today so I rehersed my presentations in my head and then outloud. I looked good this morning- I recently bought some new work clothes which included 2 new suits and today I wore the black one. When I got to work 2 coworkers were sitting in my office. Sidenote: I started my new job about 2 months ago and decided to bring in a few pictures yesterday. One of my family. One of my neice and nephew. And one of Becka (my girlfriend) and I. My coworkers started to tell me that my family is beautiful and that Tol and Addi are the cutest kids they've seen. Then one asked who my friend was. I said, 'That's my girlfriend Becka." "Why don't you have pictures of your other girlfriends?" "No. She is my girlfriend- my partner." Blank stare. "I am gay." "Oooooh" Blank stare. Awkward silence. "We need to get back to work." They left.

A few minutes later one of them comes back.

"Sorry about that. Sue (not real name) isn't comfortable with gay people." "Oh thats okay." "We had wondered if you were gay. We asked Joe (not real name) if you were last week and he said he thought so." "Well, Joe was right." "Oh sorry-was that awkward?" "Umm, yes. But its okay. Next time you have a question about my personal life, feel free to ask me." "Sorry Chelsea. I better get back to work."

Then later from same person via email. work stuff. blah blah blah- but this is how it ended. "I just saw all these reports of gay teen suicides on facebook. What do you think about all of this."

This, among a lot, lot more is what I wanted to say.

These kids killed themselves because they don't feel like people. They don't feel like people because people treat them like aliens. These kids were taught in elementry school that they can be whatever they want to be. They can be doctors, professional athletes, artists, musicians, ANYTHING- except gay. It's true. Kids learn from adults. They learn from TV. Kids are smart. They listen to what we say. And what are we saying? Gays can't get married, gays can't serve in the military- they can die for their country but only if they lie about who they are, and they can't be a member of a church they absolutely believe in and love.

I wanted to continue with, "please don't bring up my personal life anymore. And I wont bring up yours either. And if we become friends later on and we have a sincere interest in each others lives, then we can talk about these kinds of things."

Now I am home and I am going to get ready to go to the gym. After that, I am going to eat dinner and get ready for tomorrow, and maybe read a book. And I am going to respond to a few emails from friends who wrote to express their acceptance after the talk given by Elder Packer. And I am going to tell them that I still love the church. Because I do.

Love is the only thing I believe in right now.

Conference

2010-10-03T17:37:00.000-07:00

I don't know how I feel right now. I feel confused and sad but I feel kind of empowered too. General Conference was on today and I watched some of it. I watched Boyd K Packers give his talk about pornography and same sex attraction, being gay, and how marriage should be between a man and a woman.

My opinion? My opinion is kids die from talks like that. Seriously.

Read this and while you're at it, read this, too.

There were times I went to bed hoping I wouldn't wake up the next morning. I took bottles of advil, benedryl, and a prescription drug (that I can't remember the name of) on different occasions because I didn't want to be gay. My biggest fear was that I'd be a disappointment to my family, to my friends, to my church, and to my God- and I rather have died than do that.

Luckily for me, most of my attempts to leave this world were naive and didn't cause anything more than a sick stomach and really long naps. But I am a lucky one. Too many leave this world-or are taken from this world from people who hate us because of our sexual orientation.

I'm not going to say that Elder Packer is wrong. I don't know if what he said wrong. All I know is that I have had spiritual experiences where I have felt that I am okay being me. I have felt and continue to feel that God loves me- all of me- even the gay part of me.

Even if you agree with what Elder Packer said, I, a gay woman, who tried for the majority of my life not to be gay, continue to plead for what I have always pleaded for- love, acceptance, and tolerance. Don't support gay marriage if you can't support it but love your gay friends, your gay neighbors, your gay family members.

Wanderings

2010-09-14T21:05:00.000-07:00

Seattle Storm. They are a WNBA team. They are currently in the WNBA Finals. The series is 2-0 for Seattle. They are playing the Atlanta Dream. The Storm haven't lost a game this year at home. Lauren Jackson, their center, was the 2010 MVP. And nobody knows about it. In fact, tonight was game 2 (in Seattle) and I, living in Seattle, couldn't even watch the game because I don't have a fancy cable package. And I find it to be ridiculous. (can you imagine the NBA or NFL or World Cup or any other FINALS of a popular sport not being on TV?!)

Wipeout is on right now. Hilarious! My friend/old Brighton Camp Director is on there and I can't stop laughing. Teva, I'm envious. I would love to be on Wipeout- but Im convinced I would be in bed for a good week with an aching body if I ever did get on the show.

I get family sick at least once a month. Which is better than daily-like I did about a year ago. I have an incredible family and I wonder when I will live close to them again. Sometimes I wish it was now. I wish it was now when I get family sick. When I think about other aspects of living in Utah, I hope never.

I got a new job a few months ago and couldn't be happier with my employment. I look forward to work everyday. And Im good at it. And I work with people who believe in me- which makes me believe in myself more. Isn't it funny how that works?

Harley is still the cutest dog. I look forward to seeing him everyday and he looks forward to see me everyday too. People still stop me on the street and tell me he is the cutest dog they have ever seen. And I love it when that happens. Every time.

I worked out today. Twice. I did P90X and played basketball. I laughed a lot at work. I took Harley for a short walk. Becka sent me a really nice message that made me choke up a little. Friends came over for dinner. They left. My mind started to wander and this entry is the result.

Now it is time to relax.

Nie Nie

2010-09-13T08:18:00.000-07:00

For the last year or so I have been a reader of the Nie Nie Dialogues and yesterday I clicked on the website and watched this amazing video. I am touched. I am inspired. I want to be more like Stephanie Nielson.

I want to know what my purpose is. I want to feel peace in what I am doing. I want to have my priorties right where (I think) they should be.

I like feeling inspired. I like wanting to be better. I love reading the stories of real life people who are changing the world with love.

I want to change the world with love.

2010-09-04T17:31:00.000-07:00

Every time I see a nose qrinkle from a smile, I think of you. I think of you when I see the color green or talk to someone who I know won't let anything get in the way of their dreams. I think of you when I see a Sportage or a Dodge truck or a car that is that (ugly) purple color. When I see beautiful sunsets or people enjoying a meaningful, thought provoking conversation, or red rocks, I think of you. When I am having a bad day and want to be cheered up or have ideas about changing the world, I think about you. When I hear certain songs- particularly those funny heavy medal songs you used to like, I think of you. I think of you when I have good news or when people get sick or when I'm in the mood to goof around.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, even after all this time, I miss you.

It's too bad that some things change. Things like death and distance and differences. I guess its all part of life though.

I am better because of you.

Be remarkable.

Silly

2010-09-03T08:23:00.001-07:00

I like to be silly.

When I hear music I like to dance- even when I'm alone. Even when I'm walking down the street. Even when I'm at work or with people I don't know. For date nights I like to finger paint. I like to sit on overpass bridges and watch cars go by. I like to get on my hands and knees and play with my dog pretending that I'm a dog too. I like setting my tent up on my bed and pretend I'm camping during the week. I like playing with Tol and Ad because I like playing imagining with them. I like to listen to the Glee soundtrack and sing every word while pretending to be a really good singer. Wouldn't it be fun if my life was a musical? I like to sing instead of talk. I like to cook dinner in the firepit in the backyard. I like to climb trees. I like to explore and find pretty rocks. and sticks. I like to lay on my back and see shapes in the clouds. I like to pick berries and I like to get dirty while doing it. I like to skip instead of walk.

I like to be silly.

I hope I always like to be silly.

Laughter

2010-07-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

Laughter is the best medicine. It is the best everything- the best activity, the best past-time, the best pick-me-up- the best date, the best everything! And I have to admit, I laughed harder than I can remember last week. I was with my family in Moab- and felt like a giddy little kid again. It had been years since my family had been on a family vacation- and it was concluded that we have to do it way more often- because we become closer (which is hard to imagine), and have soo much fun!

We spent our time hiking, exploring, talking, laughing, swimming, and wishing that our time there wouldn't run out. Being there with Tolman and Addison was a real treat- watching them hike around and become excited about the littlest things was a reminder that we should all strive to be like children. Curtis and I hiked around all the big rocks, and went cliff jumping, and we talked. Curtis and I always have good talks. Nils was the work horse. He carried everyones gear- including the kids and I always become captivated by his wisdom and dedication to goodness. Jess cheered everyone up and kept our spirits up. She is quirky and funny and she doesn't get scared-even when she jumps off high cliffs. I cherish every conversation I have with Jami. She is my sound and solid voice. And she was such a trooper! She had a little precedure a few days before Moab, and she still did it all! And my parents are hilarious and truly inspiring! My mom lugged around her oxygen tank to every place we went. And my dad was at her side helping her. They laughed together and sang songs together and continued their example of love. I caught myself smiling just looking at my parents. They make me happy. The best kind of happy.

On the last day of our time in Moab, Becka and I decided to rent a jeep and explore areas in Moab. We took the top off and cruised on top of cliffs, in little streams, and up steep hills. It was insane and amazingly cool! Our first stop was Gemini Bridges and the second was Onion Creek Canyon. Let me just say that during our second stop, Onion Creek Canyon, we all laughed harder than we could remember. My mom was pounding the dash board and stomping her feet because she was laughing so hard. She couldn't breathe. It was sooo good for the soul to laugh that hard while being in 0ne of the most beautiful of all creations. It was the kind of laughter that came from the heart. True happiness. Perfection. The best kind of laughter. I was in heaven.

I was more than delighted that Becka was able to be there! She is part of the family and adds so much happiness to my life. She is an amazing person! Everything is better when she is around. I love you, Becka!

Thanks to the Richardson family for this amazing trip!

PRIDE

2010-06-25T09:19:00.000-07:00

Taking a little break from the health kick- and writing about Pride.

This weekend is PRIDE weekend in Seattle. And I must say, I haven't looked forward to a weekend as much as I am looking forward to this weekend in a long time.

I am happy to me. I like me. If I weren't me, I would want to be my friend. I have pride in who I am. And this weekend I am going to celebrate!

I have spent some time learning about the history of Pride weekends- when and why they started. Pride started in New York City in 1969 when a group of gay people fought back againt government groups that persecuted sexual minorities. This particular event is referred to as the Stonewall Riots. It certainly is an interesting thing to be studied. But it makes me wonder- Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks and people like them are heroes for fighting for equal rights- but the individuals who fought and continue to fight for a different kind of equal rights remain nameless.

I went to Pride last year- but I didn't feel pride. I looked around and wondered if anyone was looking or judging and I felt bad. I felt bad to be me.

So what has changed in one year?

I have had so many silent conversations with myself, and with God. See, the thing is, I didn't want to be gay. There was a time I rather die than be gay. And unfortunatly, parts of me did die because of the self hatred. But then it hit me, I must be okay- because God made me. And that confidence has grown and grown- and I know that I am okay. And I am thankful that God loves me.

Today I am the best version of myself simply because I love freely and fully and without fear.

Everyone should celebrate Pride weekend. Everyone should have Pride in themselves and who they are.

Thought I would share some pictures of the best things and people in my life!

Wealth

2010-05-18T10:32:00.000-07:00

You know how people say that being rich doesn't always equal to being wealthy? I feel the same about being skinny and fit-those terms don't always equal healthy.

I'm not on a quest to lose weight or get skinny (although I wouldn't frown upon those results) but on a quest to become a better, happier, and healthier woman. And in my opinion, the first place to start is attitude.

There have been times in my life when I feel my insides are smiling. It's a feeling of gratitude and thankfulness-even for unfortunate things. It is a feeling I am in love with.

Story time.....

My amazing mom was able to come spend Mother's Day with me this year. I was soo glad to have her! We hung out mostly-and took an occasional outing to the park, or the pier, or down the street to get a pedicure. I am so glad that we were able to spend so much time together-mostly talking. She told me that when she sees people out running or working out she hopes that they have gratitude for the air and for their lungs.

My mom has to have oxygen on her all the time. Her lungs don't work. They are crystallizing. Years ago my mom was a runner, a choir participant, her kid's biggest cheer leader-among other things. Now she has a hard time walking a few blocks because she looses her breath.

During our conversations, I became grateful for the opportunity I have to breath. I fell in love with a working body. I became excited to skip and jump and ride my bike-like when I was little-just because I am capable of doing those things.

Soooo I guess the moral of the story is being grateful makes my insides smile. And I have so much to be grateful for-including my working and somewhat curvy body! And my new found gratefulness makes me excited to use it, to play with it, and to take good care of it.

Harley Boy, me, and my mom on Mother's Day 2010

Health check

2010-05-17T13:48:00.000-07:00

I have neglected my blog for months now-there has been an occasinioal post but nothing consistent. I guess I didn't feel like there was anything significant to write about-so I felt my blog lost meaning.

BUT!!!!!!!! DRUM ROLL please.............this weekend I committed to myself to write about a new and somewhat uncomfortable topic....

After experiecing some hard things the past few months and being inspired by a few people I have decided to dedicate a portion of my blog to my journey in becoming a better, more healthy Chelsea.

I'm not unhealthy but I'm certainly not as healthy as I should/could be. Thoughout the last several months the fact that my body is what I make of it has really set in. Throughout my life I have been around a lot of sickness. My parents have both fought, and are presently fighting, life threatening diseases. Being 'sick' has been a normal thing in my life. Watching my mom go through her most current battle has made me love myself and love my body more-and has made me want to take care of it better.

But lets face it, I don't want to get healthier just for my future. This weekend I went to Shea's wedding and I wasn't as comfortable in my awesome outfit as I would've liked. I have two more weddings to go to this summer and you can count on the fact that I will look and feel better!

There are other people who have motivated me to become healthier. My dad, who is a walking miracle, is a new triathlete. My sister Jess is competing in her first marathon in October. My girlfriend has ran several marathons. My friend Lindsey made a blog about her getting healthier adventure. http://milesyboy.blogspot.com/ which she started nearly a year ago-and man oh man! She has done a GREAT job!

I am going to copy Linds and document my goals, successes, failures, and positive changes I am making in my life.

So here is to a better and healthier and happier Chelsea. Check in for updates!

please pray for my mom

2010-01-28T21:26:00.000-08:00

Not really up for going into all the details but I feel it's important that I get this out there, for my mom's sake.A while back she was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease called mixed connective tissue disease. One of the major complications that can occur in patients with this is the loss of lung function. We've known this all along, but were hoping that if it happened, it wouldn't be for a while.Her amazing doctors ran the lung function tests on her last November and the results showed her lungs were operating on the "low end of normal." The doctors ran the same tests again this past week and the results weren't good. In fact, her pulmonologist's words were that her Interstitial Lung Disease is moving "remarkably fast."She is on a few different medications, including a very high dose of prednisone and constant oxygen.The damage to her lungs can't be reversed, but the hope is that the rapid digression will slow waaay down and that she will feel better. She has felt so sick!

We are having a fast for her this Sunday, which will actually begin Saturday night @ 8 pm. My family would be so grateful and appreciative for you to join us.We know our Heavenly Father can work miracles through our faith, and that is what we're praying for- a miracle.

I know.

2010-01-21T21:23:00.000-08:00

I remember sitting in my Institute class my junior year of college. I was taking a class about the Book of Mormon prophets. Brother Harding said over and over throughout every class that knowledge is power.

I believe that now more than ever before.

I know that God lives.
I know that He has a plan for me.
I know that miracles occur daily.
I know Gods plan is a plan of happiness-and no matter our circumstrance, there is a way to be happy.
I know I will be with my family beyond this life.
I know prayers are answered.
And most importantly, I know God loves me!

Everything will be okay.

strive to be like my dog because...

2010-01-10T10:57:00.000-08:00

he is sweet

no matter what time it is, he is always excited to see me-or see anyone

he gives good kisses

he loves unconditionally

he makes people smile

he is smart-he knows how to sit, roll over, shake, high five, and spin-and he is potty trained

he is the best listener! he doesn't try to fix my problems-he just listens and gives kisses

he is up for whatever whenever

he is a good travel buddy. he has already been to Portland, Hood River, and Salt Lake

he is a good all the time buddy

And I will try to be as good of a person as my dog believes I am!

Want

2009-12-27T13:12:00.000-08:00

I want to be a better athlete. I want to run and bike and swim and I want to somewhat enjoy it while doing it.

I want to learn to cook. I want to look in cupboards and know how to throw things together to make mouth watering food. I want to invite people over and have them taste delicious food that was prepared by me-not my mom or sister or friend or girlfriend or brother Curtis...I want them to taste food that was prepared by ME.

I want to be more crafty-like my friend Candice. Or my sister, Jami. Or my aunt Mindy. Or anyone who is crafty. I want to be able to see something in my mind and in some form, create it.

I want to be a mom. I want to teach my kids that everything is beautiful. I want to take them on the roof in the middle of the night to star gaze. I want to have Christmas with my kids and take them to go see Santa Clause. I want to teach them to be nice and how to share and most importantly, that they are awesome simply because they're kids.

I want to change the world. When I was in 8th grade I told Mr Ruesch that I wanted to be in a history book someday-so little girls could read it and think, 'I want to be like her.' I asked him how I could do it-how I can get inside of a history book for doing good things-like Mother Teresa. He told me that I just needed to be my best self all the time, no matter what, and no matter who I was with.

I want to take a nap.

Rock Climbing

2009-11-23T21:35:00.000-08:00

I went rock climbing today. It was the first time in about 6 months. I loved it. I wasn't very good-my fingers hurt-the rocks and wall felt like sand paper. My fingers felt like they were going to bleed-a part of my pinkie did. It felt good to do something I love-after we were done climbing we sat on the couch and I looked around and remembered why I fell in love with things like that-things like rock climbing.

Everyone is soo nice. They encourage each other-sometimes without saying anything. People are in every position pushing themselves to get just a little higher-or to complete the next problem.

I will certainly be visiting the climbing gym more often. Its important to do things you love-things that make you feel alive.

And its nice to come home to a cute little fur ball!!

mmmmmmmmmmmmm

2009-11-12T21:18:00.000-08:00

Time to snap my fingers and change things up a bit. My blog has been a depressing array of thoughts the last couple entries but let me assure you, my dear reader, life is beautiful.

First of all....put your hands together and let me hear a drum roll as I introduce to you a new important part of my life.... Meet Harley boy.
There have been times Becka was carrying him and people thought he was a stuffed animal. We stopped at a coffee shop the other day and I put Harley on the table and the barista came out to tell me he was the cutest pup she had ever seen. It made me smile.

He is just shy of 3 months-and have had him for close to a month-and already I have so much love for this little guy. He is a terror at times but he has learned fast-as is almost potty trained. It is amazing how much love an animal can bring in to your life in nearly no time at all.

I don't have kids-like most of my friends who have blogs-but Harley is my baby-so perhaps my blog will be covered in pictures and stories about him. Time will tell.

Beyond my news of having a puppy, my mom came to visit me! I was thrilled to have her here-giddy almost. My moms health has been less than perfect but it was good to visibly see her and talk with her and experience beautiful weather with her. I adore my mother and admire her determination and the love she has for me, makes me love and appreciate myself a little more than I do. She loves me perfectly.

this is the only picture we took while she was here-its on the fairy-on our way to pick up Harley

Work is going fabulously well. Today I got to shoot shotguns in a clay pigeon shooting contest. It was my first time. It was fun. My shoulder is sore.

The sun was out today-and yesterday-which contradicted what the weather man said. I'm glad when that happens. I am planning adventures. Becka and I want to go to Hawaii. I got a free trip there last year-and never used it. I could use some time in the beach-but who couldn't?!

I miss my family. I miss my family everyday-so much that it makes me crazy sometimes. But then I was talking to a friend of mine here and she was telling me that she doesn't get along with her family-she said she doesn't like her family. After that I was soo glad that I missed my family as much as I do. Maybe it testifies how much we love each other.

You know, I am a firm believer in what they say-its all about your attitude.

mom

2009-09-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

I hadn't prayed for along time. I didn't feel comfortable praying. I felt like if I prayed God would say, "don't be gay." and "break up with the Becka." and then scream over and over "DON'T BE GAY!" He didn't. He said that He loved me. And He comforted me. And then in the morning He reminded me that He said that by letting me hear the birds outside my window and allowing the sun to peak through the blinds. I was humbled. I love God. He love me too.

The last few months have been LONG. I went through a few health problems, got real homesick, my home in Utah had some major water problems, my girlfriend got laid off, I had a few visits from people from home, I went and visited home-Becka came too and we turned the trip into a Western United States road trip, and in a few weeks I'm planning on getting a new puppy.

However, the most important/thought consuming/pressing thing that has happened in the last few months is the up and down health of my mom. My mom is a fighter. My mom IS A FIGHTER and, in my opinion, has been through more than any person should ever have to go through-but that isn't for me to decide-it's just what life has in store for certain people. For anyone who reads my blog, please pray for my mom. And pass the word along. Her story is what got me on my knees again. I pleaded to God that she would be okay. That she would feel okay and be able to stay positive. I let Him know that I need a mom and that my little brother Curtis needs a mom and that the WORLD needs MY mom. Other people prayed for her. We had a family fast on Sunday-people in the ward and friends joined too. I believe, I truly believe, that the only thing that will help her is the love of her Heavenly Father-perhaps extended from the people around her. Read her blog to get more information.
My mom keeps our family together and has always taught us to be kind to each other-and to everyone. There is no one in my life who I'd like to be more like. She has the kindest heart, is fast to forgive and the fastest person I know at offering herself to help someone in need.

I love you, Mom!

My best buddy

2009-07-15T15:59:00.000-07:00

Can you believe that that guy in the picture with me is my little brother Curtis. It was hard for me to believe when I saw him on the airport. I couldn't believe it. He isn't little Curtis anymore-not even close.
Curtis came and stayed with me for a couple days and we had a great time! We kept busy busy and explored parts of Seattle. We talked a lot and more than anything else, we just enjoyed each other.
We have always been close-Curtis and me and during these couple days we just got closer. We were able to talk about things we've never talked about and experience things together that neither of us have done before-like the paddle boats on Greenlake!

Thanks for a great few days, Curtis. I love you more than I will ever be able to express. You are such a good person and you're able to impact people through your goodness. I feel lucky that you're my brother and I'm excited to see you in a few weeks! YAY!

I shouldn't post this (because my sister Jami is a hair GOD and might kill us for putting bleach from the store in our hair) but Curtis and I colored our hair. Becka helped us. I have decided that since I'm not close to Jami, I am not going to go find someone else and spend loads of money on getting my hair colored-and the stuff at the store works just fine. The Nelson's have big heads and big mouths.

Curtis loved finger painting! And was really happy that there was a bib. He painted the earth for me and it's currently hanging on the fridge!

Paddle boats at Greenlake with Ferg and Elizabeth

On top of the Space Needle.

We went to the fountain by the Seattle Center but it had turned off for the day. Bummer.

Curtis wanted to try Seattle pizza. It was the only thing on the list of things he HAD to do. On the count of 3 look as happy as you can! 1.........2............3...................Sorry to cut you out of the picture Ferg.

two places at once

2009-07-05T22:38:00.000-07:00

No wonder I was soo tired! No wonder I took a 2.5 hour nap when I intended to lay down for just a few minutes. I was all over the place this weekend... read on...

I worked on Thursday. Then I went to Greenlake and played basketball. Then I walked around the lake. Becka helped me understand that I shouldn't walk around Greenlake by myself when its dark. She reminded me that I don't live in Utah anymore-that Washington is a little more dangerous. On Friday I went on a bike ride. It was a ride that should have taken about an hour-well, an hour each way. BUT it took us 2 hours just one way because I wasn't feeling well-AT ALL-I threw up on the trail. Yuck. We went to the Tegan and Sara that night. I saw Chelsea Householder. I hadn't seen her in a few months. I love her. Yesterday, which was the 4th, we went to a bbq and then to another and then back to the first. The 4th of July has always been one of my favorite holidays.

I also found myself on the trail to Doughnut Falls with my siblings. I was in Park City with the extended family. We sat around the table and laughed and talked about playing Court with gram. I was on top of a mountain in Switzerland watching the sunset. I watched and watched and watched and thought of the sky of everyone I knew lighting up as my sky became dark. I spent a little bit of time in my last business class. I loved my professor. He thought I was brilliant and told me I was going to be successful. I was on Darth, my first scooter, doing up Big Cottonwood Canyon and then I was on Big Red going up Logan Canyon to go climbing. I was at Tol's preschool graduation-which was a few weeks earlier but luckily when you go to places in your mind, it doesn't really matter when they really happen-you can go wherever you want whenever you want.

All I'm sayin is that I hear people say, "I wish I could be in two places at once." You can. I was all over the place this weekend. All over the entire world. And far in my future and back in my past.

Supa and Koda

2009-06-25T21:33:00.000-07:00

I have spent a lot of time thinking and remembering today.

I remember going to Body World at the library in Salt Lake a couple months ago. While I was there I learned that a person can die from a broken heart. I don't like that. I rather die from old age, or from being shot, or burnt than die from a broken heart. My heart has been broken before-it was the worst pain I have ever felt.

Today I remembered a particular day I went cross country skiing with Supa and Koda-they were my pups...I wish I had pictures of them to post. I don't. I don't have a single picture because my computer broke...and they were all erased. I thought about how they were like babies...how people would stop me wherever I was to tell me how cute they were. They were perfect dogs. I miss them.

I remembered the day I bought my house. I was so excited. I remember building the fence and finishing the hardwood floors and painting and learning a little about electrical stuff. I am trying to sell my house right now.

I remembered how excited I was to move to Washington-and then when I got in the truck to actually drive here I was devastated with my decision. I realized I was completely impulsive-that I was leaving everything and everyone that meant something to be to blaze a new trail-a trail that I am now happy as ever to be on.

I remembered going to a Jazz game with my dad-back in the day when they played in the Salt Palace. I sat on his lap and he spoke very intently about the game. I could feel his passion for it. He passed the passion to me.

I remembered my friend Krista. She was my friend and teammate in highschool. She committed suicide her senior year. She was an all-star. After she died I knew that people who appear to be happy on the outside might be dying on the inside. Krista appeared to be the happiest of happy!

I remembered going to Disney Land with my family. Tolman wanted to keep going on Its a Small World-or maybe he just wanted us to sing it over and over. I remember his face as we were on the ride. He was in heaven.

I remembered what it was like when life was a little simpler-the days when I could roll out of bed and change my shirt if I wanted and head to school. I'd walk up and down the halls saying hi to as many people that I passed and go to class only if I wanted. I would go to basketball practice and daydream about being great, I would joke with teammates about everything-that was Chelsea- the practical joker- and talk about what I wanted to eat for dinner.

I remembered when I was more confident. More confident and more sure of, well, everything.

2009-06-24T16:44:00.000-07:00

After reading this, I had to call my dad and tell him that I love him.

Moving

2009-06-23T00:27:00.000-07:00

Kerry is going to Korea for the summer. She leaves tomorrow. After the summer she is moving to Chicago for grad school.
Ariel and Dave just moved to Iowa for his dental residency. They visited me a few days ago because they are trying to decide where they are going to go once that is over. Washington is on their list of places they are considering...
Jami and Dave are moving to Minnesota in about a year. They will be there for a couple years.
My brother Nils is in Arizona for the summer.
I have reconnected with old friends on facebook and in this crazy blogging world who are spread out across the globe.
My family is in Utah. Utah and New York and Rhode Island and California. But most are in Utah.

And I am in Washington. I am in Bothell, Washington alone in my house at 12:31am on a Monday night. I keep bouncing around the web looking at different maps and pointing out to myself all the places I know people. Looking at maps and globes make me feel small. I like feeling small. I like feeling like a big deal sometimes too but feeling small is more accurate to reality. I like it. Feeling small makes me feel motivated to create. Create something for myself-or out of myself...haven't really figured it out yet.

All I know is that people, people I know, are moving to create something different for themselves. I want to jump on that bandwagon! Luckily for me though (and the only reason I say luckily is I HATE moving and have had to do it A LOT in the past year) I just have to move around in my mind a little, tweak a few of my habits and beliefs.

Yesterday

2009-06-18T11:53:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was a significant day for me. June 17th is a day that will forever and ever symbolize a new beginning for me. It was a day that one of the most important people in my life passed on and four years after that another one of the most important people to me was born.

June 17th, 2000: My best friend Ashley Richardson was taken from us as a result of a car accident.
It was a beautiful day without a cloud in the sky...Ash called me asking if I wanted to go spend time at her sisters house-she was house-sitting there because Emily was out of town. In most circumstances I would have been there is a second-I always had soo much fun with Ashley and took advantage of every opportunity to hang out with her. But for some reason, a reason that I really can't explain, I decided that I wanted to go hiking by myself-something I didn't usually do on beautiful summer days.
On the way home from the mountain there was some traffic on the freeway. I passed an accident. I saw a jeep that was turned on its side. I later found out I drove by Ashley's accident. She was in that jeep.

I stopped at a friends house on my way home from the mountain. Then I went home. My dad met me on the porch. He had tears in his eyes. I asked him what was wrong never expecting what did come out of his mouth to come out of his mouth. He told me Ashley was in a car accident and that she didn't make it. I asked him, "Ashley who?" He told me Ashley Richardson. I didn't believe him. I talked to her earlier that day. But he assured me it was her. I was devastated. I didn't realize how much she meant to me until she was gone and I didn't realize how much she impacted my life until she died. She still impacts me. I will forever be grateful for the influence she has had on my life. I am better because of her. I forgive quicker because of her. I listen better because of her. I am generally slow to get angry and quick to give praise all because of her encouragement. I appreciate my family more because of her. I love myself more because of her. I recognize greatness in simplicity because of her. I have a better relationship with God because of her.

Ashley was most certainly the most loving and giving friend I had ever had. She introduced to me what true friendship was and introduced what a real and personal relationship with God looked like. I love her forever and ever!

June 17th, 2004: I was in Alaska. A few months before June 17th, Court found a lodge online that would hire both of us for the summer-Riversong Lodge-so we packed up our bags and went to Alaska. I went to breakfast with Jami the morning I was going to leave...Jami took me to Village Inn and gave me an empty photo album...an album that I was supposed to fill up with the pictures she was going to send me of my unborn nephew.

I can't remember what I was doing on June 17th when I got the call that informed me that Jami had her baby. Tolman James Lamborn was born-I had a nephew!!

Like I keep saying, I was in Alaska-I hadn't even seen or held the little guy but I loved him immediately. I don't know how old he was when I actually got to meet him-I think he was a couple weeks old but what I do know is I have never fallen in love so quickly. And the love that I felt for him during the converation that I learned of his birth has only intensified 10 fold.

Tolman turned 5 yesterday. I can hardly believe it. Its hard for me to conceptualize how much love is packed into his little body. Love and joy and excitement and perfection. I adore him and know that we will be best buddies forever and ever.

Highs and Lows

2009-06-03T18:41:00.000-07:00

Soooooooo much to write about.

First, today I feel better. The last few days, maybe last few weeks I was feeling a little down-not like normal, happy go-lucky, always look on the bright side of things Chelsea.

There was a moment I even considered moving back to Utah. When that thought entered, I had to seriously take a look at where these thoughts/feelings were coming from to determine how seriously I should consider these ideas that would pop into my mind.

I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my house in Logan and my puppies that I had to give away. I miss the Utah bubble. I miss being around people who understand the Mormon religion-around people who I don't have to defend or debate the religion with. I miss my siblings. I realize I already said that I miss my family but I really miss my family.

But I am happy to say that my thought of moving home was merely a thought-that when I took time with Chelsea for Chelsea I determined where that idea came from. My health hasn't been great, my job is really changing, and although I have good friends here, I haven't had the time and experience with them that really creates lifelong lasting relationships. Sooo...all of this points to one thing...I am searching for something consistent in my life because there really isn't anything consistent right now...and the thing that is always and will always be consistent is my family and the love we have for each other.

Now lets update my readers on the happenings in Washington.

The weather is great! Around 80 degrees right now-and people complain that it's too hot. I laugh as I think about my days on the ropes course. 100-107 degrees all summer. And then I think of my brother in Arizona. HOT HOT HOT! I have been experiencing some of Washington's recreation lately. Over Memorial Day weekend I went camping. It was great. There was a group of about 25 girls who went. We went to Eastern Washington-it reminded me of Utah. Becka and I and a friend named Erica went kayaking last week. We went to Lake Union...I think (so many bodies of water-I get mixed up). We had a great view of the city-and looking at the city made my mind go crazy. Its interesting that somebody decided to build a city in a location that is literally surrounded by water. But whatever-it seems to work.

I am feeling a little more confident getting around but I still struggle. Finding an address without my GPS is nearly impossible. I don't know how people do it. I used to pride myself in my sense of direction and ability to get places but man oh man...not anymore. I feel lost 80% of the time.

Now to a low point in the last few weeks.
This is Shirley. She was involved in a hate crime a couple weeks ago. She was at a club in Seattle with some friends and when she went outside she was beaten by a big burly guy who kept telling her she should die because of her sexual orientation-while his friends circled up around them-not allowing anyone to help her.I had only met Shirley a few times before this happened and was introduced to the story from a mutual friend. When I heard about it, I wished there was something I could do to help. I was just contacted a few hours ago asking if I could write out my story and if I have any contacts to share Shirley's story with. Yes, yes and yes. I was told that the more people who know what happened, the better. I agree.

I have written about this before but let me touch on the topic again...

Why is it important that people live the same way we do. Why is it important that we all have the same ideas and beliefs. Why is it important that we love only the people who are like us?

I used to be a camp counselor. On Monday nights I would take my campers to Centry Rock. Before we got to the rock though I would tell them to go find something in nature that they thought was pretty. A rock, a leaf, a stick-anything they could carry. Then we would sit on the rock and watch the sunset. We would talk about how pretty it was. How perfect that moment on the rock with the sun setting and the sky turning every color of the rainbow was. Then we would discuss how boring it would be if every sunset, every tree, every rock, every leaf were the same.... and then the discussion would move to people-how boring the world would be if we were all the same. But sometimes we hate what is different. And I don't understand.

Yes, I can understand that people think that being gay is gross and I can understand that people might think its weird. But I cannot understand how someone could feel soo strongly about it-strong enough to want to kill-and yes...killing Shirley was the intention.

Most of my friends in Washington are gay. They are normal. They are just like me. Most battled with it for along time-wishing they weren't but realizing they couldn't fight who they were born to be. They are people who have dreams, who want families, who get soo sad with the fact they in society, they aren't normal-that they don't have the same rights as the person across the street because of the person they love. We are upstanding citizens-with good jobs and who like volunteering in the community. We love to laugh and have fun and we like doing silly things. When we get sad or happy we like to talk to our parents or siblings or best friends.

Maybe some of us have unusual haircuts and maybe some of us dress a little different. But once you look into our hearts and our minds, we really aren't that different. No, not different at all.

Photo strip of the last few weeks...

2009-05-27T18:25:00.000-07:00

I have kinda been absent from the blogging world the last while. But I am back and a lot has happened. Let's first update with a few pictures..

This is Becka and I with Antonia in the background.

This is Ferg and I on one of our outings.

Becka and I went on a bike ride/long boarding adventure

Me and 4th cousin Melanie at a bbq

Brunch at Ivars

Explanations will come later....

2009-05-14T17:30:00.000-07:00

I woke up missing my family this morning.

I miss how my dad hugs me-sometimes he does it for no apparent reason. I also miss playing ball with him.
I miss how my mom makes me laugh because of her randomness.
I miss how Jami always has the best advice. (of course I can call her for that, but its different face-to-face)
I miss hearing Jessica's opinion about EVERYTHING.
I miss how Nils tells me that he is praying for me. (again, he does that over the phone, but different).
I miss how Curtis always go out and do fun things. Last time I was home, I taught him how to drive.
I miss how Dave tells me about school.
I miss how Tolman and Addi, but particularly Tolman, light up every time they see me.
I miss seeing my grandparents at dinner on Sundays.

I miss being in my parents home-I always feel good there. I miss hearing my mom play the piano. I miss hearing Curtis read poetry. I miss playing Settlers with Jess...with the rest of the fam too but mostly Jess. I miss going to the park with the kiddos.

I just miss being with the most important people in my life. Thats all.

(But please, particularly mom, don't let this post confuse you. I am doing really well.)

What a week!

2009-05-11T16:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't visited my blog in awhile and have felt the urge...

First off, Happy Mother's Day to my mom!! I love you, mom! And Happy Mother's Day to my sister Jami and Grandma Carol-and all the other mothers out there-but particularly to those 3.

This morning I woke up and got lost in my thoughts about my body and how it works and operates. It was driving me crazy. Questions like, how is it that humans last longer than most modern machines (like cars...they are ancient when they are 20 years old) without a battery and/or fuel. Hello! Doesn't make any sense. We can move and think and feel and taste and geee...all kinds of things....and I am not plugged to the wall and I don't have an on and off switch. Sure, I have to sleep for a few hours a day to re-energize myself but the concept of sleep as a recharger is another thing that just makes my head spin. And then to think that I, Chelsea Nelson, was created inside another human. Weird. Humans are amazing.

I haven't introduced Adriane Ferguson to my my blog yet.... Drum Roll Please!!!
Everyone! This is Fergie Ferg Ferg...perhaps the best friend I have had in my entire existence. We met months ago and connected almost immediately. She is a rock-my rock and I am sometimes amazed how she understands me. She has a deep relationship with God and that radiates by the way she lives her life. I could write and write and write in detail about the things Ferg has brought to my life. I won't. I will just post an occasional picture

The Seattle weather is wearing on me more now than it has since I've been here. I talked to Nils yesterday and he told me it is about 100 degrees everyday where he is. That sounds a little too hot but I sure wouldn't mind seeing the sun everyday. This was a few days ago at a Mariners baseball game and it was FREEZING! I'm normally pretty tough about cold weather-but I was so annoyed that it was that cold.

So, I have written briefly about a crush. Yes, yes, Chelsea has started to date someone. Becka is her name and she is fabulous! Yesterday we spent the evening finger painting.Becka riding the cruiser-I was on the longboard! :)

This is me and Becka at din din with Mel and Pam

Sometimes in my life I don't really think about why I feel certain things. I just feel without needing any kind of reason BUT I have been more aware of WHY certain feelings have surfaced. One of the most overwhelming feelings I have had the past month or so is gratefulness. And the reason?! I have phenomenal people around me-particularly my family. I was talking to my mom a few weeks ago and I asked if she was comfortable hearing about Becka...her response was, "Of course!" and then explained that she just wants me to be happy. I am so thankful that I finally feel comfortable with myself!!

I still own my home in Utah. This week I learned that my main waterline broke. Major bummer. My grandma got diagnosed with cancer this week-but is having an operation on Wednesday and they are feeling confident that the cancer hasn't spread-so hopefully everything will be fine after the operation. I tore the bumper off my car-not this last week-the week before-but still. I had a lifetime friend decide we couldn't be friends anymore. That was a bummer. My tenant who lived in the basement of my house moved out without giving me any notice this last week. And my house is dirty. I did something weird to my hip. It hurts...and sometimes I'm forced to limp. I felt homesick on Sunday. I just wanted to give my mom a hug and remind her that she is my hero. I wanted to watch Curtis play basketball too. I learned that Jamie changed her phone number. I felt really lazy-for like the last MONTH-and on Wednesday had a literal wake up call which forced me to snap out of it. What else, what else?? A lot, probably.

Despite that list, I feel calm and happy. Which proves that liking yourself and feeling confident in who you are is the most important of all things!

Nilso

2009-05-01T13:31:00.001-07:00

So....here goes another....

I have been writing a lot about my family lately and here is another post...dedicated to my brother Nils.

Nils turned 22 on the 23rd of April. I can't believe it...I can't believe my little brother is 22. Craziness. I remember his first day of kindergarten. I remember because I was soo happy that I got to walk home with him-I remember his first baseball game and I remember the first time he told me that basketball was his favorite sport. I remember one time I tried to teach him how to swear-and he told me that he didn't want to. I remember making cookies with him once and they didn't turn out because I didn't know what I was doing. I remember what he said during his speech when they announced that he won student body president at WJHS. I remember a few of his moments playing basketball. I remember calling him every day for a week while I was in Europe wanting to know every detail of tryouts. I remember having talks about his feelings about serving a mission and I remember a talk we had after he received his call. I remember the conversations I had about Nils with other people while he was out on his mission-I remember learning/feeling/KNOWING that he had impacted soo many people just by being him. I remember the excitement my family had preparing for his return... that excitement is the same excitement I have now just thinking about how great my brother is!!!

Nils is my little brother but I have always looked up to him. He inspires me with his goodness. The world is a better place because of him and I am thankful he is my brother.

Love you, Nilso!

I wonder

2009-04-23T18:32:00.000-07:00

I wonder why people are the way they are. Why they are mean. Why they are nice. Why and how they decide to wear what they have on.

I wonder why the grass is green and the sky is blue. I wonder why God decided to let everything have a smell. I wonder why I turn a key and my car starts (yes I know it does something to a spark plug and something happens to pistons and yadda, yadda, yadda but I still wonder why).

I wonder why I like certain colors and certain tastes and why other people don't. I wonder why I don't like scary movies. I wonder why fire is hot.

I wonder why I get giddy excited when I think of a certain someone. I wonder why I get nervous around that person. I wonder what it is about the possibility of love that makes people act weird.

I wonder why baseball players get paid so much money. I wonder why humans go and watch baseball games...I went last night and decided every person sitting in that stadium was weird because we were seeking entertainment in the form of a baseball game.

I just wonder....about everything....

Does it matter what other people think?!

2009-04-21T09:55:00.001-07:00

This is a question that comes up a lot... does it matter what other people think?! I am participating in a personal growth seminar and we have Monday night meetings and last night that question came up...does it matter what other people think??

I think I was the lone voice that said YES!! It totally and completely matters what other people think!

I claim to be a loving and compassionate woman committed to making positive change in the world. I claim to have a deep passion for life but mostly for people. I claim to be forgiving and understanding and I claim to a good listener and respectful.

If for some reason people don't believe I am one of those things, I probably wasn't for a moment in my life, or during an interaction with that person, and I probably owe an apology. If I believe and claim to be all these great things but people around me don't have that same perception, perhaps I need to look at myself a little deeper and make some changes-or claim to be something different.

Caring what other people think is like a check and balance system. I believe it's important. Anybody with me on that?!? Can anyone shed some light??

hi.

2009-04-19T21:12:00.001-07:00

I went to the doctor on Thursday and I think I will probably live forever. I am as healthy as a horse and feel so incredibly thankful!!

Last night was perhaps the worst night, or perhaps a close second, I have had in Washington since I moved here. It was a real bummer and no, I don't want to go into details.

Adriane Ferguson is perhaps one of the best friends I have ever had in my entire existence. I am soo happy I found her. I will keep her until the day I die. I know I will...

I have a crush and it makes me giddy inside. Crushes are funny but they are fun, too.

I have learned that it doesn't matter how old you are, when you date, it's all the same. Uncle Paul, who lives below me, has gone out on a few dates in the last few weeks, and talks like he is my age. He gets giddy excited as he is trying to discover what the other is thinking. He is 60.

Being outside is usually the only medicine I need to cure most things. I love the sun. It was out to play most of the day.

I don't think I have gotten more than 10 hours of sleep in the past 4 days. I am tired but haven't been able to stay asleep. I hate taking medication, but think I might resort to some Tylenol PM or something of the sort to help me sleep.

I am excited for Tuesday. I am picking up Becka from the airport but am playing basketball before that. Becka and I were talking about our favorite days just the other day, and I said Wednesday's were my favorite. Scratch that. Tuesdays are my favorite and it's because I get to see friends AND play games that I love-basketball and soccer (which I suck at but its good for me.).

I need to wake up tomorrow and figure out my online banking password. I have called to reset it twice and still isn't working...I need to pay some bills. I hate bills.

2009-04-11T09:59:00.000-07:00

I just woke up. I am still in bed....and I must admit that flannel sheets are perhaps the best thing in my life right now.

Yesterday was a weird day. I think I felt every feeling imaginable. I talked to someone from home that I hadn't talked to in a few months. It was great to talk with her but it made me miss my old life and feelings of homesickness came up. Or perhaps homesicknesses for certain people-for her-came up.

I went dancing with Annette last night. Alana, Ciara, Pam and Joy came too. I talked to my mom on the phone while I was driving to meet my friends and my mom was shocked that I was going dancing. I like to dance. I go dancing kinda a lot actually-and I think I'm getting good at it. Okay, okay, perhaps I shouldn't go that far... :)

Annette and I met about a month ago. We are both participating in this personal growth seminar (that has absolutely changed my life). The day I met her I knew I had met a friend I'd have for the rest of my life. I adore her. Last night after dancing I drove her to her car and we just sat and talked. Talked and talked and talked. I love friends I can do that with.

Have you ever wished you could have other peoples eyes, just for a moment, to see yourself? Or have you ever wished that that someone else could have your eyes to see themselves? I was wishing for both last night.

There isn't anything I have to do today. I can do whatever I want to do. I love days like this. Perhaps I will go back to sleep.

Yes, yes. That is what I'll do.

This Moment

2009-04-06T16:47:00.001-07:00

At this moment my wish for you is that you could be me. At this moment I see only beauty. I see only beauty in the world, in people, I even see beauty in things that aren't so beautiful.

At this moment I feel peace. I feel calm but ready to burst because of the calmness. At this moment I know I can change the world. There is nothing too big and nothing too small to make me compromise my dream. At this moment I can think of every good thing that has happened in my life and at this moment I have forgotten the bad-or perhaps at this moment I have new eyes to see the bad as good.

At this moment I hear the birds and the river and cars in the distance. I hear the wind in the trees and I hear my own self breathing. At this moment the sounds I hear resemble an orchestra. At this moment I can see every color of the rainbow and at this moment I am so thankful for my senses. I am always thankful for my senses but not like I am now...the sounds, the colors, the smells and the way my body responds to the sun that touches my skin...I am thankful beyond explanation at this moment.

At this moment I want to call my mom and my dad and my sisters and my brothers. At this moment I want them to know that I love them. I want them to know that they are my best friends-but they are beyond friends-beyond family even. At this moment I know that as long as we have each other, we have everything. I know that within the walls of my family, I have the very thing that most people search for-I have pure love.

At this moment I am my own best friend. I don't care what others think of me because I know I am okay. In the quiet hours of the night I like myself. I don't feel bad or guilty and I don't try to hide from parts of myself. At this moment I am glad to be me.

At this moment I am dreaming of what can be and at this moment I know that what can be, will be. At this moment nothing is impossible-everything is within my reach. At this moment I am happy and at this moment I wish everyone could feel what I am feeling.

At this moment, I know perfection exists because this moment is in fact PERFECT.

It's Sunday afternoon

2009-04-05T16:05:00.000-07:00

And it's hot outside! I am out on my deck right this second and I am feeling hot. Not warm-hot! I have on shorts and a T shirt and I am hot! I haven't felt like this in months...

My insides are smiling.

I love what the sun does to me.

Nothing is cuter...

2009-03-31T11:02:00.000-07:00

Than this pair!
I love you Tolman!!

An adventure!

2009-03-30T15:02:00.000-07:00

That nasty piece of white bubblegum in the middle of this picture was Jami's addition to the gum wall.

Jami and Tol came and visited for a couple days and we did all sorts of fun things. One of the first things we did was visit the Gum Wall-and all the other cool places at Pike's Place Market. Unfortunately, this is where we were when the car window got bashed in...but we won't talk about that here since it's already been posted.

Jame and Tol looking at the fish. Tol and I wondered how long ago they were swimming around in the water.

We were in paradise. Exact words of the little man, "Seattle is paradise!!"
What is a trip to Seattle without visiting the Space Needle.

We had dinner on top of the Space Needle. Tol said it was the coolest restaurant he has ever been to-500 feet in the air and it spins!
Perhaps this picture doesn't look rad, but this ball was not connected to the ground. We were able to balance it while all 3 of us got on it.
On Sunday I got to go to part of a seminar so I drove the motorcycle. I met Jami and Tol later on and they took a picture... Look how pretty the sky is!
We went to Kirkland-where Jason the Bachelor is from and walked around and played by the water. Jami was on the lookout for Jason....

This picture is right in my backyard. We went down to the dock and over to the golf course.
Tol and I thought it was pretty cool that cars were driving above us!
King of the mountain!
We decided to find rocks and throw them into the water from the bridge...it was fun when they made big splashes.

We were trying to catch, or at least touch, a goose. They were too fast for Tol and I.
Tol wouldn't give his auntie a kiss.
We saw a raccoon on the tree during din din. There were actually 2 of them out there. This is right outside my back window.
Uncle Paul, Pauls date Evalon, me and Uncle Joe. Joe is my landlord and Paul lives in the basement apartment. Joe made us all an excellent dinner. Thanks Joe!
We had a little bbq afterwards for some delicious treats!

There will be more pictures to come but had to document the last few days!

I'm mad/entertained

2009-03-28T16:36:00.000-07:00

Because my car got broken in to.

I was at Pike's Place Market earlier today with Jami and Tol...we got there at about 11am. We got back to the car at about 12:20 and my front window wasn't there anymore. Actually, it was there, it was just scattered in lots and lots of pieces on the ground and on the front seat.

Bummer.
We didn't allow it to stop the fun though...

We went to the Crab Pot!

Amazing weekend

2009-03-22T20:30:00.001-07:00

I was able to go on an amazing trip this weekend. I got home just a few hours ago and can't do anything until I sit and write and express some of the feelings in my heart. I went to LaPush with Adriane, Pam, Alana and Ciara and the five of us had an amazing time.Niko, Ferg, Alana, Ciara, Pam and Me

Yesterday I was on the beach by myself. I started a fire and took a little nap and then I just wrote. Wrote and wrote. I'll share a little...

"My hand can't move fast enough. Even if it could it would be impossible to write what I'm feeling. Peace, happiness, whole, calm-calm but ready to burst. Everything makes sense but nothing matters-nothing except that I'm alive!"

"I'm in La Push, WA-perhaps one of the worlds best kept secrets. I don't want to look down at this paper because it is the beauty I see that inspires my soul. But I can't not write-in fear that I may forget this moment."

"Everything about my complicated life seems so simple. Everything seems simple. And when I think about how just the day before yesterday I thought my life was complicated I look inside myself and giggle a bit and call myself dramatic."

"I don't have my cell phone and haven't wanted it. I don't have my computer and haven't wanted it. I don't know what time it is and I haven't cared. It's great and simple and beautiful. I wonder why I view simpleness as beauty. But I do. Yesterday we were eating tin foil dinners with our fingers and I thought it was beautiful. Ferg didn't want to shower because sometimes she likes getting dirty and smelling like fire and I thought that was beautiful. We all just hung out and did what we wanted when we wanted and that was the most beautiful of all."

"What is it about the earth that speaks to me? I've never been in a crowded place and had this kind of moment. But when I am on the front row of God's most awesome creation I am blown away and taken to areas of myself that I absolutely love and some that I am introduced to for the first time. It makes me giddy."

"My heart and my soul and my entire self are rejuvenated. Not only am I in an absolutely beautiful physical place-perhaps one of the prettiest places I have ever seen-I am in an amazing mental place. AND I am with people who motivate and inspire me. The combination of the three makes for a perfect weekend. I needed this. I have already laughed so hard that I've cried-more than once. I am in my element-in the mountains, by a fire, away from the complicated thing we call life. I am with the best part of myself. I'm in my paradise."

Okay, it's me again. And I'm at home...and I am giggling to myself thinking about the weekend...Here are some pictures.

This is Ferg, Pam and I on the front of the ferry. This was mine and Pam's first ferry ride and we were sooo excited!!

Second Beach

Ferg being like a superheroBy the camp fire...my heaven. I could stare at a fire for hours...and I did!!One of my favorite things about Washington is the cloud formations...Third Beach-and my favorite picture from the trip
We found this on the tree. Perfect for the end of the trip!

On the drive home

I'm pouting that I have to go home

This was indeed a fabulous weekend.
"Letting go and moving on."

Insight

2009-03-19T12:19:00.001-07:00

The last 24 hours my mind has been in a frantic frenzy-trying to hold on to good thoughts and feelings...because sad thoughts and feelings have been trying to overpower.

It started the evening of St. Patty's Day when I ran into a (what should we can this particular person??) friend (?? not hardly) and this person was nothing but rude. In fact, this person mentioned how she/he takes pride in the fact that other people know him/her to be mean. (I don't want to give any hints on who this person is...)

Anyway, my interaction with this person was nothing but negative and left me feeling a little-no-a lot down. I don't know why I interacted with this person, I should have known that it wasn't going to be good-it's never good-this person is not a happy uplifting person-in my opinion, this person is the complete opposite-but I guess I was trying to give this person the benefit of the doubt. I thought that maybe I would have caught him/her on a good day...

So I was feeling low. I was sad that some people like to be mean. Seriously, it's weird. I honestly think that this particular person enjoys being mean. I actually know it! This person mentioned how its fun...I was blown away. And then I just got sad.

Are there a lot of people out there like that??

I thought of the story Alana told last weekend. She was at a store where there were a few young rowdy kids and she witnessed a lady going up to the father of these kids and rudely requesting that he take control of them. The mans response was, "I'm sorry lady. My kids just lost there mother and I just lost my wife a couple hours ago."

I thought of another story, one that I personally experienced, when I was in South America and I gave my sandwich to a kid who took it to his sister because it wasn't his turn to eat that day.

One time I had a bad day because I found out my dad had cancer. I had another bad day when my sister was in a car accident and her boyfriend was killed. The things I remember about those days were kind words/gestures from strangers who had no idea what was going on in my life...people who were genuinely nice.

My reason for telling those stories is we never know what people are going through. If we all had it stamped on our faces what we were going through, like "come congratulate me! I have had worlds best day because I fell in love or got a raise or am having a baby" or "today has totally sucked! I lost my job or my dad or I found out I am sick" I think we might treat people a little different. But sometimes we treat people like robots-like there only reason the person in the car next to me is alive is to waste space.

It is sad to me.

On a better note, I went climbing with Ferg last night. I hadn't been for quite sometime and was happy to go. I miss certain things about Utah-climbing, although I wasn't great at it, is one of them. I miss the recreation (but I keep hearing I am in the recreation meca of the world!!! so i am looking forward to it!!) but am excited for the warm weather so I can get out and enjoy!

Here are a few pictures of St Patty's! (St Patty's was like any other Tuesday. We are all on a soccer team together and practice every Tuesday night and then go to rose afterwards for taco Tuesday!)

Cousin and PamFerg Dog and mePam, Mel, Me and Nika

Me and Karah

Brighton

2009-03-17T17:13:00.001-07:00

This morning (at about 4am) I couldn't sleep so I began cleaning out one of my closets and I found my Brighton Camp Songbook. So, I opened up and flipped through each page playing my guitar and singing. I was in heaven. Actually, I was in my bathroom (because I thought that was the only place I could go where Paul wouldn't be able to hear me).

It brought back soo many memories. Brighton will forever and always be my favorite place in the entire universe!!

Jess

2009-03-16T22:22:00.001-07:00

Today is my sister Jessica's birthday. She is 28 today. I wish I were at home to celebrate with her because her life is certainly something to celebrate!

For some reason I didn't feel especially close to Jess growing up but over the last few years, maybe even the last few months, I have fallen in love with her. Her life excites me and her passion motivates me. She is a strong, determined woman and because of her this world is better. She is a light in my life and someone who I would want my daughters to be like.

Jessica is a hero of mine. She is so many good things, so many of the best things, wrapped up into one person. I love her openmindedness and ability to love all people. I love her passion for learning and success. I admire her commitment to her family-her commitment to me. I am so thankful I have such an amazing person (and lucky for me I have 2 people I feel this way about) I get to call my sister.

Jess, I love you!! Happy Birthday!

26

2009-03-14T01:43:00.000-07:00

It is almost 2am on my BIRTHDAY!!!

I was in Seattle a year ago from this second. I was in Seattle visiting Tipton, who I will always love and admire, and her girlfriend at the time, Sara. I needed a vacation-a mini break from life- and they were kind enough to have me.

A year ago from right this second, I was out with Leah and Miska-friends that I met out here on an earlier trip to Seattle. They took me to a place where I was sung to and danced with that had really good food-but the name of the place is slipping my mind. When I got back to Tipton and Sara's place I went right to sleep but woke up early the next day (which was my birthday!!!) to have a phone interview with REI. It's unbelievable that was a year ago... After my phone interview, Tipton drove me to the airport and I was on my way back to Utah.

When I got to Utah, I made a quick stop home and then headed to the REI parking lot at SouthTown Mall to meet Jamie...and the two of us headed up to one of my favorite places in the entire universe. Brighton.

We had an amazing time up there. We met and had dinner with a man from Scotland and another from California. Jamie gave me an amazing gift with a perfect card. I think it must have taken hours to create. I remember reading it with tears rolling down my face-not only because the words that were written but also the effort that she put into making it...it was all incredible to me. That card is still one of my most treasured things.

At that moment I remember knowing for certain that nobody would ever know me like Jamie. Little did I know. Now, exactly one year later, she is a complete stranger to me. She has a familiar voice but she is a stranger.

My 25th year was hard. I will (shamefully) admit that a lot of that sadness came from my own actions but a lot came from the actions of others as well. And the fact that life is just hard sometimes-which isn't anyones fault.

This, my 26th year, is going to be a good one. I can feel it. It started off great-at midnight I was at a dinner party with some of the best people I have ever met. I have created a family up here! They are people who see the best in me and encourage me to do good things. I feel lucky!!

Let me introduce some of the fam...so at least they have familiar faces to my other family, who is my actual family at home...

This is at brunch last week-not a great shot but great people.
Me, Mel, Alana, Pam and CiaraKarah and Erin and cute little HoodieChelsea and Chelsea

Mel, Katherine, and PamelaSo, this is kinda random but this is Mel Nebeker and she is my ACTUAL distant cousin. Our grandparents are cousins...

So, there are some of the people that I get to associate with and spend my time with. I am lucky. Another lucky, lucky thing going on in my life is that I actually LIVE in Washington. I felt overwhelmed the other day as I was driving around for work because I live in such a beautiful place. I realize I may not have been super safe but I took a few pictures as I was driving around...just so I could document how amazingly beautiful it is here...

Even further, check out what was in my back yard last week... I know you can't tell but this is AN EAGLE!! Paul, who lives below me, called me at 6:00 in the morning and told me to go outside and see what's there...this is what I found. Again, bad picture but amazingly beautiful and incredible.I have a newness about myself and my life. I feel peace and confidence that I haven't ever felt before. I am grateful. I know who I am and for the first time, I am proud of it.

Here is to continue adding goodness in my life and deleting negativeness. Here is to continue creating relationships with good people. Here is to my amazing family who hasn't done anything but love and support me.

Here is to a great 26th year!

The latest

2009-03-12T00:26:00.001-07:00

Its nearly 12:30 am on a Wednesday night and I can't seem to fall asleep. I wish I could-it's late and I have an early morning and a super long day tomorrow. But I can't...so I will write.

The last few days have been fantastic! Yesterday I played soccer with my friends and had an "ah ha" moment. We were playing under the lights at Cal Anderson Park in Seattle when half way through I became totally distracted by the moon. It was so big and bright and beautiful. And it made my mind think of almost everything besides soccer. I imagined walking on the moon and being in space. One time I heard a speaker at a conference say (his name has slipped my mind but he is a man who has been able to go to space a few times) that all the world leaders should go to space together. He said that if they did that, he is convinced our world would find world peace. He said everything made sense in space...that the only thing that really mattered when you looked at the earth through the little window on the shuttle were the people living on the planet. Interesting thought.

Anyway, back to last night, I was daydreaming about what it'd be like to be on the moon. And what it would be like to look at the earth while standing on the moon.

On Saturday I went to a Personal Growth seminar. I went with a group of friends. Alana invited us. It was all day and it was awesome. I relearned things that I had forgotten and discovered other things for the first time. One of the reminders that I had was I have become associated with some of Seattle's best people and I feel lucky to have such incredible humans as friends.And the best part about that is they feel the same way about me...

My 26th birthday is on Saturday. My best friend Pam is taking me to dinner. Before that I am spending time with Chels and Mel-other amazing friends who told me they are committed to making my birthday memorable. Once again, I feel lucky to have wonderful people in my life.

I realize this is short and random but I am starting to feel tired. Thank goodness.

Be back soon.

Nils

2009-03-06T19:27:00.000-08:00

Here are a few pictures of my trip home.
There are only a few things I can say about my trip home.

I love my family.
My brother Nils is one of my heroes. Mom, Dad, Jame, Jess, and Curt and my other heroes. But right now, Nils is my main man.

Tol and Addi are the owners of my heart.

If you can't tell, I I love my family. I also love my friends. And I love Utah.

But I'm glad to be back in Washington....

More to come...
Nils, you're a star! I feel lucky to know you...but I'm you sister!!! I am worlds luckiest!

HOME

2009-02-26T10:49:00.000-08:00

PS. I GET TO GO HOME ON SUNDAY!!!!!

I can hardly wait.

Sare and Michelle

2009-02-25T18:22:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a good day. I talked to two friends who I haven't spoken to in literally years- close to 4 or 5 years. They were both my college roommates back in the day.

I won't go into the details of either conversation. They were both great and enlightening and left me feeling thankful beyond measure.

Good friends are life altering. I have always focused on having good people around me and in college I was lucky enough to meet an amazing group of people who built me up, helped me grow, and pushed my horizons. I am grateful for them. And I am grateful that I reconnected with 2 of them yesterday. Hopefully I will get to reconnect with a few more while I'm home NEXT week!!!

Compromise Part 2

2009-02-23T14:23:00.000-08:00

I just realized something.

I don't want to put it all on God. It isn't all about that... I don't want to compromise with myself. There are certain characteristic traits that I was born with, things that my parents taught me about being a good functioning human-some involve God, others don't.

Simply put, there are things that make Chelsea Chelsea. I like me and I won't compromise that.

Compromise

2009-02-22T14:50:00.000-08:00

I went to church today and thought about a few things. Mostly I tried to think of things that I could do in my life right now that would make me happier and help improve the relationships that I have-the relationship with God, my family, my good friends, and myself. I was particularly thinking about my relationship with God though.

My relationship with God hasn't been where I want it to be. Since I have moved to Washington it has been really strong and then weak and then just kind of there. I have missed His presence and influence.

I was talking to Nicole a few nights ago and she kinda called me out about my relationship with God. It made me take time away from life and think about it...and I discovered that I have pushed Him away from me. It made me feel sad and a little depressed. I don't want that anymore. I want Him back.

Sometimes (and perhaps mostly when I feel like I am alone) I feel vulnerable. I would argue that after having your heart broken, vulnerable is worlds worst feeling. I don't hate a lot of things but I can honestly say that I hate feeling vulnerable-and right now I do.

I was dating this girl who told me that I have a hard time taking criticism and don't know how to compromise. She said that I do a lot of finger pointing and not a lot of the pointing is at myself. My response was usually "that isn't true." which I guess validates that it is true. Another girl said the same thing to me today. So perhaps it must be true. But I have a hard time with excepting that... (which again could validate its truthfulness)

I feel I am good at looking in the mirror and recognizing that change needs to occur in certain areas in my life. I am passionate about change. All kinds of change. Internal personal change and external exterior change. Perhaps I am looking at the wrong things though when I look in the mirror and have those introspective conversations with myself... I don't know...

There are a few things I know though. I know that relationships come with compromise. You can't have the first without the second. But, what I am struggling with is finding balance. I wanted to compromise with this girl I was dating but I didn't want to compromise convictions I have with God-and the two don't go hand in hand. Is that why I struggle so much?? Because our personal/Godly/whatever other kinds of convictions are different?! There has to be something...I am at a loss.

Being a lesbian who absolutely loves God is hard. People argue that I can't love God since I'm a lesbian but I will bypass that argument to get to the climax of this entry... I do love God and I don't want to compromise that love or that relationship (good climax?!). I would climb to the highest mountain to scream it for the world to hear. I would tell every person, or try and show every person-and I do try. Yes there are times I suck at trying but I try.

Bottom line is, I am confused right now. I want to hear what is being said to me and incorporate what is good into my life. I want the best kinds of things in my life. I want God. I want a good relationship with Him. I want a good relationship with a wonderful person. I want things that are beautiful and uplifting. Is that too much to ask for?

Maybe it is. I am a lesbian afterall.

Meanness

2009-02-17T17:10:00.000-08:00

I haven't been on this thing for awhile. I've missed it. For some reason I feel better when I write.

A lot has happened the last little while. Some good. Some bad. But overall I feel like my life is getting better and better. I am finding more clarity and satisfaction. Further, the weather has been absolutely beautiful which has forced me to have all kinds of adventures outside...which makes me smile-on the inside and out.

So, something I have been thinking about lately...

I am wondering why people are mean on purpose. I have been in a few situations in the last while where I have witnessed people being mean ON PURPOSE. Further, (and I hang my head when I say this) I have been mean to people ON PURPOSE. Chelsea, what's wrong with you?! Sarcastic jokes, lack of sensitivity, or simply not caring and being mean on purpose. Perhaps reacting to someone elses meanness. Whatever the reason, I am ashamed. Not only in myself-but in people-in my fellow human beings.

I was driving today and watched a girl-probably in her mid 20's yell at an elderly woman who has driving too slow. I listened to a conversation that was about how this person I know did this, that and whatever... and I participated in a conversation like that too the day before. I watch the news most mornings as I get ready for work and I get sad when I hear the bad things that people do to other people. I wonder why.

If we all realized that every person we meet, every person we come across, is someone elses loved one, best friend, son, daughter...you get the point- perhaps we would treat people a little better. There has to be something. I don't like meanness.

Life is too short and sometimes too hard to be mean or to have meanness given to you. I'll do my part to eliminate it...

And I'll end with a silly picture of my on the my boat in the backyard. I love, love, love where I live. Being here makes me know God lives and loves me.

Finally

2009-02-12T09:44:00.001-08:00

Guess who has their computer back!?!!

I DO! I DO!

But nothing was able to be retrieved. All my stuff is gone...all gone... so send things my way!

I'm NOT HAPPY

2009-01-29T09:26:00.000-08:00

So, I went to Texas last week which was AMAZING!!! I was there for work and had a few days of nothing but motivational awesomeness. I work for a wonderful company with fantastic people who share a desire to do good things.

I get home Sunday night and open my computer and it isn't working. Hmm. Turn it off and back on thinking that might fix the problem. It doesn't. After a minute I learn my hard drive has crashed-which is crazy because I used it just a few hours earlier in Texas.

I take my computer in and get it back. They told me that every now and again the x ray machines at the airport will fry the hard drive. Bummer. But I got it back and it worked. Woohoo! I have my livelihood back. Literally. I can't work without my computer.

But I go through my files, and realize EVERYTHING is gone. All my pictures. My journal entries for the past 3 years. All the work stuff and replaceable items will be time consuming to put back on there but there are things I will never get back. I am so sad about it. The tears are still coming.

So, if you have pictures that I might want, please send them my way.
cxnelson@ailife.com or chelbel314@hotmail.com or chelbel314@yahoo.com

I hate computers.

Today

2009-01-20T09:22:00.000-08:00

Today is an amazing day and I am proud. I am proud to be an American.

Trying to get comfortable

2009-01-08T22:23:00.001-08:00

This is my first time ever living alone. I came from a family with 5 kids (who are all similar in a lot of ways...One being we are NOT quiet people). Then I went to college and always lived with at least 3 other people-but generally more than that. Then I lived with just Jamie but it wasn't too quiet because we got 2 dogs... So this living alone thing is hard. I am trying to get used to it.

I just turned off the TV. Listening to the silence is kind of an uncomfortable feeling. I remember when I lived at home-with my mom and and dad and four siblings...there were times when all I wanted was quiet. It's weird how things change.

I don't like watching TV but I turn it on to fill the silence. I'm not used to having silence at home I'm used to conversations with my family, or roommates or Jamie. Or my puppies. I talked to them all the time. In fact, those two have heard the core feelings of my heart more than anyone or anything else.

Right now it is the ticking clock that muffles the silence. It's weird. I wish it was my own voice talking to my pups. Or talking to anyone. It's not. It's that annoying ticking clock.

There must be something to silence. I have read about religious practises that encourage a certain number of hours a day be spent in silence. It has something to do with self mastery. I like the idea but not comfortable with the silence.

I don't mind silence when I am with someone. Like when I am watching a movie with a friend or something. When I'm in a car with someone I don't even mind silence. I feel like I am in good company when I can be with someone and be comfortable with it. But silence when I'm by myself has been a hard thing for me since I've been in Washington. And I don't quite understand why.

When I was 19 I went to Europe for 2 months. I went by myself which was (by the exact definition of the word) awesome! I took a backpack, some clothes, a journal, and my Book of Mormon. I learned things about myself that I never knew and that I could never explain. I changed. I don't know if anyone could visibly see my change but I didn't care because I felt it. My trip to Europe was the first time I didn't have anything to hide behind. I was stuck with me. I couldn't hide from my reality behind things to do at home. I couldn't cook or clean or talk to a family member or roommate. I couldn't get on the computer or call somebody. Heck, I couldn't even send a text. I was stuck with myself. Stuck with my thoughts-my plans, my ideas to get on trains having no idea where they were going and purposely falling asleep to wake up having (literally) no idea where in the world I was, to find my next adventure-and then actually doing it. I couldn't blame outcomes of decisions on anyone else. It was just me. And I learned to like it. I learned to like me. I had full on conversations with myself and told myself I loved me. Out loud. I had a certain confidence that was beautiful and world changing. Even if it was only my world that it changed.

So maybe there are similarities with that time in my life and now. I neglected to mention that the first 8 days while I was in Europe I absolutely hated it. I was home sick and scared and didn't understand why people were so mean to me (I later learned that it was because of the American Flag I had on my backpack. If you ever backpack across Europe, I suggest putting a Canadian Flag on your bag instead). I felt scared-scared mainly that 19 year old Chelsea Nelson was not up for the challenge. That big bad Europe was going to get me. Somehow that changed rather quickly and I knew I was going to have the time of my life. And I did.

(Although I am loving my experience in Washington) I am currently scared. I'm not scared of big bad Europe. I am scared of the big bad world. I'm not on a 2 month backpacking trip with a flight taking me home at the end of it. I am on this adventure indefinitely and I am alone. Yes, there are great people around me and I have made good friends but I'm alone. I come home to nobody at the end of the day. I tell my journal the deepest feelings of my heart and my blog some of the other feelings. I rely on my mirror and the sun in the sky to offer the support and encouragement I need and keep trekking along and so far they have done a good job.

Oh man. I realize that when I start writing about certain feelings I have to write novels to explain a single, simple (yet very, very complex) thought. Thank goodness there is a day that will follow this night so I can continue.

Let me end by saying that you don't have to travel to another country or even another state to find the most foreign of things. Sometimes you can look next door. Or what's even more strange, you can look within yourself.

Singing Songs

2009-01-08T01:34:00.000-08:00

I'm in bed. I hear Paul singing songs downstairs and it's 1:30 in the morning. He is singing songs about Jesus.

Paul is the guy who lives in the basement apartment in the house I live in-he lives right below me. I hear him sometimes but tonight I hear him really well because he gets so excited when he sings about Jesus...and since it's 1:30am there aren't other noises muffling his mad musical skills. Paul is the guy who lost his wife to cancer a few weeks ago. He is also one of the best most optimistic people I have ever met. I feel like goodness radiates from him.

I went to dinner with Leah and Miska tonight. They are friends that I met nearly a year ago but I have only seen them a few times. It was kinda random how we met-and really random that we have stayed in touch but I am so glad that we have because goodness radiates from them too.

(I have learned that a lot of the things I write about in my blog are really the same kind of thoughts-just dragged out using different stories...)

I am in bed glad that there are good people everywhere. There is a good guy who lives in my basement. There are two good girls who live a little South of the airport. There are good people who live on Bluerise Ave (maybe the best people live there...that is where my parentals live). There are good people who live in Logan, UT. Come to think about it, there is a good person sitting on my bed right now.

Too much focus on bad. Let good take over! There is goodness all around.

Rain

2009-01-06T16:20:00.000-08:00

Today I was doing my laundry. My washer and dryer are located in my garage. So as I'm putting my clothes in the dryer from the washer I hear rain pounding on the ground outside. I drop my clothes, run inside, throw my jacket on and head out to play in it.

I ran in the rain. I ran and ran until I stopped and fell on my knees with my arms stretched out to my sides. I was in the middle of a golf course that is close to my house...I was alone in the rain on this golf course getting poured on. And I loved it.

I laughed and I cried and I fell in love with the rain. It felt good. I just stood in one place with my head toward they sky. I couldn't tell the difference between the rain drops and my own tears. I felt like a human. I love moments where I feel nothing except for being real. Feelings so intense that it was like I could burst. Feelings mostly of gratitude.

This world is spectacular and I am so glad to be a part of it.

I find wonderment and excitement in the simplest of things. Part of the reason is a year ago from now I seriously contemplated ending my life. For some reason my eyes couldn't see the beauty of the world or the beauty in myself or the beauty in anything. I only saw darkness and only knew fear.

I am glad that awful state is over.

I have new eyes now-for so many reasons. And I am so thankful. So, so thankful.

And yes, I do love the rain!

Leftovers

2009-01-05T23:58:00.000-08:00

It is midnight and I am eating leftovers in bed!

I don't think I have ever had a panic attack or anything of the sort but today I had something that kinda felt like it...it was weird.

So I was thinking about my life a year ago from right now. And there isn't anything that's the same except that I have a wonderful family who loves me. It seems that everything that could change in a person's life has changed for me. Where I live, who I'm with (or not with), my friends, my sexual orientation (that really hasn't changed but a year ago most people thought I was straight), my job, not only my job but the kind of work I do, I had two adorable dogs 12 months ago, a different car, I lived in a small town-now I live in Seattle...change, change, change. I crave something consistent right now.

Perhaps the weirdness that happened today-not sure if I can call it a panic attack because I wasn't worried or anything... was just a few moments of feeling overwhelmed and hoping that a year from now is somewhat similar to how it is now.

My mom said it best when I talked to her today. Change, even good change, is still sometimes so hard because we get comfortable where we are. Change certainly is not comfortable.

The changes that have occurred in my life are good but so much change in so little time...it has been hard to wrap myself around all the changes. I am sitting in bed with leftovers next to me trying to get used to it...

CHANGE

2009-01-05T10:52:00.000-08:00

I don't care if you are a fan of Barak Obama or not...he makes a lot of good points.

"Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek."

Doesn't that just make you want to get out there and do good?!

Update

2009-01-04T20:02:00.000-08:00

Today I checked my email account that I hardly ever check. And I got 7 emails from people asking that I please not stop writing about my experiences and feelings of coming out. I was happy but surprised that my little blog has helped a few people...so I will continue writing...

I showed my friend Pam (who is also gay) my coming out entry today. After she read it we talked a lot about coming out...but more about how its sad that people who are in the closet aren't able to love who they want-particularly themselves.

I literally thank God everyday that I felt I could tell my family and friends that I'm gay. I only wish it would have happened sooner. I also thank Him that I have the family and friends I do...because they have been super duper supportive. I wish everyone who has come out had the family I have...

Since I have come out I have had a lot of amazing experiences. I have for the first time in my life been able to be fully honest with my family and friends. I have been able to build a stronger and more honest relationship with God. I have visited rooms within myself that I didn't know exsisted. I feel happier. I feel healthier even.

There are things that have been hard though. Some of my friends have told me that I can't be apart of their lives anymore. When I think about those responses, my heart breaks. I am still haunted by past decisions which are hard...I wish everyday that I would have come out sooner. That I would have been honest with my family and friends long before I was. I would have freed myself of so much self hatred...and would have saved some pain that others, particularly the person I was with, felt too.

So, in response to the emails that I read today...in some ways my life hasn't changed at all. I am still the same ol Chel that I have always been. I have a passion for life and love and people. But in other ways...ways that aren't so noticable at the surface-I am completely different. When I look in the mirror I know who and what I am looking at. I feel like a person and I don't have to fight with myself. I feel peace.

I certainly haven't found all the answers but I have stopped looking for them. I have learned that instead of looking for answers I should just live and they will come. And if they don't come, you don't need them. I live and try to be my very best self and do good things. I surround myself with good people and good books and other good things.

I want my life to be associated with goodness. And it can be. So I am happy.

(Had to throw in a picture of my Christmas present because it also makes me real real happy! Thanks Santa!)

2009

2009-01-02T16:09:00.000-08:00

My single New Years Resolution is to have 2009 be my best yet. To have eyes to see the good and beautiful things in my life. Days like today make that easy.

There are a few specific things I am going to do this year that will kep my year be the best yet...I am going to learn to play the guitar, write, and make a real effort to stop caring what people think...as long as I am doing my best and being my best, that's all thats important.

2008 was hard. The last couple months may be the hardest of my life...but I'm so excited to move forward! I have a new sense of self and a new found motivation and desire to succeed. I love myself and love that I have been freed of the fear I've been living with for so long. I'm glad I finally feel the peace I've been searching for-the kind of peace that only honesty can bring.

2009 is going to be fabulous! How could it not? Look at my backyard.

The greatest part about my life is I can create with it what I want. And I want to be happy!

Friends

2008-12-30T11:24:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone. Today I am so, so thankful!!!

I got back to Washington early this morning...around 3 am. It was a good drive. I was glad that I didn't have to do it alone. Erika was an all-star-driving a lot of the way so I could sleep and have someone to talk to.

Being home was amazing for me. It seemed to go by too quickly. It was the first time since I came out that I dared to interact with close friends. I guess I was nervous to before...wondering how they would react and treat me. I wondered what they would say about me and how my gayness would effect our relationships. Well, I have an announcement!!! I have worlds best friends and (like I have mentioned time and time before) family!!!!!!

There are a lot of people I have lost contact with since high school, camp, and college but it was so great reconnecting over the holidays and talk openly about ALL aspects of life. I am pleased to announce that although some of the most important people in my life don't understand (which is okay because I don't understand either), they love me and still think I'm great. I actually had a few people tell me they love me more because I am finally sharing my entire self with them...instead of bits and pieces. I am thankful.

So here I am back in Washington with a heart that is so happy. I am happy that I associate with the kind of people I do. They are so, so beautiful to me and they make my life better and motivate me to be better.

So thanks guys! Really. With all the sincerity and thanks that a person can extend...thank you. Thank you for seeing me as a person-the same person you saw before. Thank you for talking and crying and loving with me.

This year

2008-12-21T11:35:00.000-08:00

After 14 hours I arrived at my parents home last night.

14 hours in the car is a long time. But, I dare say, I feel like it wasn't long enough. I loved my drive...(even though at the end my legs and bum were so, so sore and continued to be sore throughout the night) Having that much time in a car forced me to get to the core of myself and feel and think.

I thought about my year and things I have learned. It's been a good year. A hard year-perhaps the hardest of my life-but I have learned some important life lessons.

I have learned that you cannot love fully without fully loving yourself. I have learned that honesty is the most freeing of all things. I have learned words are powerful. Actions are even more powerful. And neither can be taken back. I have learned that time is the most precious and valuable of all things. And most importantly, I have learned that happiness cannot be obtained anywhere or from anything except within the walls of your own self.

I look forward to this new year and the things that await me.

snow?

2008-12-14T00:48:00.000-08:00

Who said it didn't snow in Seattle??

It does.

It's snowing now and I am loving it!